Why do people get married, when for most, it brings more pain than joy?


I know Ma Sri Devi Om has written a post on how your family or partner has got nothing to do with your spiritual journey. But I am really curious why do we still marry, when some of us may not even be fully inclined towards leading a married life?

I know my father used to tell me that even for you to be liberated, marriage is necessary. But I don't quite understand how is it so? I feel I have become only more bitter and sad after marrying. And my life has changed inside out. No jokes. It's not to say that my people are bad, no, they're not.But their ways are too different from mine and I sometimes can't cope with things they say or do. My idea of a marriage - as portrayed by the kind of friends I had was more of living a happy life (now with a partner), where the other person cares deeply about you, like almost reads your mind and knows your heart, full of travel and going on adventure trips etc and I cannot get myself to explain how sad I feel that mine is nowhere close to it. And for most women it is like that, why then do we still repeat the cycle ? - get married - raise children - get them married - oh and if it's a girl child you get married - also see them lose they joy and freedom.

On a lighter note, I was seriously considering becoming an ascetic a few months before my marriage, but you know.. I love to safar (suffer) :p

For people who didn't get the joke, go watch this now and laugh it out 😀 


11 Answers

Jai Sri Hari Aparna, most people marry because they see everyone around them marrying someone, and it's too painful not to fit in. Our parents and, to an extent, we are deeply conditioned to follow the herd.

I have a very happy married life, but we both put in a lot of effort to make it work. I have always believed my personal happiness is my responsibility. I have followed the same rule for my wife. She has always believed housework is a shared responsibility, and I have learned that from her. I have never expected her to take permission for anything, and she trusts me completely when it comes to character.

The only advice I can give you is, please start chanting a mantra whenever you get time. The spiritual confidence will translate to intellectual and physical confidence to share your views and get more mindshare at home.

Loved this video by a modern-day philosopher.



Opposite poles attract each other 😄. 

From a karmic perspective, if you have karmic relations with someone from past life, you may end up marrying that person, love or arrange. Suppose in some past life you loved someone and wanted to marry but couldn't then nature may end up creating a situation in this life where you get opportunity to marry that person. It all depends on how much do you have in your account. That's why they say desires trap you 😛. The family we get is not coincidence but a way to clear out our unresolved issues. So if you even hate someone deeply, you may end up being a close relative in other life. We are here to evolve and resolve unresolved issues and grow. All of this was mostly second hand. (But even this helps, sometimes hormones play and this information helps in keeping in senses 😅. I often tell nature, please don't mind my random thoughts, don't take them seriously, I don't want to get trapped, or more severely trapped 😅. If I were to write all the possibilities here, anyone reading this will go mad 🤣)

Now some of my thoughts on marriage. Suppose all the humans become ascetic from now on, no marriage, no kids, no family, then what? After few decades, humanity will end. Evolution will just stop. And this is not ok with nature. So marriage is and will continue to remain a part of nature as long as the world exists. If you talk about spiritual side, I believe marriage needn't be a barrier in spiritual growth. Shiva-Parvati, Krishna, Rama-Sita, Janaka, etc- all were married, even many rishis too. I once read story related to Devi's appearance as Lalitambika. It went something like that when Shiva burnt Kamadev to ashes, it removed all the love and beauty of Universe. Devi's appearance as Lalitambika, Kameshwari revived Kama once again so that nature flows properly. "हर नेत्राग्नी संदग्ध काम संजीवन औषधि" - LSN. If Shiva is death, detachment, then She is Life, nature, love, cosmic play - Leela.

This world is mysterious place. There is a shloka in Durga Saptashati-

"'ज्ञानिनामपि चेतांसि, देवी भगवती ह्री सा।
बलादाकृष्य मोहाय, महामाया प्रयच्छति।।  

(Salutations to You, O Jagadamba) Even the consciousness of the Jnanis (Spiritually-Evolved souls) are part of You, O Devi Bhagavati, for You, make them attract towards Moha (Delusion) by Your Power, when You the Mahamaya Will so (such is Your Power and Divine Play)."

You can all this the play of Mahamaya. But this is necessary for sustainance. This is the cycle of Samsara. 

All in all, no matter what explanation you give this has kept happening from eons and will keep happening till the Pralaya kaal 😄. If you don't feel ok with this answer, take it easy, take it for fun.

