Why is forgiving some people very difficult?


3

Deep within we know that there is so much comfort in forgetting and forgiving..With few of our loved ones we forget and forgive as if nothing happened...Yet for some others there is an in built mistrust that does not allow us to either forgive or forget .How to cope with this?

13 Answers
3

It’s because the wound is deep and taking time to heal; eventually a scab will form over it and it will not hurt anymore. This inability to forgive and forget is also our defense mechanism that we put up to save us from further trouble. But, forgiving is not trusting that person again. It could be thinking- I don’t trust you, I will likely not forget this but I am moving on now, I leave the hisaab-kitaab to Sri Hari.
For me it is slightly easy because I can put myself in anyone’s shoes and understand why they did what they did. Doesn’t make wrong right, doesn’t justify it but helps my processing.

Every time you feel upset, say - I leave it to God. Maybe that will help you as it helps me.

3

Thank you for such an inspiring question. It is because we haven’t forgiven our own selves yet. That’s what I learnt. We haven’t forgiven ourselves for allowing the other person to hurt us. 

The way out is self-compassion and compassion. Once we accept that we did the best we could and it is fine that we got hurt, a sense of acceptance dawns on us. Then once we have forgiven ourselves, we easily forgive the other person, through compassion too. Because they also did the best they could. But forgiving as already said, doesn’t mean you allow then to hurt you again. You must protect yourself and this is done through detachment. By just doing what is required and not acting to get anything in return. E.g. helping them out of love or staying away, not to be loved or accepted by them or for revenge, but just be neutral. Give it time as well.

I tried this multiple times and it works wonders.

(Your question inspired me to record a short clip as well, so thank you for asking this:))

3

All the answers given above are beautiful and so meaningful. The only thing I can add here is that while not able to forgive and forget brings its own challenges, the guilt associated with not able to forgive and forget also causes great harm. From personal experience I have one person who I am unable to forgive for what they did and this caused me lot of angst and this guilt of not being able to forgive them, would not let me forget them either and hence by association the hurt they caused. Sometimes its okay to not forgive someone but it is absolutely important to forget about them and the hurt once you have learnt your lesson. If you keep remembering them again and again, it will only impact your mental health. It will also help, if possible to keep yourself away from the person who has hurt you or constantly continues to hurt you. Hope this helps! 

1

Think this way...the other person  is not aware of Swami ji and his teachings, though you are. And the basic thing he stands for is compassion,kindness and empathy. The hurting person is ignorant and know nothing better ! How much at non peace he/ she might be too plan on and hurting you. I have written this but myself also not 100% successful in practicing.but trying, i too feel it's my ego which again and again comes to play.

1

Beautiful and well thought out answers by all above. I only have a few lines to add about forgiveness.

I find that taking responsibility for your own actions/involvement which caused the hurt even if it was caused by someone else, changes the focus from another (who you have no control over) to yourself (who you have full control over). This is more empowering. So I find that if I drop the blame game, then immediately I start to take the power back.

[Edit] Also wanted to add that taking responsibility is not the same as taking blame for another persons behavior. It is just evaluating how you let yourself down. where could you have stood by yourself ? What decisions could have empowered you? Do you have any false expectations? Is your behavior as per your standards and values? Basically the focus is completely on yourself.

1

I have gone through it and specially it hurts the most when you or your close relatives are impacted the wounds are deep). Like in my case i am not able to forgive person if anyway he/she harms my parents. But, i used below golden rules which has helped me to come out of it:

1. Always remember Shri Hari wanted you to go through it. So, that you could learn something new. See Shri Hari's hand behind them and learn the lesson.

2. If we really want to become pillar for society we need to get over these feelings and it can only happen via constant tests which Shri Hari is giving us and we remain unaffected by them is our win.

I always recall the line Swamiji said, he asked Shri Maata why he suffered a lot and even having all wealth he was made to eat chapatis with dust in it.  Shri Maata said either i had option to burn your karma fast or make you go through 60 yrs of exercise before you could see me.

I keep on reminding myself these lines. These helps me lot to get over it. 

1

I heard a personality saying "no matter what situation your going through how hard time you are having always try to keep a gentle and loving heart of view towards yourself at thr the end it's us who are going to get self out of the situation" 

So keep faith in your faith.

1

Everyone has experienced this once in their life and all of the above replies are superb. What worked for me personally was two guided meditations from BL app- inner peace and forgiveness.  I think you should give it a try for minimum a week. 

1

Jai Sri Hari Vasantha ji, 

All above responses are so superb, unfortunately when I went through unforgettable hurt, I was not aware of Swami ji's discourses and this lovely forum. It seemed almost impossible that time, I looked for solutions.

