The wind is blowing softly, but mightily enough perhaps to blow out a flickering candle. There is no frost on the edges of the road but the air is enveloped in an obvious chill. A pleasant chill not yet at its peak to bite from under the seams. I am walking along, trying to keep up a rhythm with the sound of my boots falling heavily in the silence. The greenery is stretching out on either side of the gravel, making me feel tender, growing greener still in spite of the denser fog at each step.
But the green feels too green as the mist hides the truth of the fungus breeding among the flower. And suddenly, the wave within me falls.
Fear is beginning to spread inside and out- if I swallow happiness now, the plague that is neutrality is inevitable to escape. The fear of numbness is making me numb and the tips of my fingers are falling dead mimicking the leaves below.
I am a fever traversing the chilly breeze. My breath is hastily dancing with the dew, marrying it in the white altar of shadows. The clock is whispering day only to my pulse, I belong to the setting sky. In a moment, my boots grow lighter. I am walking on the clouds with no sound nor sign of existence. I am thumping, desperate to be heard, to be seen. But I have sunk to my knees beneath the clouds and into the ground to where I come from. All meaning evades, lying only in silence.
I am in need of myself right now more than I am in need of another, more than I have ever been in need. I am looking upon my hands, half-hoping for the blood to have dried but it is gushing out of my chest like the comfortable lie rotting inside.
I am still glancing over my shoulder, hoping for a silhouette to materialize in the heaviness of my heart. It is thumping harder than I, only to be heard by one. “I am alone, not lonely,” I repeat, but words are mere sounds, floating before me as real as the mist carrying them. I am massaging my temples to roll out the vision of another, the hope of a man I let myself be so dependent on that around me lies the world I find no solace in. That in him lies my world I seek so aimlessly.
I open my eyes to dripping palms. My lover melts and with him, I do too. I feel like I could be a candle.
This is by my daughter Viveka