Maa tujhe salaam 2

Here’s a painting, I started making, After a day of my third case of molestation coming from my now husband’s father, when he himself was in a difficult time.  It was a Full moon that day and a day before Holi in 2020 when one more devil took over a mind and tried to hold in it the world to end. 
I don’t have any feelings towards anyone, as, before it, my own grandfather molested me when I was 13/14. and before it I was molested for a long time when I was 7-8/9 years old. 
But what hurts is the way society is coping with truth… by simply hiding it, WANTING it to stay under the rug.  
I wonder if rage is courage, 
often not,   
because you couldn’t show courage at the time you had to, and then you are left with,  all that rage inside, all your life. 
When all those people who are just being a BASIC MEAN human but you feel the trauma boiling up inside and something hideous is now gonna come out of your mouth because life can be shit and many, you think, haven’t seen the worst, and bitter truth. You want to yell it out that you the sickening stare gliding through… The insensitivity is carried on, so why don’t you hear some harsh words from my mouth, so you know what all is always lingering in your own eyes and you choose to play with the truth. 
I was completely broken and shattered, and tbh only numbness saved me, as I couldn’t reach my parents and my husband was imprisoned at that time. I mean maybe I could still handle it and myself … because it has already happened to me . the virtue of “trust” LEFT my body, more so my existence. 
My father supported me and my emotions even without knowing anything…and seeing that, I realized that I had to confront him about what has happened to me because it took a toll of hell on me every now and then. 
for the first time in my life in 20 years I said the truth face to face to my parents. 
And the day I did it I realized, if I would have spoken about it the very first time it happened, it wouldn’t have happened the other two times. 
SHAME, FEAR, GUILT, LOW SELF ESTEEM, MANIPULATION, PEOPLE PLEASING  
but what hurt me the most, at that time, after that sin itself.. when all I am thinking about is my healing, art, and moving on in my life with my life partner,  I am accused of what society will think of me, as to who I am with, what I am doing XYZ? Felt worthless from that perspective, but i was supported by god to be able to take my decisions, weather financially or even by heart…  
 then bursted yet again and I sent voice notes to my whatsapp family group saying all that i can.  
But do you know what happened…the group was very shortly deleted without a single reply. 
MOTHER do I owe something to this sickening society who will look away a hundred times from the truth that ACTUALLY MATTERS?  
 I am before anything very thankful that I can vent myself out here, in a safe space, as it’s a big ill of the society due to which many daughters are living in “suffocation”. 
Here’s a little something I wrote on my website. 
You ask me what I am, what I do, and I loose the sense of self and vocabulary and all that I feel is Healing.  
Art was the starting,  
music caught me in its rhythm and mother, the divine mother kept her hand on my head.  
But I will end the day she’ll take me in her arms.  
For now I’ll serve what she has given to us,  
art in its many forms.  
Everything is energy,  
Low and high is the only difference where even she rides and witnesses the beauty and crime.  
Mother nature, humans didn’t leave you from scraping your skin, how will they leave your daughters?  
Mother Earth the victims blame you for other’s sins and forget the pain you feel within.  
WITH HIS GRACE 
EVEN THE HEAVIEST OF STONES  
ARE FLUSHED fFROM THE HEART. 
… 
Love to all my sisters and daughters of dear Divine Mother. 
Teach your children to speak their truth, never shame them, never hate them.

They are children of God, just like you.

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Sonakshi Agarwal

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