Sastang dandavat at your lotus feet Swamiji.

As the month of July, 2020 approached, I was not in the best of my mental health and things went on deteriorating very fast as days passed by. By end September, around the birthday of our elder son Sahil, I was no more me. I was struggling to find reasons to stay alive and afloat. It was appearing a dead end for me, a tunnel with infinite darkness. Just think about the condition of my better half – Sanghamitra. What she would have been going through. She had more reasons to be worried for me than once she was for Sahil to leave him alone in our house during COVID-19 lockdown time. This post is dedicated to the woman, the friend, the wife, the care giver Sanghamitra who stood as a rock by my side even when things around her were crumbling like a deck of cards. This is a post of gratitude to her.

My low phase started slowly, but spiraled out of control very fast in the latter part of 2020. I was not in a state to think anything clearly. Such was the intensity of the mental storm, the piece of my heart, Sahil, also became estranged to me (I distanced away myself from him, though he never deserted me). My parents were also very much worried. But the single person who withstood all the storm that was brewing and enraging around me was my wife. I do not know how she showed the courage that she showed during the desperate time.

Yes, she used to lose her composure, but would regain the same after a little while. Everyday she used to explain me a lot hoping that things would change slowly from the next day. But I would dig even deeper into my shell. But, still she never lost confidence in me. For the sake of argument, she is headstrong, financially independent (as a banker). She had no reason to get clung to this highly unstable partner for a period of nearly six long months. Yes, it seems that it was just six months, but you can realize the harsh reality if you ask any care giver for a person going through the phase I was in how each single day feels like.

When divorces are being filed left and right for petty reasons like watching favourite TV series, why would one bother to be with someone who has gone terribly out of course with showing little signs of recovery and the treating doctor was also not sure about what to prescribe. But still she imposed indomitable faith in me. She used to cry, but the next moment would spring up to cheer me up trying to instil the confidence of better days ahead for us.

She became a mother to me. As a mother takes care of a baby, she used to take care of me including feeding me with her hands. Can you imagine the pain she was going through when she was deprived of the regular talks of an adult partner? Can you imagine her pain when the doctor told her to never leave me alone / unattended, keep me away from knives? She hid the knives, her long dupattas, bathing towels etc. to make things difficult for me to attempt any self-harming mis adventure. Life gets torn apart under such circumstances. Contrary to that, she showed the resolve of a monk (may be that is why she could touch Swamiji not once, but twice during our personal meeting at the Ashram).

She used to cook different recipes to lift up my somber mood hoping for some miracle which never happened overnight. As I am fond of non-vegetarian food but was feeling afraid to even go to shop, she ordered non-veg item from an on-line service provider. Despite going through hell, she had a smile on her face and attended bank without much offs. Her colleagues also could not identify what she was going through, such degree of composure she could maintain even in the face of severe challenge with life falling apart.  

I want to express my thanks and gratitude for

  1. for loving me unconditionally irrespective of who I am.
  2. for bearing with me during several stretches of my low phase.
  3. being so understanding, co-operative, resourceful.
  4. for all those pain taken by you for gifting me two amazing kids (Sahil and Samil) and pouring your heart and soul to raise them and prepare them for life.
  5. for doing all the household chores which I have taken for granted.
  6. for thinking and dreaming for our future.
  7. for all the unconditional support you have provided in numerous occasions
  8. for always being there to listen to me and talk to me
  9. for inspiring me to walk the extra mile
  10. for everything you are and you have been doing for our family.
  11. for all those improvised cooking you are trying for our relishing.
  12. for maintaining all the social relation fabrics.
  13. for enlightening about the importance of a good relationship.
  14. for making the house ‘home’.
  15. for being my life partner.

The list will go on unending. This is not an appeasement letter. This is the truth, our truth. I can proudly announce that I could not have asked for more from my wife. I admit that I fell short of conveying my love and respect to her in explicit manner, but nonetheless, I know deep within that I cannot live without her partnership. She completes me. Even if any type of short-term difference gets created between us, she always emphasizes that the same should not propagate to our offspring. And we have successfully resolved many a instances of such differences in the past just by talking to each other. This is the importance of keeping the channel of communication open even if in the times of differences. This single most important thing makes life way too easy to handle and maintains a transparent relationship between us. 

Do you also have anything similar to say about your partner? Please let me know in the comments section. No not required, just convey the same to your partner and then just watch the magic of a spark in your relationship unfold before you.