How to build indifference towards someone?
How to build indifference towards someone?
I think maybe developing compassion may be a better approach but since you asked about indifference, it is also possible especially if the person has caused hurt.
It is a gradual process though.
1. Develop detachment first. In detachment, you allow the person to be how they want to be without trying to control their behaviour or their responses or any aspect of their life.
2. Once you have developed detachment, indifference or compassion, if you choose, will come naturally.
How to develop detachment? (this is a general answer, feel free to ignore any which don't apply to your life)
(a) By focussing on your own growth- if you are busy in investing your energies in a creative pursuit and growing spiritually, the other person will gradually take a back seat in your mind, heart and life.
(b) By loving yourself- Find something you like about yourself and also find something you can give others. Then as you start enhancing what you like about yourself, self-love will develop. And when you help others, your inner joy and self-love will also increase.
As we start serving society and making good use of our time, then people will cease to matter as much and we will not cling to them.
So that's how we build indifference. And you'll know you are indifferent when their presence or absence in your life won't matter, and you may not even have time to think about them either. You won't have negative feelings towards them but no love too (that's why compassion is better- in compassion you will just understand them and know they are just doing the best they know).
Dear Narayani, I developed indifference in my own life by reiterating to myself again and again that nothing ,absolutely nothing, is more important that my peace of mind. Focus so firmly on your own self worth and self growth that other things melt away. Also, forgive the other person. I used to do the meditation on forgiveness in the Black Lotus app.( also on Youtube) by Gurudev.It works like a charm. Try it.
First up, great question Narayani! I was going through a similar dilemma some time back. All of the responses given here are brilliant! To add my bit, I would say there might be two scenarios:
1) That person might have hurt you with their words/actions ie they have ACTIVELY done something to make you want to detach yourself from them.
2) They might be PASSIVE about your presence in their life ie you might feel your presence/absence does not make a difference, but you might have developed an attachment with them and hence the expectation of reciprocation is making you hurt and you need to move on.
In the first case, if you can have a conversation with them about it, if at all it's possible to have a peaceful discussion about how and what their actions/words made you feel, go ahead and have that conversation with them.
However if that is not possible and you need to undertake the moving-on journey on your own, I would suggest an exercise. And this might work in both the cases: All you need is a quiet spot and some pen & paper.
1) Take some time out and clear your mind by taking a few deep breaths. You need to approach this with a calm mind.
2) Imagine you are sitting infront of that person. Write down all the questions/arguments that you have inside your mind which might be circling back to you again and again.
3) Try to write down what their possible explanations/answers might be. Imagine that the person is actually sitting there in front of you and answering your queries. You do not need to be accurate about this and there can be multiple answers to each question.
4) If it is too draining to write down all the answers in one go, take a break and come back to it after a few hours or the next day.
5) Make sure you write down all the possible variants of explanations that your mind figures out.
6) When you are satisfied with the Q&A sessions, put a stop to it and mentally shut down this conversation. You may not have received the answers according to your expectations, but that's okay.
7) Mentally thank the other person for sitting down for this discussion with you, if their responses still hurt you, tell them so. And then bid them goodbye.
Try this out and tell me if this works. I have done this exercise quite a few times. Whenever my mind used to get agitated over it again, I used to read the possible explanations, which were contrary to my expectations but it gave me a sense of closure.
At the end of the day, remember that our mind goes into this habit of repeating the thoughts that we feed it every day. You can mindfully choose to break the thought patterns through the practice of meditation.
And after this tiring job, make sure you focus primarily on yourself and indulge in true self-love, because being content with ourselves is what makes us live happily in the long run, and not other people's view of us.
Hope this helps. Sorry for boring you out!
Jai Sri Hari! ❤️🙏🏻
Well, practically if you try to do anything, that will be against being indifferent to that person.
Detachment is the key word.
The impression and feelings about others, good or bad, are all self construed stories developed out of attachments. Know that it's not the reality.
You are only the Real who is separate from body, mind, intellect and everything outside of you.
Hari Om Tat Sat
There's a forgiveness meditation in the Black Lotus app. I suggest you try that, I found it very helpful.
If you have a goal or purpose in life, i think it is enough to walk alone.I would like to quote a quotation from Buddha in the dhammapada" If you find a companion who is good, wise and loving, walk with him all the way and overcome all the danger" and " and if you do not find a good companion , then live alone and walk alone like an elephant in the forest"
I don't think you can get indifferent to any specific person if not towards all. If you are trying to be indifferent because that person has hurt you or you are not getting enough attention from that person then you are just bothered by that person and only your ego is standing in way and wanting to be indifferent. Indifferent arises from detachment. For detachment observing the transient and empty nature of thoughts is necessary. Its a constant practice.
Let go and breathe in the real you
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