Btw, shaadi Ka ladoo- Jo khaye, vo pachtaye, Jo na khaye vo bhi pachtaye 🤣🤣🤣.


Dear Aparna, I too feel the same about getting married but my reasons are different than yours, Anyway, coming to yours, I really don't know if it's my place to say anything because you are most probably elder to me. But I have been in a serious relationship and I can tell you one thing, mind reading is a fairy tale concept, which ended my relationship. My partner expected the same from me (adventure trips, travel and almost all that you stated) which did not happen because I was too invested in my career and at the time I just needed him to support me. I believe you should talk it through with yours may be he is too invested in something more important or may be he just simply is not aware of your thoughts. You see, everyone is different and idea of showing love is also different for everybody. For someone it may mean dates and gifts and for some other it may mean sitting together in a comfy couch all day doing nothing. We can't judge someone based on our idea of love. Communication is the key, please tell your partner how you feel


I am not sure. 

I think it's because they have hope that their happiness will come with marriage or from other people. We seek what is lacking in us, and most people seek fulfillment in others only to realise that the other person is also not fulfilled and it is an inner affair. 


I have looked at every married person around me and wondered the same thing. Why on earth are they married? Even the ones that married each other by choice are miserable. But then again, when 2 or more people are living under the same roof, disagreements and quarrels are bound to happen. 

I clearly don't have any solution to your problem. But the part where the other person can read your mind or knows your heart without you having to say anything is the stuff of fairytales. It doesn't happen in reality and anyone who says otherwise is lying (unless of course, your partner is a sidhha!). This is some useful dating advice that someone knocked into my head that helped me get rid of my unrealistic expectations. More often than not you need to say what you want or need out loud if not spell it out for the other person. 

I guess, marriage like most other things in life gives an illusion of stability and "settling down". And all of us have been taught to chase stability from our childhood. It all started with how life would be settled if we scored good marks in class 10th boards and is still ongoing. Change scares us. So we try to make certain things constant like who we live with or what we do as a living for the rest of our lives etc. But life is in a continuous state of flux, settling down in life can never happen. 


I have thought about it once, and the two best answers that came to my mind are (please note that the reasons below are not backed by any text so I might be 100% wrong too):

1. Our souls are not single (soulmates), so the purpose is to do the journey to realization together. Not everyone is alone in past lifetimes, and the journeys are inter-twined so you are destined to marry. So if already married, its best to help the other person too to get to the spiritual enlightenment, otherwise in the next life they might come alone and continue the journey alone ultimately reaching enlightenment.

2. Having babies - to help another soul progress through a lifetime towards ultimate enlightenment.


Hi Aparna Ji ,

your question itself is worth of million appreciations and it’s already compressive of answer in it. 

The answer is to experience the illusion 😀 

whenever my wife is angry at me, I keep quiet, and later I always mention to her,

thanks to Mother Nature without you, being my wife, I would have missed a lot of fun and my life could have been completely dry ☺️😄

on a serious note,  once aspirants incline toward spiritual growth he or she starts appreciating everything in life. 
By default life is hell but good things happen each and every moment by the grace of Mother Divine.

sorry for my impromptu answer. 😄
Om Narayani Namostute.

regards :



I'm facing heavy pressure from my family to get married. However, I shall not budge until I am convinced of the necessity for marriage.

My family says that they don't want me to be alone.But I like solitude. My family says that I need someone to take care of me. But, even when I'm surrounded by caring people, my natural instinct is to depend on myself for resolving my issues. My family tells me that you need to live the householder life to be a True ascetic(think Maslow's hierarchy). This is a valid point and my only counter to my family is that maybe I've lived the householder life many times in past lives and that maybe this life is for something different.

I wish my family would just respect my wishes and let me figure out how to navigate this situation on my own. 


Marriage with pure desire for progeny does not defile a person. But only saints and sages of yore were fit for such marriages. After observing austere brahmacharya( chastity) for a long time, they would marry and then having sons like Vyasa, Shukadeva, Sanaka and Sanatkumar, they would finally retire to the forest to lead the life of a recluse. But it cannot be so in this Iron Age. Nowadays people do not have sufficient austerity and self-control.


Dear Aparna ji, 

I am just one month into married life. I might not give any insights as of now. My response could be biased. I am quite curious to see myself in the role of a husband. 


While reading this question i felt as if you had read my mind and written this post for me 6 months ago. I have read the replies and would like to know, how these replies have helped you?

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