Have you ever experienced the trauma of someone's death? How did you then deal with it?


1

I am sorry if this question makes you emotional and brings back unpleasant memories to any of you reading. Its been a year now since I lost my father and I'm still in many ways struggling to be able to live with the bad memories from the last few days. I sometime randomly stumble upon some pictures I may have taken while he was sitting right in front of me and then when it occurs to me how he suddenly isn't around, it makes me very sad. Sad is an understatement to what I might be going through. If this keeps happening frequently, how will I ever be able to live? Happily or not I don't mind, but just living with the pain overwhelms me to an extent that I start looking for solutions to handle it.

I am curious if it is just me sailing on this boat or has any of you dealt with an emotional trauma in any better ways?

10 Answers
6

Dear Aparna, I’m very sorry for your loss. I too have had many instances of facing such traumatic loss in my life and feeling pain and anguish at the face of such a loss as the loss of a near and dear loved one can be very very difficult. I know what it is that you are going through. For now, just allow it to be. Do not fight it. 

what I have realized through my journey is that life cannot sometimes be understood by our linear /rational way of thinking. Reflecting on it can give you meaning, though not an answer necessarily. What you saw and loved as your beloved father was one very beautiful expression of life. Just like a soap bubble is an expression of soap. When one bubble bursts another will come and they are all just the same soap. So life came to you as your father and life will come back to you in yet another form and will once again love you and adore you in a different expression. If you learn to recognize the same life that’s hidden within all these fleeing forms you will be able to glimpse the eternal within the transient. That’s the goal of our life dear Aparna. Take heart, you are not alone and you are loved more than you can ever know. Feel better and wishing you so much joy!

5

Jai Sri Hari Aparna. Thank you for sharing this with us. I know of a beautiful devotee after she lost her father saw Swami as her father. That really healed her. Also, our blood, DNA, behaviour, and sanskaras are the result of our physical lineage. Our ancestors including our parents live withing us. Your nose will resemble on relative, hair another, and habits one more relative. May Swami give you the strength to overcome this. One last advice I have is don't feel guilt about letting the pain go. You don't love him any less if you let the pain go. He will also want see his daughter joyful.

5

I am sorry for your loss, my love!

All I'll say is please please please allow yourself to grieve. It's a major loss and you should grieve. It is perfectly ok to feel sad, to cry, to hold his picture and weep whenever you are overtaken by grief. 

It is also perfectly ok to be happy other times and be 'normal'. The conditioned views of the society want us to keep grieving all the time, it's not possible. 

Grieve when sad, be normal when not. Be authentic to how you feel. 

Celebrate the little things he loved, you being the first!;)

Much love to you!

Anu

5

Jai Sri Hari Dear Sister. I was reading the Shiva Purana today and enjoying the occasion of Shiva and Uma's marriage. In that moment of joy, suddenly, I remembered your pain and how your father's suffering haunts you. The only thought that came to me is that divine is ever merciful and loving, and there are no exceptions to that. When we suffer, we call out to the divine even more earnestly. You both prayed to Krishna to end the suffering. He ended it and took your father away in his arms. May Shiva give you the strength to fulfill your wish of accepting this and being a support for other people who suffer similarly. Om Namah Shivay.

3

Firstly, sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my father 2 years back and his journey is quite well documented in multiple posts earlier.

Honestly, I don't miss my dad, because for me, he has not gone anywhere, he is very much here, within me, around me, in his books, in his photo, in his memories, in his teachings, learnings, his relationships, every where I see shades of him all the time. 

While my dad's case might sound an extreme one as he was very social and totally extrovert, so he shared his thoughts and a lot of it is documented, might not be the case with everyone. However, memories we all have and try and find solace in recalling them. It's a mindset issue, look at his departure from a different perspective, it will be easier.

If you wish you talk, glad to do so. 

Pls do not think you are alone in this battle.

3

Sad is normal. Unfortunately pain and sorrow is something we have to bear, when we lose someone. But small things can help, cry when you need to. Talk about him if you have to. Write down your memories with him. Pain is a part of loving someone. You were lucky to have each other. And remember they can feel your love in then other world. You can hear some videos of Susan griezman, she is quite exceptional and has some beautiful videos on how when people pass on you can still send them your love.

