Namaste and Jai Sri Hari to all my fellow Devotes, and to Sadhvi Vrinda Omji ( Who I am referring to as Ma below),
I wrote this letter for SadhviJi but did not have her mail Id to send to. Tried posting it in the questions section under life guides but was way beyond the word limit. So here it is 🙂 Hope she finds this post and reads it 🙂 and for all of you, may be you see yourself in me and relate.
I’m much like that stalker who knows almost everything to be known about you, while never really being able to muster the courage to come forth. Or more apt in my case, have anything worthwhile to bring to your gracious presence.
I’ve read every single book that you’ve written about Swamiji, seen all the Ashram event pictures a million times over and watched every single video of his (countless times, have my two cents of contribution to the views 😄). I even visited the Ashram last month and saw you. You were having your breakfast seated at corner most table to the right near the windows. I wanted to walk upto you so much, but couldn’t think of anything intelligent to say. For one, I am and will be forever grateful to you for bringing to us such vivid stories of our Swamiji, it’s the closest I can get to living those moments.
Your own life is no less than awe-inspiring, the sheer turn of circumstances, your truthfulness in sharing your inner struggles with us and the fact that Swamiji saw in you that which made him shower you with such immense grace, makes me want to exchange places 🙂
Now OfCourse, I understand when it’s your time it’s your time and you were ready. But interestingly, 2012-2013 is when even I was been tossed around by life and having been a spiritual aspirant for long, I was almost certain to dedicate myself full time to walk the journey within and for seva. I could have, I had no bindings no one to hold me back, but I did not.
I got to know about Swamiji around the same time. His videos and later his memoire served as soothing balm to my extremely tattered emotional state, but here’s the difference, it was not my time 🙂 yet. I did not write to him, get in touch with him, or may be he had not called me yet. So I went on with life and continued with my inner seeking trying to find answers on my own. Again, the difference is that I did not get onto the boat, which you did. I was still walking the shores.
It took me several years to realize that the more I know, the more I did not know. I may have read and attempted to understand our scriptures, meditated, done kriyas, but did anything really change in me? I doubt. I knew now I needed Kripa, I needed a guide a Guru who I can put my hands up infront of, and bow my head down and surrender. I started praying day and night for the universe to show me the face of my Guru, and I did see. It was not a new face, but the same face of my Om Swami that I had revered for so many years, in a new light; as my Guru. I cried and cried tears of joy on this revelation and the rest will and is unfolding by his divine grace.
If you have read through so far, you may be wondering what the point is behind my ramblings and why I address them to you. Well one, coz your books have helped me know my Guru better and brought me closer to him. And for that I’ll always be in debt.
And secondly in my childish and futile attempt at reasoning with life’s events, I feel like I was at a similar place in my life as you during which we both got to know of Swamiji, but you wrote to him, pursued, and joined the flame. I did not, I kept experiencing the warmth of that flame from a distance, wishing and wanting to get closer never the less.
Hence I see in you the possibility of what I could have been had I taken those steps. Though I am fulfilling my Dharma where I am and happily so, with an understanding that each of us have our own stories and truth to live. But what’s life without a few dreams of possibilities ( missed in my case) 🙂
So, long story short I feel like I know you Ma, and have a LOT that that I am thankful to you for. I look upto you for your courage and surrender and for that, that Swamiji sees in you.
BTW, I have a beautiful black Lab, ‘Kuro’ just like ‘Benno’ and the poem you wrote in dedication, ‘The Departed’ breaks my heart. I don’t want to imagine how you dealt with Benno’s passing and know that such a day will come for me too. But I will then think of you and know if you could so will I. Attaching a picture of Kuro for you.
I pray you love and accept me as part of your and Swamiji’s loving family and allow me to serve and stay close. If there’s any seva you think befits me, I promise I’ll be a call/message away. Lots and lots of love and respect