In my last visit to ashram, the ashram was quite but the winds blew like a woman swirls and sways in Love of Her eternal beloved. I delivered the work I had gone for and finishing all the formalities and my feet directed themselves towards the temple. Like a maiden under spell.. I ran to Him. Swami Vidyananda was offering Lalita Sahsranam to the Vigraha in which Lord is seated as Masculine and Feminine principle. Luckily the space just before him was vacant. Moment I opened the closed door of the temple my hands went extraordinarily meditative and careful as if I was entering the personal space of the Divine. Many times I had envisaged being in the temple as it had been very long time since I saw bhagwaan visualizing was the only way to experience Bhagwaan as we do in ashram. When I envisaged myself being in the temple in my visualization of it. I could not put my feet on the Divine red carpet placed in the temple premises. I would kneel down on the door after touching with my hands to the temple mat. Exactly what I did on my last visit. Taking few steps on my knees, I got up I sat there right in front of Bhagwaan… To cover the distance between the temple door and reach in front of Bhagwaan vigraha felt like forever! My eyes wide open drinking His Form His Face. All through those odd 60 minutes I looked one pointed at bhagwaan as if a hungry one laid her eyes on the meal after months…. All through this I was asking him sorry to look at him with such intensity which could be hurting His face. I tried to shrink the wide open eyes but to no avail. Does not that happens when someone looks at you with intense emotion in their eyes, you feel it. It is not a distant thing anymore! A look can say and make you feel million words and million emotions. My eyes meeting Lord’s face and the piled up yearning all that made for this – the chants of sacred Lalita Sahsranama seem to have taken a backdrop place in those moment. But Swami Vidyananad’s established, firm and experienced voice with a depth of a kind that moves one’s heart and helps one settle in divine sentiment seem to be communicating to the temple and it’s atmosphere and me. And this time Swami ji voice has kind of effortless in chanting thousands names of Mother Divine unlike when I heard it last time or when I hear Swami ji on soundcloud here. Really it was as if He chanted effortlessly. During those 60 minutes, sat unblinking, even during the time when Raghu Swami ji drew sanctum sanctorum curtains for few minutes before Sri Hari Aarti I sat there glued yet unblinking!
The next day of my return when I went to temple I was hoping to spend some time with bhagwaan alone so that I could sit with Bhagwaan before leaving and probably sing to him if my throat did not chock again and my eyes didn’t stick to His form like a child sees and cling to his father’s feet after He arrives from work in the evening. Sadhvi Vrinda ji sat there singing, she was the only one there and it was only few minutes that she left the temple premises after I had come… Oh I wished I did not ask Bhagwaan to allow few moments alone with him as She sung sweetly. As she left I was again engulfed in that silence so much so I did not care I had to leave else the emotion of leaving would sully the moment of meeting! How greedy was that! I said to self when I am moving out then I shall live the moment of viraha/separation. Silly that was. I felt my greediness for Bhagwaan I was not proud of it. So much so I had barely spent time sitting next to Swami ji’s asana/ seat/His Divine padukas. And somehow I ended up sitting with Swami ji’s asana for over 40 minutes on that day. Moment of mediation with thoughts and flashes of Swami ji. 40 minutes past by like 5 minutes. I was thinking of saying a goodbye before leaving and that is what precisely I could not do as I moved out!!! It was as if I was to return for evening aarti again 😅
I tried but I could not sing to Him! Silence engulfed my meeting with Him. It was silence and just silence. And what transpired in that Silence. Experience that for yourself all the sweet ones reading… As I write this I feel same silence/alertness/weakness in the knees (that makes on bow down).
When I sat before bhagwaan this line flashed in my thoughts many time – Maun mein Milan (Meeting in Silence) I was bit hesitant to take those words on me literally ( and hence did not title thos post in those words literally) but that was the ONLY thought that found it’s way in my consciousness in that silence meet. I again want to apologize to Bhagwaan for seeing him so fervently if that caused any displeasure. Thank you for allowing me to see you. 🌷😌🙏
Hari Narayan 😇