I was working and just finished a meeting. I was reading earlier and was contemplating on it. I realized how I am also moving towards emptying myself slowly, very slowly. I started having these emotional thoughts (mind taking over you see) that I am emptying myself of expecting love for love. Compassion from another being. It is this idea that you hold in your mind and heart that you are this person, you lead your life this way. These labels and story of your life that you hold on to, gives you the most pain at times. In my head I was thinking that I am actually liberating as I was letting go, but then again I was moving away from my nature.
How can one be empty on love? I know to fill one’s heart with love, one need to empty it out first and I was assuming that I am doing something similar. But I was only trying to get back at another feeling of hurt (I will sit and think/write about it another day. I am just talking to myself right now basically.) I was just feeling that I have been waiting to be loved and have been betrayed and now I am ready to move away from it; become unattached, indifferent, unmoved and what not. It was only making me rigid and taking away the compassionate nature. I was not able to see any of these though.
I am fasting today, something that I have tried only a couple of times in the past. I remember this one time when I was a child and it was janamashtami then. Me and my cousin both decided to fast like the elders of the family were doing. It meant we will eat fruits and dried water chestnut halwa and kheer of a particular type (suitable for fasting). My sister fell sick and I couldn’t be risked as I was 3 years younger. If I remember the incident well, we both were made to break our fasts and eat regular food.
Coming back to the present day. I sat in my room contemplating on emptying myself of feelings of love and I suddenly started hearing aarti bells from my roommate’s closed room. Something just changed my chain of thoughts. I have been an admirer/devotee of Sri Krishna bhagwan ji for long. Nothing superficial or religious about it, just in my heart I believe on him and we celebrate janamshtami at home every year with great enthusiasm. I missed to call home at midnight IST and now it occurred me what the ringing bell sound was. My roommate’s family were doing the puja. I called home immediately and nobody picked up, I realized I was late. Something was happening form the inside, I started feeling like I want to attend the aarti or puja. I had offered my prayer in the morning but this was different kind of an urge to see the puja being performed with family in full divinity and enthusiasm.
I sat in my chair thinking if I should go knock on my roommate’s door and ask to be included in the video call while she celebrated with close family back in India. It was a couple minutes by now, and I decided to just go. I was just doing and not thinking anything, I called for her at her door and I choked up. I continued, I realized that I am going to start crying soon but I stood there asking her if I could enter the room. It was still locked so I asked if it was the aarti going on, she said yes and as she opened the door I asked if I could attend as well. Now my eyes met hers and tears were already rolling down my eyes. I quietly sat on the chair while she held the phone. I was trying hard to control my tears, I wiped them without making much movement so she wouldn’t be bothered much.
She was kind enough to not look at me or say anything and just kept talking to the family occasionally (her cousins also in the conference call) and the joint family performed aarti and Krishna bhagwan ji’s birth celebration in turn. I couldn’t fathom the reason behind me crying and silently my tears were still continuing to flow. I would have sat there for 5-10 minutes and every time I tried to gather myself, moments later tears will start flowing. My brother called me back and I found out the puja at my place was long done and they were breaking the fast. I couldn’t be seen crying on video call to my family so I hung up. I basked in lord Krishna’s divinity and the in bliss looked at my roommate’s phone screen while the aarti was going on. We took virtual aarti and I got up from there. By this time I realized it was lord Krishna’s love that made me cry, I wasn’t particularly homesick but immersed in divine love towards lord Krishna that made me cry. I felt joyous now, doubts cleared my mind and I was at peace again. I ate some fruits and called home again, only to share a laugh while I asked if one could eat dahi (yogurt) while on fast. I decided to share this immediately over osme platform as it will remain here for long and I could remind myself of the divine love present in all of us and not to be dejected by not receiving the same amount of love from beings, as I am looking at the wrong place. Closing my eyes and experiencing the love that mother nature pours on all of us, that bhagwan Krishna send eternally is beyond comprehension and containment. I am so happy that he filled me with love again while I was thinking of emptying.
I will write more as my heart has so much to share, in the times to come. Thank you all of you, for sharing your love and kindness unconditionally 💕