Pranam Swamiji at your feet.
When many people remark that we (I and Biswa) are perfect together being happily married, that makes me really happy. But a happy picture is not a permanent state of life. Hey, do not jump to the conclusion that we are parting ways 😉 or I am going to vomit all my frustration against Biswa in this post 😉. Just be patient and read on.
When my friends, colleagues tell me that they can not connect with their partner, that time I simply tell them,” You know I have been there for Biswa and so he has been.” Two people can not be there for each other throughout in each and every situation. It is just not possible. But that does not mean they are incompatible.
Our notion of marriage has been ruined by the Bollywood and high-class celebs’ projections. The problem most of the time is high ambitions, ego clashes, better among the equals race and an array of other issues. In my opinion, it is not years of hard work that builds a relationship, rather it is those little efforts you make every day. An important parameter to get along with your partner is to strike a balance and be at love and peace with your own self first.
Now chew the bullet – it is absolutely OK, if you can not connect to your partner at times. Afterall, you both are different individuals born and brought up in different conditions in different environments with different set of values. When we are not compatible with our siblings sometimes even though we are born from the same parents and brought up in the same environment with same ideology, how can two partners be cent percent compatible? So, what’s important is do not focus on things which you are not compatible. Try shifting your focus on the other side of the coin.
These 12 years of marriage and 9 years of parenthood make me realize that a relationship can not be 50-50 all the times. Every relationship goes through its ups and downs and what matters is equality and fair play in relationship. Some times the partnership is 0-100. Even sometimes it may go to negative for one partner. At that time of crises, the other partner has to put the foot on gas to play a cameo to bring the other partner back on track (as in our case, from Aug, 2020 to Nov 2020, Biswa slipped to -50 percent from 50 percent. The net deficit was a hooping 100 percent decline in partnership).
I do agree that it was very difficult to handle such a situation, especially if it prolongs for a long period. But it is worth investing as the recovery will be a magnificent one. At the end of the day what matters is you want to make the relationship work.
When two people meet each other for the first time, there is a whole new world to explore. With time, all the goodie-goodie talks slowly converge into bills, babies, responsibilities, liabilities etc. As responsibilities slowly take over, couples forget to do anything which is refreshing and generates fun. The reason why a lot of couples feel like their marriage is over after the birth of child is not because of the lack of time, intimacy or division of home chores rather it is the frustration and undealt emotions. They flow like deep oceanic under current which can drag a relationship to its grave.
We have our own idea of how a relationship is supposed to be – sometimes based on what others are doing. And when the partner does not match up to the expected level of performance, there stems disappointment. A disappointment which can easily be dealt with, but has a very dangerous effect of snow balling into a full-scale disaster due to miscommunications, misunderstandings and various other parameters.
With my limited knowledge, I would like to suggest some fixes for the above-mentioned problem
1. Have realistic expectations from each other as partners. Your partner may not be a Super Man or Wonder Woman wearing the undies on the clothing 😉.
2. Learn to effectively communicate with your partner not holding any kind of toxic thoughts against the other one. The more time it stays inside, the more pressure it will create leading to a complete blow off causing a point of no return.
3. Being said the above point, be a good listener also. Do not just make a grunting sound of hmmm like your on-line corporate meetings 😉, rather pay attention to details. It even helps to take a short note of the main points. Believe me, it really helps to resolve issues faster.
4. You do not always have to be loud and aggressive to make your point. It can be done in a softer manner also which can be long lasting. Louder becomes powder while softer becomes stronger 😉.
5. Practise affirmations together as a couple rather than individual beings. Dream together and give the other one sufficient room in your dream.
6. Do more activities together – walking, music, painting, travelling etc. to name a few.
7. Show your spouse that you appreciate them. That you notice their efforts and that you do not take them for granted. Acknowledge their importance in your life. Yes, all these can be done without becoming a Zoru ka Ghulam or to cash on the On-Line sales (for ladies) 😉.
8. Like we-time, also allow your partner me-time to reflect, realize, rejuvenate with himself / herself.
9. Do respect the opinion of each other. Yes, you may be right in your own opinion, but remember as a Math problem can be solved in different ways, the same opinion can be validated in different ways and sometimes in very strange manners.
10. The grass may always appear greener on the other side on the social media. But the magic happens when you water your own grass. Love what you have, cherish what you have and value what you have. A lip locking couple on social media may be locking horn with each other, who knows 😉?
If the learned os.me family members have any other suggestions, please do write in the comments section.
Thank you all for your valuable time and patience to go through the post. Jai Shri Hari…