We are at a ice cram parlour and you get a customised ice cream for me with lots of choclate pieces and a bit of strawberries…

We are eating ice cream and suddenly the monsters turn up…..They try to take me away and you rush behind us.

I am crying while going and you follow us and ask them to stop,

You call out my name and ask us to stop, to not got.

You try to hold my hand but the monsters are stronger and they snatch me from you.

You are becoming as helpless as and me and we see the world crumbling in front of our eyes.

You find me sitting at the tree sobbing and hug me tightly, kiss me multiple times and let me cry in you arms.

I ask you to go away because I can’t tell you that those monsters were mine.

But you don’t…you stay there with me, not asking anything just stay there holding me close to you heart and I cry while you caress my hair and my back slowly. Those monsters were my own thought that tell me I have no right to be happy, those monsters that tell me that you are not good enough and casually jibe that you don’t deserve love, you don’t deserve happiness

And sometimes I do have the courage to fight with them and I do confront them but there are days when I want to let go of everything……even myself.

Because I am in the battle and I can’t identify who my enemy is.

On these days what feels the best and most peaceful thing is to sleep for eternity.

Like few days back, when I researched for the ways to die peacefully.

Earlier it was just a thought but now I have started thinking about it and am making plans to it in a very peaceful way

But that’s the thing that I do I am afraid, I am a coward but that’s my strength may be I am not a coward I am a person who has made a lot of mistakes in her life but still wants to live.

But today when you came running behind me and found me, kissed me and didn’t want to let me go, I felt hope after a long time when your hot breathe fell on my neck while you hugged me. I felt that I am precious, you made me feel that I am yours and you can’t let a part of you seperate from yourself. At the same time I also felt my own breathe and realised that I am alive and I am safe.

Despite you trying your best, the monsters did take me away but this time things were different.

The part of you that has stayed with me and have become a part of mine gives me courage.

Courage to stand up and defend myself against those monsters,

The courage and hope that it doesn’t have to be this way always.

The courage to think clearly and value myself,

The courage to confront those monsters and looking at them in the eye.

The courage to change my own perception,

The courage to accept myself the way I am,

The courage to accept your love and to accept my love for my own-self.

The courage to love and be loved.

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Nichole

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