This week has been very thought-provoking for me. Yes, it was triggered by Sushant Singh Rajput taking his own life. After four years or so, I must’ve seen Arnab Goswami’s debate on the topic on youtube. It was a lot of people talking, and no one making any sense.

My 10-year-old son came from behind and said,  “Mom – this big successful actor…why did he do it?” My first instinct was to protect my son. I just said, ” Baby, people have very high expectations, probably he wanted to be number 1. I think we must be happy and not lament about something we don’t have”. He seemed satisfied with the answer and ran off to play.

I, however, stayed with it a little more. Will we ever be able to understand what a depressed mind is going through? Especially one that’s fragile and being bullied? I tried to remember all those times I have experienced failure. A few heartbreaks in life, one made me hear Mariah Careys’ Hero some hundred times, and I decided, the hero is in me. Another time when my very close folks did what I thought was a great injustice, the skies looked less blue, and there was melancholy in the air, literally.

That negativity in me did come out with harsh words and behavior, which only made me feel worse. Then another time – another heartbreak – this time it was meditation and Om Namah Shivay, which got me through. I remember those days of deep meditation, or that is what I thought it was then. Now I know it was my minds’ coping mechanism. Then later again in my career, an investor refused to transfer the last tranch of funds promised and signed under contract, that too at the last minute when we had very little money in the bank. As a result, we ran out of money and had to sell our company, something we had put our heart and soul in. This time,  I paused,  and I noticed these waves of life – ups and downs – extraordinary success followed by failure and then success again, intense happiness, followed by pain and sadness and then joy again. I decided it’s just untrue. It’s not the truth.

This whole time it was about just me, and what happened to me? It was about how good I am or how I wasn’t able to achieve something. Who am I? I am one organism in this vast, vast, expansive universe, and it doesn’t matter what happens to me, all the good and bad that I do or what’s done to me.

I feel its a very tiny or subtle shift in dimension or perspective. That part when you are actually meditating and when you are trying to meditate, when you feel really feel intense love and when you are trying to feel it. It’s like when you are trying to run that 21k…or a better example would be when you try to achieve a handstand…you do it every day and then one day after five years or so that core connects and holds you up or instead upside down.

Do you feel intense joy? No, you realize the next step is to do a scorpion in a handstand, and there is always something more. You discover that something more only when you reach a thresh hold. But should that something more depress you? I feel it should excite you; you just discovered a path ahead of where you are now.

But what happens when we are engulfed in that helpless feeling? Wanting, trying so hard and not succeeding. Its been so long since I have felt that, but yes, it’s so real and absolutely drowning. Maybe just that tiny change in perspective from you doing things to letting things happen to you.

My lesson is to allow kids to fail and be okay if something terrible happens. My experience is also to teach them that its God who you should have a relationship with, more than your parents or friends. My lesson is to find that hero within you like Mariah Careys’ song.

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Arunima Singhdeo

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