I don’t know anything about anything. There’s no wisdom that I have to share with the world. I am unwise, over-emotional, unproductive and a big failure in everything.

I am going to turn 23 soon and I have no clue what I want to do with my life. I like some things, but I have never done anything consistently. I am deeply in the place of self-pity, self-hate and self-sabotaging. 

I can love other beings, but my love has never been reciprocated (for long durations). This says that it is even a selfish love. I have no friends- some I pushed away and some left me. I have a family, but I feel almost no connection with anyone. My mom is so nice though, she inspires me to be more compassionate to everyone around.

Till now, I thought that Love (read ‘romantic relationship’) is something which fulfils one, the most comforting feeling to anyone to have someone to share about how they feel and being understood. But NO, it is not! What if your partner turns out to be someone who doesn’t like sharing? And the most important, in this materialistic world- we have to EARN.. I have no clue about how to earn money (“failure failure failure” echoing in my head). What if your partner loves the idea of money and success more than he ever cared to love anyone else? Relationships are an alien concept to me. 

There have always been people in my life who have listened to me genuinely and helped me with my struggles. But how long are they going to help me? I had a thought to drop a message on the hotline of os.me, but how long my life guide’s gonna guide me? She has already helped me enough. I am a disappointment to her as well right? What audacity am I left with to again tell her about my woes and pains?

I never understood what’s wrong with me. I hardly like hanging out with people, I don’t like doing things that most people do. Moreover, I am not even doing things that I like to do. There are these absurd questions going all the time in my head which I know no answer of. Questions of the meaning of life, love, suffering, etc. Oh! I have read almost all of Swami’s books (now you know what a big failure’s words you are reading). You can just leave reading it here.

I have cried enough. Even to the extent when someone said “You get sad so frequently that I think, oh you be sad for 2 days more and I don’t wanna give my time to this.” I am very very clingy. I have been disrespected to the extent that I don’t even feel like respecting myself. I feel like I am such a miserable creature.

Today was the last day that I asked for help. I won’t ever! Specially to those who know me, who have seen me in this phase. I am ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of being so clingy for last 1.5yrs. I don’t want to blame anyone though. I just have my own mind, thoughts and emotions to blame. I always judged myself on the basis of how someone would be judging if I say and do so and so! I am pathetic.

I had a friend once. I thought we will always be best friends. She understood me like no one has ever done before. I miss her. But we are not friends anymore. She has helped me a lot as well to deal with my psychological things! 

My doctor has helped me a lot. I have only met her once, and it was a very beautiful experience. Seeing a woman so confident and compassionate. I don’t want to tell her about this. I think after all that she has done for me, I have even failed her.

I have so so many negative thoughts throughout the day. It was not always like this. I used to have emotional rides of extreme happiness and positivity too. But what good were they? I end up here always right? 

I am coming to understand the fact that maybe I will end up totally alone in this world. And honestly, I don’t mind it. It’s better to be alone rather than around people who make you feel lonely, who make you feel that you’re not good enough, happy enough and deserving enough. 

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Taahira Kisna

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