I am feeling very anxious, ever since I visited the store again. I think the parking lot reminded me of the previous day. Or it’s just Mocha latte, the cold weather, the long car ride and stepping in and out heated surroundings. Any which way I think I can’t go to that store without being conscious for a long time. It was not even in my mind but just going there again in mere 15 hours span made my heart race, me short of breath, over all anxious. Maybe it’s the sinking feeling of boarding the flight tomorrow and finishing up the packing, maybe. I am not able to think of the joy of going home after so long. I am happy indeed but I am okay with it, talk about being mature and all adult. It’s a sham. My mind and heart is not calm and fortunately I am blocking what’s waiting for me in the next couple months so easily.

What’s waiting is the joy and merry of the season. A beautiful winter and lovely time with my loved ones. I don’t want to be this unaffected by the love that they will shower on me. Why do I feel like I’m shutting my heart? It’s out of my reach now, if anything I will be forcing it to be as excited and cheerful. I will just try to center my self and let everything flow. I will be happy when I feel and sad when it hits, but no anticipation, no forcing myself and no faking my emotions. Coz I feel nothing. I just feel my awareness about things happening around me has heightened and I can no more enjoy being in it. I can only react to what is happening to me but can’t actively move forward. It’s not sadness, it’s not happiness; it is just heightened heart beats and wide open eyes, alert and aware; way too much.

Walking in those aisles I felt like I will throw up any moment, the heart was racing so much. Even now I can feel the anxious heartbeats and the pressure. The whole house is a mess, last minute things. Lying in my roommate’s bed, needed a place which didn’t make me feel claustrophobic. This is not the usual me, this is not normal either but I know something’s not right and I am trying to keep calm. Asked for a hug but could hear the heart throbbing while my roommate tried to lighten me up. Such beautiful souls around, why doesn’t time just stand still and I overcome  this overwhelming feeling.

Caffeine does it, should steer clear of coffee for the next few months. Hot chocolate is the way to go, coz tis the season to be warm albeit wary.

Happy Gurunanak Jayanti 🙏🏼💕

Pic: In a gift shop in a fancy little town where we went for breakfast today, yeah the coffee place. 

Much Peace and Love.