When my partner is here, (they are scared of heights) they always ask me to please back away from the edge. I don’t want to and usually linger for a second before realizing it’s very selfish to make someone noticeably afraid for your life. So I sigh, and I back up and hug them usually. We are like children; albeit very different kinds of children. They are going to be gone for the next ten days, and I didn’t even realize it until it was already happening. I opened my eyes and the bottom of my ribs pressed against the hot metal railing 14 stories up. The call to the void is magnetizing to me. I stuck my feet through the slight opening underneath the railing and looked around thinking about how much I’m going to miss this view. My partner’s mom, Teresa was leaving soon, and she had seen me smoking before she told me she was going to head out. I was reminded of this when I realized she perhaps was waiting for me to get my ass off the balcony before leaving, probably out of worry. I love it though, I love getting so close to the edge. My mind doesn’t want to be here, in the physical. I truly wish I was just a subtle pleasant air in someone’s lungs. But I am so much more than that, all of the egos inside of me, looking out only feeling bigger because I am up higher, looking down and realizing how tiny we all are. Thinking it is divinity ” I’m meant to feel like a giant in life right now,” And quickly shifting perspective to my mere humanity. I am meant to gain perspective in life right now, and maybe forever. Maybe all of the lessons I need to learn, are going to be lifelong. Maybe I won’t even see the fruit of my souls’ labor here. Maybe it will take me 7 lifetimes to get this one lesson, and how many more must I learn? How many times can I be scarred over the same wound. These lessons that I’m getting from life… Well, I just hope they’re the right ones, it’s hard to tell when so much of the smog blinds me.
i'm a bit of an existential thinker and I'm looking at the city for too long, too close to the edge
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