What worked for me is the practice I heard in Shivani ji's discourse from Brahmakumari.  So every night, I prayed to universe by sending them positivity, wishes that they be happy (it seemed impossible but I started as I wanted my happiness to be honest), I let go of this hurt and release myself from this hurt, bondage etc, may they be happy ...so on. Actually I felt happy on first day, felt relived, but all of it did not go so easily, I kept doing it even those days when I absolutely dint feel like it. Finally, if I look back and think about them, I don't have any feelings for them, absolutely nothing even If I playback any instances. In any time, if my path crosses with these people, I will probably smile and move on but m sure I will not fallback to same feeling about them. I heard somewhere Time heals everything but to be honest I didnot had patience that time to wait till time passes so I tried this approach.

Thank you for this question, this reminded me to let go of hurt caused by some relatives recently who were sitting somewhere in small corner of my memory. lets shed this baggage.

Best wishes to you, Jai Sri Hari.🙏🏻

1

Moments of pain, hurt, sorrow as well as joy, pleasure, praise come in our life as punishments and rewards for our own previous karmas.
The rewards and punishments are given by the Almighty, through the different types of people in our life.
We hate the people who gives us pain and we love those who praises.
Each and every person coming in our life has a particular role to play.
Now we must think in this way-
What I do is my karma and what others do is there karma. Both are entitled to reward or punishment as per the intentions behind those karmas.
So uptill now, we were not having enough knowledge about the law of karma but now by the Lord's grace, we have enough understanding of it. We can't go reverse in life...what is destined in our life will happen for sure...so only option is to improve our future karma so as to invoke peaceful and blissful moments in future life.
So although someone hurt you, don't forget the lessons he or she taught you but try to forgive. To forgive doesn't mean that you must interact and mix with those people as before. If you don't want to interact with them, it's ok. Move on but wish them good mentally. Don't entertain any hurtful or revengeful thought about them. In black lotus app, Swamiji has beautifully directed how to forgive such people mentally. It really helps. If they are your closed ones and you cannot avoid them, it's also ok. Try to be indifferent to them. Just like we are indifferent to the unknown or strangers. Slowly you will overcome all the negativities from such incidences.

0

It's  very  difficult  to forgive  and forget someone who has hurt you specially  if you have to time and again, frequently see that person. Seeing that person, plays out the entire reel of what that person has done to you or may be still doing.

Something  that has really helped  me is having  a daily rhythm of Empowering and improving myself. How do I do it. By having a vow of some spiritual practice. It can be for any duration of time, from 7 days to 40 days or even more. Now with Sadhana app, I have a daily discipline.

Second is to immerse myself daily in some words of wisdom by Swamiji. I either watch a discourse or read some pages from his books and pick one point to practice.

Third is defining my goals, which I have not been able to do successfully yet as my circumstances  are fluid and change very  quickly. Though I do have  some goals. They help one to prioritize. Is my hurt more important  than by daily duties and commitments.

One more thing is to be mindful. As Swami ji says you should ask yourself  this question. What am I doing  right now. This will help one to be mindful and decide where one wants one's energy to flow. And the second question, what should I be doing  right now.

Just a few thoughts. Hope it helps. 🙏🏻🙏🏻

0

Lord Shri Krishna didn't ask Arjuna to forgive Kauravas..the evil minds and live peacefully 

In my personal experience, to come to peace two things are must.

1 We need to Be Detached from situation, person and self image. Know that they have absolutely no impact on your well being, joy and sorrow. 

2. With this Dispassion decide and Take Actions those reflects your real divine nature

Hari Om Tat Sat

0

We are brought up in a society that preaches “Forgive and forget” but practices “Thou shall not forgive and forget”

Have you ever been not forgiven? How did that feel? Isn’t it such a burden to be extremely sorry but not being granted forgiveness? Feel that feeling deeply and you will be able to forgive those who seek your forgiveness. 

What about those who haven’t even sought forgiveness? Well just reflect back on your own life and see how many times people were upset with you over your actions and you couldn’t bring yourself up to seek forgiveness…because of a variety of reasons…

It isn’t easy to seek forgiveness because it’s not taught to us and neither is forgiving others as it is also not taught to us! 

Forgiving is a conscious act that starts with trying to understand the offender’s state of mind. The whole society keeps chanting love love love love but no one knows how to love. Most children grow up hearing the word love but never experiencing it. These children grow up but without the food of the soul: love!

I tell myself that if someone were fulfilled in love, they would never hurt me and if I were fulfilled in love, I would never hurt anyone…so it’s ok! Everyone is a bit broken somewhere and instead of holding grudges I should try to fill my heart with love for them! 

With Swamiji we are all feeling love! reflect on how it feels in your heart to feel loved, now go on and make others’ heart feel the same! 

I love you! 

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