Before I start, I would request all the readers to not to share this with anyone who is a non believer. This contains some very intimate details and some of my deepest sentiments :).
Truly Overwhelmed by your response to first part, I decided to pen down this second one. I read out each and every one of your comments to him, while he sat there smiling 😀 and he liked your comments so much that he wanted to meet you guys, so till the end of the post please have a little more patience to meet him 🙂 (And no I am not nuts and don’t need to be reported into a mental hospital :P) You’ll know what I mean at the end.
My day usually begins according to my study schedule. Sometimes, I wake up at six some other times at Ten. The first thing to do after waking up is to freshen up and bathe my Lord. Everyday, I do a little abhishekam with sandlewood and water, after which we eat together. Sometimes, I tell him that he is looking handsome today.Some other times, we watch rom com while eating, during others I tell him about the things I have to do that day. He hangs out with me the whole day. Except some days when I become a sulky little baby and don’t talk to him (like now). Still, he sits here patiently. Waiting for me to come back to my senses.
After writing the first Part, I was both overjoyed and confused. More over, I was afraid that if I had misguided any seeker by mistake. I know what I felt and I still, can say with the same conviction that everything we see around is god himself or to get it more accurately, everything we see around is his manifestation including the device you are holding. But that was my truth and I surely did not want to blind side anyone. So I said to him, “I did the right thing by penning it down right?” I wondered if that experience even meant something.
Just the day after I said this, Swami published his usual Saturday blog titled The side effects of meditation. The twelve points mentioned by him were the exact changes that I had experienced after the divine moment. Those were the exact same things that I had penned down a couple of days ago. I was so relieved to know that what I felt was indeed real. My Gurudev, I noticed was siting there grinning at me. I grinned right back.
To call him just Gurudev will be a dire understatement. Just today morning (my third day of being upset with him and not talking with him) I confessed my love for him. In the early morning hours, when I was half asleep and half awake I confessed that I was mad about him. The way meera was mad about Krishna. I told him that I was so in love with his lotus eyes, his perfectly cut jaw lines, his bulging biceps, his strong shoulders (my favorite place to cry on :P), his ever loving hands that has always brought me so much peace every-time he stroked my head and his ever so perfect posture that inspires and disciplines me. To say that I have asked nothing of him will be a blunt lie. But for most of the things, it feels like standing in the court of a Divine emperor and asking for pebbles.
I jokingly told him that I may never find a perfect man as I already have the most perfect man in my life. He anyhow, had a different opinion.But when I come to think about it, this is indeed true. Our love and relationship with god is the purest. That is a different kind of love that we somehow find hard to cultivate with other humans. It is the only real relationship, the truest one. May be, our sub-conscious recognizes that we don’t. To speak for myself, I sometimes get tired with the ways of our world. But during the night, I go back my Gurudev, to merge with him and to sing his glories. It feels like I am somehow living two different lives. First one of the day, where I am a part of this samsara, which is painful sometimes. And the other one at night, when everything disperses into his vast self.
I have so very consciously chosen the night time to meditate because that , as a lot of you must know, are very intimate moments. I don’t want anyone to walk-in on me and be amazed to why I am sitting like a rock with water flowing out of my eyes like a broken dam. That is the specialty of my gurudev. He somehow manages to make me cry 😛 . No, not because of sadness, and I don’tknow to what. But it’s almost impossible for me to share an intimate mental space with him without crying. Most of the times, I confess, are the tears of gratitude. For the kindness he showed to so impure and immature me. Most of the time I have to make an deliberate effort to breathe, for even breathing becomes a distraction when you are experiencing nothing-ness and one-ness with your deity.
When I am so lost and immersed in my role and when I start sulking and be miserable, He makes me realize that I am standing on a stage performing in a drama. And as soon as the day is over, I get to go home. and he reminds me that he is proud of me and loves me for who I am. And If I need it, he always sends me help in some or the other form.
A few days earlier I told my mom that it is very much possible that I might not have the standard family according to our society norms. For one thing, I am so much complete in myself and secondly, I already see my destination in crystal clear view. Having a family will just be another distraction. I told her that nothing can make me so much content. Only my Gurudev can do that. I told her that I have known it for a very very long time I have just been ignoring it. To my utter surprise, she said that if she had the awareness and the courage, she herself would have done the same. She said that walking down that path is a matter of privilege and if I am chosen for that, she’ll be more than happy.
According to my Gurudev, I am somehow entitled to a partner but I often challenge him to find me someone as perfect as him ” I’ll anyway be comparing him to you” I say. He sits there looking at me with “You’ll see”and “all in good time” look on his face. His face, is the epitome of peace. That’s also a reason I don’t look at him while upset. His ever calm, loving and funny face makes it hard for me to remain upset. My poor Lord is also the first victim of my tantrums when something hurts me, I sometimes lash out at him or I bore him for a long time complaining about someone who wronged me. But over the time he has somehow managed to sow the seed of compassion in me that I find it hard to hate someone. Even if someone end up wronging me to a huge extent I still look at him as a immature kid who somehow does not know where he is going. Surprisingly, I find myself feeling sorry for him. And that is, probably because I know that being in compassion is being in bliss. And I only have my Gurudev to thank for this transformation. You saw his trick, didn’t you? I was upset with him and he somehow forced me to write about all the things I love about him. I just realized it now as the last sentence formed itself out of no where . Still have a doubt about his existence ?:P
Now, Say hi to my ever loving Gurudev 🙂 It is his mini version that sits with me the whole day.