Part 1: Here 

The Master Specialist was just about to speak when Amore’s logical mind went Ping! Amore opened her eyes wide and panicked, “Notes!” she blurted out.

You need to make notes, Amore! her mind charged at her. You have to write down everything He says. This is it, the magic formula. Hurry up Amore! Your appointment is nearly finished. Write it all down!

A flock of people were queued outside the Master Specialist’s clinic to spend their time in his sacred presence and learn the secrets of the Universe. Conscious of them patiently waiting and not wanting to take advantage of the Master Specialist’s kindness and the time he had already given her, Amore frantically rummaged through her hand bag and grappled with her notebook and pen.

Amore and information, especially of the spiritual kind, shared a special relationship. An addiction is one way to put it. Amore drank in as much spiritual information as she could. Her thirst was insatiable and her home was filled with books on spirituality and self-help, and boxes of certificates and notes from her self-transformational courses, plus endless piles of journals she had filled with her musings and thoughts during her spiritual quest. Amore’s search had been as endless as her piles of journals but she still didn’t feel, complete, whole.

Pen and paper in hand, Right! Amore looked up at the Master Specialist. Now she was ready to write down and memorise this devotional template, whatever it was, perhaps something like a to do list or a check list, she thought, that would finally fill her with that much needed Vitamin L.

But the Masters gaze was still and deep, piercing straight through her soul, making it unbearable for her to sustain her thoughts, she dropped her regard. Something told Amore that what she was about to receive was not information.

As He spoke, the tonality of the Master’s voice came from a place of deep compassion, “This is going to be slightly different for you, Amore. You are about to step into a new phase of your life. Please listen with your heart. You may put the notebook away.”

Amore’s mind piped in, “Oh but what if I forget? May I record it instead?”

The Master gave a little chuckle. “Amore,” He said, “this can only be achieved through the heart. There comes a point in our lives when we must un-learn everything in order to empty ourselves. Then we start with a clean slate. Let in all the emotions you feel and observe them. Emotions are not who we are, they are simply a signal that energy is in motion. Allow them to visit and prick you every now and then. Sit with them, be the observer, then the next step…”

The Master Specialist paused for a brief moment and was about to continue when Amore, who had been listening intently and nodding up until now, interjected in this split-second moment of silence enthusiastically with, “Yes! I get it doctor! I get it!” jumping up and down like a 5-year-old, proud of voicing out the correct answer to her teacher. “So You mean I should sit still while meditating and allow all the emotions to come in and just observe them.”

The Master remained silent and smiled, His eyes twinkling.

Amore continued, “I use to fight my emotions, Oh God! I got it all wrong! I get it now… it’s so easy! Thank You, thank You! I will now take your leave doctor, many people are waiting outside, I have exceeded my time.”

She bowed down at his feet in reverence and gratitude and left the sacred clinic with a smile on her face and a feeling of contentment. But then all of sudden Amore stopped in her tracks, aware now that some things hadn’t been said, and what about the devotional love template the doctor was supposed to prescribe her? Amore had a feeling that if she hadn’t wasted time looking for a pen and had kept her mouth shut, she might not have left empty handed. Another feeling, however, gently enveloped her, a feeling that told her, something beyond her understanding had taken place, that the Master Specialist had done his job to perfection and she hadn’t left empty handed at all. Amore breathed and smiled, she was ready to step into the new cycle of her life, her destination!

After a seven-hour flight, Amore arrived home, feeling mighty and equipped to meet the new version of herself.

Once back, however, reality hit hard, Amore felt a sense of disappointment seep in, for nothing had changed, life was playing the same old tune like a scratched vintage record. Her husband had no time for her as usual; he was a business tycoon with no desire to understand her farfetched spiritual teachings of the Himalayas. It made no sense to him and besides, billions of dollars were at stake or invested in new ventures. He spent more time running his office and projects whilst her emotional needs remained unmet. She questioned her marriage, she blamed her husband for her all her emotional turmoil, and so again she descended the emotional ladder towards darkness, sadness and that deep-rooted, foreboding and petrifying feeling of abandonment.

Amore tried to follow the ‘methodology’ that the Master Specialist had talked about and sat for hours in her meditation room observing her emotions, but then her imagination ran away with them; Amore saw herself lying in a bath tub, filled with bugs swimming in the water. Each memory and the emotions that came with them bit her and stung her. “OWWW!” she screamed. “You bastard! You hurt me so much, you never loved me, you abandoned me, Daddy! And Mama left and everybody left too and now it’s my husband’s turn! I am not worthy of love, I am doomed!” The same old story had resurfaced. Amore thought she had addressed these issues in her years of psychotherapy sessions, so why where they still biting at her again? This time, with no book or course to refer to, Amore was facing them head on, alone. Just herself and her raw memories and emotions. In total despair, Amore’s body convulsed and twisted on the floor; she howled and banged her head against the concrete wall; anything to take away the pain from inside her.

This scenario of emotional purges went on for two months. 

All the knowledge she had from her books and courses, and her usual self-love system of pampering herself with a body massage, a haircut and a pedicure didn’t seem to bandage the wounds as it used to. Some people went for shopping therapy, food binging, Netflix or perhaps to other people or drugs and alcohol, to feel better; Amore used to spend hours at the spa trying to make herself look perfect on the outside, thinking, perhaps my husband will ‘see’ me now. This will solve everything.

But in these months after meeting the Master Specialist, although her self-love pampering sessions at the spa left her feeling a little relaxed and refreshed for a while, eventually it faded and she was in a raw state again, as if she’d undergone surgery. It was that painful.

When her racing thoughts and emotions tormented Amore at night, and she couldn’t sleep, she obviously couldn’t go for massage and a pedicure nor to the hairdresser at midnight, so she swallowed a sleeping pill without hesitation. It became the only way to switch the thoughts off. At least while she was asleep they could not reach her. But when Amore woke, there was no improvement and she did not love herself an inch more than the day before. All Amore experienced was a temporary numbing agent like applying a dry dressing over her wounds but it did not heal her lack of self-love.

Amore thought hard about her patterns and self-love. Is self-love something you can obtain through a beauty makeover or a new set of clothes? Can you get more of it by reading something more inspirational? Or can a new relationship make you love yourself more? The answer to all of these questions came to her as a big, fat NO!

Amore needed to find out why she still did not love herself completely, why did she feel guilty about her past, why could she not forgive herself for the mistakes? Why could she not love her wrinkles nor even the shape of her toes… the list of the things she didn’t like about herself was endless! She wanted to love 100% of who she was, and she was doing what the Master Specialist had said, wasn’t she? But she couldn’t understand why it wasn’t working. Could she have missed a step?

Amore packed her bags, booked another flight to Himachal Pradesh and off she went.

She was now waiting in the queue outside the sacred clinic to meet the doctor again. The Master Specialist has to have all the answers this time! Amore chewed at her nails, her heart fluttered in anticipation. Only three people remained ahead of her.

To be continued…

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Chantal Om Espitalier-Noel

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