2

I lost my dad to a long battle to cancer on 19th dec 2019. I was initiated by Om Swamijee on Feb 21, 2020. So my void was filled by him.

I was lucky to be under umbrella of Omswami in a scorching heat.

Try to find your refuge in him

2

May your father's soul rest in peace. You can overcome this trauma if you can:

1. Start reading shri Bhagwad Geeta. 

2. Make it a habit in your life to remember and talk about your father's memories on a happy note.... i.e. you can talk about his good habits or values, you can recall some happy memories and try to smile once again over them, Give gratitude to your father for providing you very good brought up and smile while giving gratitude. 

This way you will get rid of your traumatic condition and your father's soul will also be able to rest in peace. 

1

"Death is just a habit of the body! We grieve at the loss of beloved because we see things from our own perspective - it's our loss. Even though we all know from Bhagwad Geeta that soul residing in body is eternal; it has left now; we feel sad because the person with whom we related so closely, is now not in the same form as we had known him." - explained the priest while performing last rites (13th day) of my father. We had lost him few days ago, back in 2017. 

One year after, I read about why we should perform pitri-tarpana. It is an act where in we read out some mantras and offer water with sesame and other stuff facing north, south, and then east. It is not just a ritual. By doing that I loosen the ties with the departed soul/energy, which left his body for his onward journey in the immanent universe. If I keep remembering him, his onward journey may  become difficult. Again, it is my attachment for that personality (my father), he in fact has taken the next step in his eternal journey. 

Having said this, it's not easy. As others have mentioned, leaving attachments is not easy, not with parents, no, no, not at all. But I tell myself, not to hinder my father! Instead, I try to read Vishnu Sahasranaam during those 15 days of pitri-tarpana, so that he can further his onward journey easily. 

1

Hey- I can relate to this experience. I had some separation about a year and a half ago..which was totally out of the blue and unexpected. At that time I felt like a piece of me or my heart was taken away from me forcefully. In your case too, since you would have known your dad for a long time and shared beautiful memories with him, there must have been a very deep emotional attachment to him that is causing this trauma. It took me almost a year to totally come into terms with it. What I realized had happened was I was very deeply emotionally attached to that person. In life, there is nothing permanent, and you own nothing. Everything comes and goes - and stays for a period of time only. You can have relationships, but to avoid pain, you need to stay stable in your being and not be dependent on a person, place or a thing for happiness. What I would suggest is, write down how you feel in your personal diary. Take some time off by yourself, and without judging allow the feelings to come out. But do not give additional energy to it. Let all the hurt in your heart come out. Do not deny or suppress these feelings. We can't say how much time it takes, but eventually you will come to terms with it. What you experienced is called "grief" and in Western Psychology there are following stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

You may go back and forth between these stages but eventually you will come to acceptance stage. Also, please be kind to yourself and counsel yourself through a self-dialog. At the end of the day, your dad would like to see his daughter "happy". Please be kind to yourself, and give some time for your heart to heal. Trust me when I say that they will eventually go away. But you have to make an effort to pull yourself up gently and firmly.

Take up any activity that makes you happy like feeding the poor, learning music etc. That way your mind is occupied with other things to do as well.

This is why all yogis insist on "Vairagya" or dispassion or witness-hood etc. The goal is to be completely stable, happy and content within your own being and not be dependent on other sources for your joy.

After that incident, I am very mindful when I am getting into relationships. It is not that I am emotionally closed off to other people, but I tend to avoid attachments to not have further pain. This is also why I realized Sadhus and yogis have no permanent shelter and move from place to place. They are trying to not get attached to anything and go with the flow. Much of what yogis say cannot be completely expressed in words, but you will have to learn on your own through trail and error.

Hope my answer helped a bit.

If you still feel issues, there are reliable mediums in India who can connect to a dead soul and say whether they are doing fine in the plane of existence they went to. That may bring contentment and peace to your heart and mind.

Related Posts

2y ago

The Divorce Dilemma

Once getting divorced was my biggest fear...

2y ago

Who is the Boss?

Warning: This post might hurt your cheeks

2y ago

A Heart That Only Knows to Give out Love (Part 2)

Is such a heart happy and healthy? Seeking answers. (Part 2)

Let go and breathe in the real you

Join the kindest community, where personal failures & victories are celebrated and inspiration & happiness is shared

Sign Up for Free

EXPLORE View All