Dearest Gurudev,

तुम्हारी आंच में मैं धीमे-धीमे पिघल रही हूँ | 
मेरे वजूद में जो गिरहें पड़ी थीं,
कुछ ढीली-सी पड़ने लगी हैं |

(Melting in your flames extremely slowly, the knots of my Existence have started to loosen up)

मैं आँख बंद कर खुद में डूब जाती हूँ
और अपनी काली,ठंडी, रिसती गहराइयों में भी तुम्हें पाती हूँ |
मेरे मन के उन अँधेरों का रास्ता कैसे मिला तुम्हें?
एक अरसे से तो वहाँ खुद मैं भी नहीं गयी!

(Closing my eyes, I drown into my own Being. Even in that dark, cold and damp depth of my innermost self, I find YOU! How did you find the way to those darkest corners of my heart? Even I myself have not visited those for an eternity now!)

किसी बौद्ध भिक्षु-से तुम
इस खंडहर-मन में मानो
आठो प्रहर कोई
जाना-पहचाना सा
मंत्र बुदबुदा रहे हो |
(At times, like a Buddhist Monk, you keep murmuring some Divine syllable throughout the 8 praharas inside the dilapidated ruins of my heart) 

कभी ढलती हुई शाम में तुम
किसी सूफी-से गुनगुना उठते हो
और मेरा खंडहर-मन सिन्दूरी हो जाता है |

(And at times, all of a sudden you start humming like some Sufi during the twilight and the ruins of my dilapidated heart turn crimson).

रात चढते ही मेरे पूरे वजूद पर
तुम कुछ यूँ हावी हो जाते हो,
मानो कोई तंत्र का साधक
अपनी साधना में रमा हो |

(As the night dawns, you dawn upon my entire existence with such a gravity as if some Sadhaka of Tantra is engulfed in his Divine Sadhna)

मुझमें कुछ मर-सा रहा है- ”मैं” है शायद |
और आहिस्ता से कुछ बढ़ भी रहा है |

(Because of You, gradually, something is dying inside me…may be it’s “I”. And gradually, something else is awakening inside (I am yet to realise what that is but I am guessing it has to be You because…)

मैं कुछ भी नहीं जो मैं ”तुम” नहीं |

(…this one thing I know for certain that I am Nobody and Nothing if I am not YOU).

——-x——-
I am Nobody and Nothing if I am not YOU. You are what my real self is sans all conditioning. You have so much to do, Prabhu. You gotta manage the entire cosmos, placing the constellations in their right positions. You have so much to do, making sure every bud blossoms on the right time and drops at the right time. You gotta maintain the flow of all the rivers and manage the timings of the day, night and the seasons. You literally have so much to do, Master, and yet you come running at the slightest call of every child! The issues of my life are so insignificant, Prabhu, and yet you never fail to tackle every single of my nonsensical problems with utmost patience. You were so right when you said, “Only unconditional Love can heal people.” Lord, it is Your love alone that has healed me. I will never ever cry again for these petty issues of my life. I have You. In You, I have my everything.

Love you, Naath! 

Your baby monkey 🙂
A letter to gurudev (गुरूदेव को ख़त) 1

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