If you haven’t guessed it yet, I am Amore. Her story is my story. And the Master Specialist is, of course, Swamiji. When I first started writing this series, I wrote it as Amore’s story so that I had her as a comforting blanket over me. But now I am ready to be vulnerable. Now I am ready to face myself. I am Chantal Om. And I am proud to say this.
One morning, at the crack of dawn, I was sitting on the beach, facing the stillness of the lagoon. The sea was turquoise-blue with its different colour values projecting shades of light and darkness that reflected back on the water. It looked like a big swimming pool, calm and poised. A flock of black sparrows above my head were swirling like the Sufi whirling dervishes; a grandiose moment of nature’s play. My heart echoed gratitude and I bowed to the ocean. Soon after the greetings and merging, the sparrows left me alone, in connection with my higher self.
I was thinking deeply and taking stock of my life. I saw a full-fledged 3D movie of my old patterns, addictions and the actions I took to escape aversion to suffering.
I started to notice all my beliefs, my inherited beliefs about men in particular, the patriarchy that created all the experiences I had with my male relationships: my husband, the other men I had been with, the platonic male relationships, friends, my brother, my son and my biological father.
Time and time again as I got older, I had been rejecting anything to do with the masculine energy. Why? Because the patriarchy manipulates, governs, oppresses and exploits women, right? It’s what I’ve known and what I’ve believed. And all my experiences in the outside world are an exact replica of my own beliefs. Therefore, my beliefs are mirrored in my external world and turn them into a reality.
“My beliefs make my external experiences and attract all that I think I am about myself. Wow! Wow! Wow!” What a mind-blowing ‘Aha!’ moment I thought. Now I understood the self-help books I’ve been reading that explain the Law of Attraction which clearly states that positive or negative thinking attracts and governs so much in our lives. The puzzle at last came together.
I also realised I had actually been ‘in love’ with my ego not myself. I loved dressing up to be different and to attract people’s attention and get validation. Part of it was certainly retail therapy, I loved spending money on my avant-garde style. At least, in those days I thought I was “avant-garde” lol -) My underlying behaviour was subtle but it definitely stated, “Oh! I am superior, I am different, I am more than you, look at me!! Tra lalala.” That kind of a thing.
As the movie continued in my mind, at this point I didn’t like what I was seeing. Could this be the truth? Was I really like that? An arrogant and egoistic woman?
A timid ‘Yes’ came out of my heart together with a big sigh.
The honesty of this awareness gave me some comfort as I can feel, thanks to the Master Specialist, Swami ji, some changes have taken place within me. I am now falling in love with the beloved, the divine within. I am moving from a place of vanity to purity.
I took out my notebook and started to write what I believed about myself. I wanted to change my belief system in order to create my new reality.
I questioned my beliefs and wrote them down. It looked very much like this: “Oh! I am unworthy. I was abandoned. Nobody loves me, I am alone anyway. I am not pretty, I am not lovable, nobody cares about me.”
My core wounds and beliefs were now identified. But was this true? Had I really been abandoned? Am I not loved by Swami ji, by my husband, my children, my family, and by x,y and z? Is it really true that I’m not lovable or worthy of love? What are the facts that support these beliefs?
These beliefs of inadequacy contribute to some of the attributes of the red rose, the wounded feminine (which i wrote about in my previous post). My wounded attributes were: a lack of self- confidence, no boundaries with people, desperate for love, being stuck in victimhood, and looking for external validation with my silly clothing exhibitionism.
I cried and laughed at the understanding. I can’t carry on believing these things, they cause me so much suffering. Contemplating the causes of my suffering empowered me. I began to recognize that I had what it took to cut through my habit of dangerous thinking like feeding my mind with poison. What stories do we tell ourselves?
I decided to re-write my inner script and delete the old programs that have been running the show of my life for far too long. It’s clear that my belief system, the inadequacies I have been feeling inside, I have been taking out to the world, especially about men.
So, I put pen to paper and created a chart to become more aware of my patterns in order to identify them clearly.
Let’s call it ‘EBTEA’ (EVENT, BELIEFS, THOUGHTS, EMOTIONS, ACTION) — Observing & reprogramming our beliefs.
It’s an invitation for you, too, to experiment and re-write your own inner script:
EBTEA- OBSERVING AND CHANGING OUR BELIEFS EVENT – BELIEFS – THOUGHTS – EMOTIONS – ACTION
1. Write a triggering EVENT/situation you encountered.
2. Write down your BELIEFS (ie. what were your beliefs in that moment when you got triggered?).
3. Write the THOUGHTS that took place at that particular moment.
4. Write down the EMOTIONS you were feeling. Identify whether it was anger, frustration, jealousy
5. Write the ACTION you took (eg. did you slap your husband when he triggered you? Only kidding -)
6. Repeat the process with as many triggering events as you encounter in your daily life.
If you keep writing these triggering events in EBTEA over a few weeks, you will start noticing your beliefs, your core wounds that actually run the show of your life.
Once you notice the patterns and beliefs you can re-write your new beliefs and create the best version of yourself, I call it your inner script.
Once I completed the experiment, I realized that I had been looking for a hero/saviour archetype man (see part 4 of this series for more on this in case you missed it) to compensate for the lack of love I felt all my life coming from the inadequate feeling that I was not enough. I thought sourcing it from outside was the solution.
I also became aware of the distorted masculine image I had inherited from my history with men. Since I became a woman from a child, I kept believing that men were unreliable, unfaithful, emotionally detached, distant, domineering and abusive. Why these beliefs?
When I had my first sexual experience, I was abused, although I consented to the act. My grand-father was an alcoholic, a womanizer and abandoned his family. My father abandoned my siblings and I after my mother passed away. He was an authoritative man where speaking our minds was not permitted. To top it off, my first husband was an alcoholic who abused me physically when he was drunk.
After all this, I was completely shattered. Not anymore.
Now is the time to take charge of my life, I thought. A new script. A new reality I can write for myself, with a new fragrance; a fragrance of love, freshness, purity, joy, freedom, confidence and completeness.
After all, Bhagwan is both the Feminine and Masculine energy. I have to embrace both. No more fear, no more rejection.
Can I see the Divine in every man, instead of seeing the alcoholic, the emotionally unavailable man, the one who’s narcissistic, avoidant and fearful? Can I instead see the man in all his splendour, the king, as our Swami ji is?
Don’t all men have that seed, the potential to be a giver, a protector, a humble and compassionate one, non-judgmental.
Will I be able to see the Divine in my father who abandoned me or in the narcissist who abused me? They don’t have to be in my life anymore, but can I forgive them completely and change my beliefs?
I don’t know, yet. It’s a tough one…. But I have to try. I have to for my sake, my husband’s, and my daughters’. I have to become the hero of my own life and change the damn script!
I will come back to this series only when I’ve reached the next step. In the meantime, bear with me. As Swamiji says there is no rapid transformation, no instant coffee formula in the process of transformation.
This is the start of my new script, what’s yours?