As I had scribbled before, I felt like a misfit forever. That always kept me lonely. Even when I was in a crowd, I felt alone.
The world called me insane and unusual. Obviously, most people don’t come across a householder who has abandoned and even sold off all her jewels and lives in her custom tees & black leggings (or jeggings) to eternity. A weirdo who loathes small talk, dislikes mainstream cinema, and can’t tolerate Bollywood (or any such) music barring a rare few gems. Add to that the fact that I’ve seen the Divine – like I see you and me.
Swami tried to help me by being my friend. He did everything he could to lead me towards my destination. Yet, even he couldn’t solve my problem beyond a point. That’s because the journey of self-discovery is like none other. Nobody can ever give you the answer to who you are. Not even the best guru to ever walk on earth! The only person who has the solution to that question is the one searching for it.
Interestingly, the solution to who-am-I doesn’t always come in a cave. We find answers to that in the most unexpected places. At times, the answer that gives one person peace might even feel trivial to another. Nature is a master teacher, and it gives you solutions based on what works for you. It takes you on a customized journey of life that’s suitable only for you.
Mine came out of my family’s strange way of watching movies. In movie outings, we would first have dinner together as a family. Then, all three of us would walk into a multiplex. There, we would find two movies that had similar timings. One person would watch the film of their choice. The other would accompany my son to watch his age-appropriate movie.
Now that my son is grown up, things have become even weirder. Before COVID, all three of us watched three different films simultaneously! Typically, my husband picks offbeat cinema, and my son prefers action. I’m an animation nut. I love to watch responsibly-made animation movies (typically English).
It was the year 2019, and we were celebrating my birthday. So, in the theater, I got to watch the movie of my choice by myself. It was Frozen II. Don’t laugh! No one can stop us from being a child at heart.
That animation movie resonated deeply with me. Then, the song of protagonist Elsa’s self-discovery played:
In that, Elsa describes herself beautifully. She calls herself a fortress with cold secrets deep inside. During that song, I had an epiphany. I was like Elsa! Not that I had too many secrets or any cool powers (pun intended) like Elsa, but that was me – a fortress that would never let people near my deepest self.
Like Elsa, I was trying to find out why I was different? She went to help someone who was calling out to her. In the process, she had found herself. Finally, she gave up her family and kingdom for a cause. That was my journey too.
I had gone to Swami trying to help him spread his magical words to the world. I wanted to help the world, but I was beginning to find many things about myself in the process. After that discovery, that “Show Yourself” song kept flashing in my mind for hours.
That night, in my sleep, Nature gave me a “unique” birthday gift. A Sanskrit word popped up again!
Even though I was reading the scriptures in English, I had nothing to do with Sanskrit at that time. So, I didn’t realize why I kept getting these Sanskrit words in my dream. Now I know that Nature was prompting me to learn the language to read the scriptures better. Starting in Jan 2020, I’ve covered quite some ground with that language.
Anyway, the word that appeared was Ananya or Unique. Earlier, this same word had appeared during my Ashram trip in 2018. At that time, I hadn’t gotten its significance. This time, a Divine voice of my inner self said in my dream – You can’t find anyone like you because you are unique. You are searching for yourself.
I was craving solitude. It had taken me years to understand that. Like in that song from Frozen II, my Mother (the Divine Mother) had been calling out to me. Instead of forming a relationship with Her within, I was searching for myself in everyone outside. All I needed was an attitude change – Misfit is negative, but unique is positive! I’m still alone in a crowd but learning to be blissfully alone.
Even now, I go through this lonely feeling at times. My husband takes the brunt on those days! Still, a simple reminder puts me back on track. What reminder? Read it for yourself in this GuruToons Comic:
P.S: This post has also been published on my website.