Jai Shri Hari and sastang pranam Swamiji. Continuing this mini-series further (Part1-here, Part2-here), this time I will focus on the transformation which took place subsequently. My Guru maa asked to join this group of kind and divine souls who would unconditionally support me once I pour my heart out. I became a member and poured my heart out in the blog named “Will this depression kill me?” on 24th Nov 2020. The overwhelming response which I received was just amazing. Once again, I bow before all of you divine souls. I was given a lot of practical suggestion by the kind group members.
I wrote to my Life Guide Vrinda maa. She also advised me to pray and offer gratitude to the Universe for what I have been bestowed up on. I was not able to identify my blessings. I was only counting the problems. I started practicing meditation for small duration. I tried to follow a routine. Even if the mind resisted, I would get up in the morning, take bath, do puja. I started with Hanuman Chalisa as suggested by Pankaj OM ji. For 10 to 15 days, there was not much effect. But you cannot expect instant results in such cases. There is no quick fix to this kind of problem. One needs to have immense patience.
I started helping the needy ones in my own capacity. I started with our maid. I purchased books for her daughter. Then in the office, I helped one of the daily wage workers and laid a hand to procure books and other study materials for his children. The joy of giving and helping fellow human being, slowly showed its result. Though I was still dim, my tunnel vision was slowly getting improved. I could see some silver lining in the dark clouds.
I must give credit to my family members as well as office staff for making me feel comfortable. Slowly I tried to reduce the typical anti-depressant medicines. I completely surrendered myself at the lotus feet of Swamiji. I told Swamiji in my mind “I am surrendering at your lotus feet, now please take control of me and my emotions along with my family.” I read the book ‘A Prayer that never fails” by Vrinda maa. I kept the book under my pillow and tried to sleep thinking of Swamiji. Slowly a kind of devotion popped up inside me. Though I used to listen to Swamiji previously, this time I started the same with a totally different approach and faith.
I idolized him as my role model. The grace and poise of Swamiji started melting me. The initial bhaktiless routine Puja, turned into my second nature. The ingredient of Bhakti was now slowly getting added to it. I started doing Prithvi Puja of feminine energy as per Swamiji’s video discourse. I took up Gayatri mantra chanting along with Maha Mrityunjaya Mantra. I am a Shiv devotee from childhood and I concentrated more on Lord Shiva. This constituted a strong morning ritual for me. In short, I tried to increase my spiritual inclination and spiritual bank balance 😉, because in such cases this is the most important asset / support one can rely upon. Yesterday, I was watching a video of Swami Mukundananda ji where he presented a statistic that most of his you tube channel viewer are in between the age of 18 to 24 years. So, spirituality is the path to salvation and not spirit 😉!
Complete surrender at a divine power with full devotion combined by this strong morning ritual and sleep-time rituals slowly started the change of the course. The low phase was slowly decaying as Swamiji’s grace was starting to flow and I prepared myself to receive the same. My health condition started improving. I started feeling usual hunger. I started eating like Bakasura 😉 to make up for all the loss of apatite. But all these things did not happen miraculously overnight. Swamiji himself has told that if one does not try to pick oneself up, no force on earth can break the inertia to lift you.
I started doing very small acts of kindness like offering lift to somebody waiting at the side of street on my way to office. Whenever I saw any aged person trying to cross the road, I stopped my vehicle, helped them cross over safely and then continued my journey. Please try this, it will give you immense satisfaction, I guarantee. I prominently started using the word ‘Thank You’ in a mindful way, not just superficially for any small work of mine undertaken by others. May it be our helper filling my water bottle or the man who cleans the office toilet. Even to the petrol filling station boy who filled petrol in my vehicle.
The more you interact the people of lower strata in a friendly way, a sense of fulfilment will be experienced by you. Every time while eating some tiffin in tiffin shop, I started feeding some stranger and my god, it was just mind blowing!!! I still continue the practice. Another practice which I took up is touching the feet of elderly people who I meet. This automatically generates their blessings.
I started wishing ‘good morning’ to my office colleagues, juniors and seniors even if they belonged to different divisions. I slowly started focusing on my work at hand. I did not directly attempt hi-fi stuffs. Just simple stuffs in association with my junior colleague Manish about whom I have mentioned in my previous posts. Manish used to ask me some simple questions. Stumbling and stammering I used to reply them. In such process I started opening up myself. The sense of ‘not up to mark’ was slowly waning like radioactive decay (again a technical term, kya karoon, control hi nahin honda 😉)
Back at home, slowly I tried to help Sanghamitra in the household work as I used to do previously. I took up the charge to teach Sahil, involve with him in playful activity. It kindled some sense of satisfaction. Sanghamitra started to have a sigh of relief. My beloved garden was completely in ruins as I was the main curator. I started removing the dead plants and replaced them with new ones. I started watering plants daily. The plants in tatter started responding. They came up with fresh green leaves and in a period of one and half month. Birds started revisiting and this time they were gen-2 birds. In my dormant period, the birds have nested and produced off-springs (I will write a separate blog how they are welcoming me whenever I am reaching home back from office). Now the lush green garden is back in its full glory with chirping of humming birds, bulbul, bee-eaters and some other small birds.
From that point onwards, I never looked back. Whenever, I got negative thought or down feeling, I would remember Swamiji’s graceful face and I am in his sharan. That would lift my spirit and the mostly negative thought process very slowly started towards some positive thoughts. Things started taking positive turn. I crawled back to my work spirit at both office front and home front. Life sprouted again inside me. A kind of re-birth took place. Once more I am re-iterating, the process was extremely slow and not the out put of any instant karma.
PS: In the next post I will start the analysis part of my epic fall, because it is the vital thing which will unravel very subtle signs of an impeding non-clinical depression bout.
To be continued….