Thank you everyone for patiently reading through my scribbles and giving so much love and support in the comments. As I continue this journey towards nothingness, being an empty being, joyous and full of love ; I will write to engage my time with the lovely os.me family.
Part 4 begins (Lengthy):
My heart is full of love. I have been in love a few times and failed every time. I wouldn’t say it was a failure to understand the person, give them my love, hold theirs in my heart or build compatibility. It just did not work out, I learned my lessons and moved on. I am in this happy state now and do love my friends and family dearly. I have stopped seeking love outside. My definition of being in love is changing, I try to find the joy in loving people around me without expectations from them. I read so much about this all over the internet and then Swamiji’s posts too that we don’t need to fall in love, instead we should all rise in love. I still long for a relationship, but I am no longer running after somebody to fulfill a particular idea of love. The right person will just be here at the right time.
I have already tried all formulae suggested by my friends, they mocked me enough, teased me with every other person they could find as a suitable match. Lol, they made me try dating apps (uninstalled in 2 days) not my cuppa tea! There were opportunities but I am above the shallow and commercial idea of love and dating. Before one thinks that this is a cheeky post on dating, let me turn to my original thoughts.
I used to be hurt when the person I loved did not respond to me the way I loved them, everyone has a different idea of love and ways to express. I was always trying to be available and give in to their ideas, that did not make me happy. It is valid for non romantic relations as well. Close friends and peers too. After going through hurtful relations in life, making those promises of not loving anybody anymore or doing so much for any other person and yet still falling in the same trap; I realised (with the help of a very very dear friend of mine. I love her so much she is a wonderful being and so lovely) that I am the person who would love people around myself and I continue to do the same every other time. I realized, me loving somebody is not the problem, me setting an expectation which I do not agree upon is the cause of pain eventually. I would feel suffocated and out of time because I am trying to meet somebody’s expectations as I was too meek to express my disagreement in the first place. Such love is not empowering, it is toxic.
I never learned to see the red flags and realize that I have a voice, I can say No when I do not have the bandwidth to fulfill the expectations. God, I was leading this life of a puppet whose strings were being controlled by the emotions of the people around me. I found no happiness in dealing with such emotional turmoils every now and then. One relationship after another, I kept realizing that people just assume their rights over a person and play with someone’s emotions so easily. If they are going through something, it will affect their relation towards you while you were making yourself available to them sacrificing your own priorities. Ahh never make a person your priority in life, be stern with your basic principles in life. Nobody can push you beyond your set limits and if they do not understand boundaries and need for personal space, they are going to turn toxic eventually and things are going to fall apart.
While I believe in giving second chances and putting in those extra efforts one last time, I have come to realize to set the right expectations in a relationship from the start itself. Be it a new friend, colleague, roommate or peers, I want to ditch the sugar coating and clearly state what does not work for me and what are my boundaries. Though I have only started doing this recently, and many a times I find it against my nature to speak upfront of my desires and not saying yes to everything the other person is asking for, nevertheless I will try to stick to this. I want to be happy inside and not quietly keep suffering. I find the spiritual practices that I am learning day by day – very helpful in keeping my heart which is full of love, happy and healthy inside out. Let us hope this time around (treading this path of awareness and spirituality) my love reaches the heart of my beloved and it is a happy ending 🙂