I went for a fairly long walk today. I just returned.
Walking helps me assimilate my thoughts. It gives me insights about myself. Walking has been my companion across all emotions that I have undergone — it was there with me when I have been scared especially of the unknown, when I cried profusely when I felt I lost everything in life, when I felt deep anger within me when things didn’t pan out the way I intended it to be, when I felt deeply hurt and was betrayed by people close to me, when I had to take important decisions in my life among others. I have walked 6 kilometres today so I got enough time to assimilate my thoughts on a few things pricking me.
I have been consuming a lot of information in the last one month on this website. This seemed like a spiritual ocean of sorts. I did not know something of this kind could exist. Only Gurudev can come up with something like this! What happens when you like Biriyani (vegetarian of course!), you end up eating a lot of it. What happens when you eat moderately? You enjoy it. You feel the taste. Remember how Gurudev said chew your food and eat as slowly as you can so that you can savour the food. On the other hand, what happens when you eat a whole lot of it? Much more than you should or perhaps much more than your stomach can handle. You end up feeling bloated. You feel uneasy. You may want to puke. Basically, the result does not end up being good.
As much as it is important to engage in satsang and have good people around — it is important to have a relationship with oneself too. I notice that I have spent an average of 12 hours everyday for more than a month on this website. I have read and read and read. Reading though good— especially in the area of spirituality, it ends up putting you in a fix if one reads way too much without being able to completely formulate a manner to inculcate and imbibe all of that. I started writing after 6 months of joining the community and after having read at least for 180 hours.
I feel crowded now. I am not someone who can easily speak about her thoughts. I don’t enjoy speaking about myself. I can speak about economy, politics, law, diplomacy, religion, psychology etc. but find it very difficult to convey my innermost thoughts to anyone.
I want to take a break from investing my complete energy on just reading here. I wish to go back to my solitude self and just connect with myself. Focus on some aspects of my life, so that I am able to appreciate things better. I have no right to contribute on this website if it does not add value to anyone’s life. There are so many wonderful writers here. My presence or absence would not matter. I especially enjoyed reading about spiritual experiences, Sadhana, solitude, discipline as these are my favourite areas. But these are also areas which I need to work on in my life. Therefore, I didn’t want to vanish all of a sudden without informing. I developed a great bond with some wonderful devotees and disciples. I will share my email id on my profile. If any of you need to reach me for anything, please feel free to do so.
Love & Gratitude always,