This is the first time I am writing on any platform, it’s because of Swami Ji’s grace I got this strength to open up to the world. As Swami Ji says, we only see and like to stay in our problems and they become a world for us. Where there are people in the world who are suffering from bigger issues we become like a horse wearing eye blinders.
Are Marriages really made in heaven? This is the biggest question which I still wonder about!
Maybe this can be a little longer post, so please bear with me, I hope it might connect with some of the beautiful souls out there and let them know that all is not lost when you think everything is and that there is absolutely no way out.
I have been recently divorced and came out of 6 years of marriage. Mine was a love marriage, and I always used to think about where did all the love go after my marriage. Was it the same person or someone else who I had known for years before I got married? I had no idea of spirituality at that point in my life. Making others happy, expecting and attaching to others were the only things which blogged my mind and this seemed the actual world to me.
I have always been an introvert, but I had no guts to accept it, I tried really hard at parties and in clubs to gel with people because I had a fear of being judged by my friends, people did judge me for it, and it was really mind tiring for me, as if what else I could do so that people don’t judge me , no matter how hard I tried to mix I was always out of conversation. My ex-partner was the total opposite, so I just use to slide away during parties, at times, go and sit in the toilet, where I found peace.
I was trying to make my ex-partner happy at all times, compromising on my ethics and slowly with time, I no longer knew who I was, I had so much fear of being judged that people said “he has low self-esteem “.
I am a marine engineer, my profession demands me to stay three months on the ship away from home, countless nights have gone by when I used to be on board, just thinking and being worried, is everything ok? How can I make her happier? What else can I do for her from here? , I was trying to earn her.
The shock of my life was when I got to know about an extramarital affair, I was devastated, but I dint want my marriage to break, I kept on dragging it for the coming years, expecting a change, buying the best designer bags, going to vacations and what not! Why all this? Just to get validation from the world. But could I earn her back? No, I could not.
2018 I visited a city called Datia (in Madhya Pradesh), where Mother divine in her 8th form (out of the ten mahavidya’s), Maa Pitambara (also called Maa Baglamukhi), settled there. When I saw her for the first time, it was love at first sight, something in me just shifted, I just wanted to be with her, know her who she was, my emotions went haywire, and here I was, standing just in front of her, with her ever forgiving and compassionate eyes when she looked at me without judging me, it was just true love, and I could not control myself.
Once back home, I kept searching everywhere to know what was it that happened to me, I didn’t know that slowly I would progress and get absorbed in the world of spirituality. I couldn’t wait for long, once back from the ship, I would go back to Datia to get her darshan, I dint know when with time, I had picked up reciting mantras, reading Durga Sapthashati (when actually I had Sanskrit only until 8th standard in school) , how all this was coming about, I had absolutely no idea!
But all this came with a huge price for me, my ex-partner wouldn’t tolerate me doing all this, I was not interested anymore in going to pubs/clubs or partying, trying for validation from the outside world, I just wanted to be with mother divine, I did set up an altar at my home, and I would sit and look at her picture recite her mantras and her 108 names.
Things got really tense, and I wanted to get rid of the toxicity in my relationship, which I couldn’t tolerate anymore. In November 2019, I filed for divorce as clearly we didn’t want to continue the relationship further, I had no idea what was waiting for me in the next coming three years!
I was slapped back a number of false cases against my family and me, from dowry charges to domestic violence (and many others which are not worthy of mentioning on this platform). I thought it was just two different people who didn’t want to continue the relationship any further but suddenly, I had criminal cases against me, all this broke me emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. Society had already turned its back towards me, as everything proceeded each day was a challenge, right from going to the police station to courtrooms. I asked my lawyer, “I had known her (ex-wife) for years why all these false charges are being framed?” He said, Sir, welcome to the world of matrimonial cases. All these are being done to extort maximum money from you.” I was devastated. For the next three years, all the cases kept going on, I did tell my ex-wife I didn’t have the financial credibility for the amount she was asking to take back all the cases. In India, there are absolutely no laws to protect the husband against any of such cases.
I was devastated, but I never left Mother divine, that is when in 2019, I came across Swami Ji’s videos on YouTube and read all his books, I just wanted to know why all this was happening to me. I found peace when I used to see him and read his books, my attachment with Mother divine grew so strong in the coming years that she became my source of strength.
Early 2022 , when I was back from the ship after finishing my duty tour, I really wanted to visit the Aashram, but for some reason, it couldn’t materialise. I had to join back in July 2022. I read all books by Sadhvi Vrinda. This time I was determined to visit the Aashram. Fortunately, I got a chance to visit the ashram in November and attended the discourse. It was Swami Ji’s calling that I got an opportunity to meet him, and that experience was heavenly, I will be short of words if I try to explain that!
Well, life teaches us a lot and can be quite harsh sometimes. When we are clouded with negativity, and there seems no way out, what you can do is only surrender!
After all this, do I hold anything against my ex-partner, NO! Absolutely NOT! Somewhere, it was my prarabdh which I had to bear in this life, and I did, but I am thankful that all the pain got me to Swami Ji’s lotus feet.
As Swami Ji says, ‘Be compassionate, be kind, be truthful and empathise!’ I am trying to improve each day, inculcating each of the virtues in my life.
In Swami Ji’s grand scheme of vision of making the world a better place to live, I hope that by his grace, even if I could contribute 1%, I would consider this life fruitful.
At his lotus feet forever, a true servant.
My sincere pranams.