Today my father came to my room to tell me to pack stuff for distributing.(today is last day of my sadhana)

But he slightly raised his voice , perhaps that is his nature. But i became so much afraid from inside when i heard that voice. It threw me off balance.

I couldnt concentrate. 

 

In my childhood he had scolded me many many times to perhaps discipline me,  but that perhaps inhibited me to not live properly.

 

Many many times i would have tried to control my actions so that i could get no more scolding. In fact i even tried to forcibly control my thoughts.

 

 

Perhaps today i felt afraid was also because i didnt have the strenghth to fight  him back. Even if i say what i feel, i dont know truthfully whether he will understand it or not. I dont know what he will do.

 

I feel we must try to make our children strong by building them up slowly by slowly and not burn them down with our harsh attitude. The thought that ‘i know best’ ruins even the greatest.

 

I cant even love him fully because of this fear.

My head hurts while writing this post.

 

I know perhaps he is doing what he thinks best, but what he is doing is not ok, and he does not listen. Perhaps if his heart gets purified, he will see the beauty in himself and in others. 

 

Also i am going to badrika ashram today, please pray that i go and come back safely, because i get anxious and afraid outside.

 

Because my inner strenght is lacking still to date. Might need perhaps 6 more months of successful sadhana to regain my old confidence and vigour back, hopefully.

 

Last time i went , and stayed in the timber trail hotel, then in my negative emotions i broke the lamp glass when i didnt know what to do. 

Also when i am in car or train i feel afraid. Because i spent about a year going in a tiny van with very awful people to school. And they really filled my ears and mind with so much abuses and sexual talks.

 

 

In the end, your family might or might not be your saviour. Well wisher, maybe. But if they themselves are internally impure or weak, how can they perhaps help you all the way. So always , always keep your connection with the  heart, consider it very sacred. Never do any work that goes against your inner principles. Never let them hurt you more than a few times. Make yourself independent. Recognize the rules a ways of the world. Befriend everyone, so that you need not depend on a few.

 

 

I hope i get married soon. I want a new family. I am 19 on paper right now. 

Or even if i make a family out of people i meet