I have always been a shy girl. I would shy away whenever I had to get my photo clicked, I was too shy to come in front of the guests or relatives that would visit our house. One such instance I remember is once I went to my friend’s house who lived in a neighbourhood and on that day, some uninvited guests came to their house and because she went to the other room to attend them, I waited for her for 2 hours in that room because I was too shy to go and call her in front of their guests. Being shy and introverted are two different things, but I was both of these.
Maybe because of my introverted nature I was always inclined to the activities that would lead me to more me time and less socialization. That’s why I think I always loved Art, gardening, dancing, meditating, and music. But ever since I left the thought of pursuing painting as a career and went for admission as a Law student, something died within me or maybe I just think that so. It was a sharp turn that I took in my life, why did I do it? What did I do? Well, I don’t have answers to these questions yet because I myself never understood my intentions behind this step, maybe a misstep or maybe a destiny. Couldn’t sort it out.
So the first year was too hard for me in law school, even the second was almost the same but the first was torturous. I will write about it some other day in detail, for today’s article it is enough to know that I couldn’t blend with my classmates, maybe because I had some other issues going on in my life, maybe I left painting and joined something which was totally opposite of my nature or maybe I was not too sorted out by myself at that time. Because the best eligibility test of your calm mind is to put it under those situations in which it is not trained to be, if it remains calm and you tolerate it then I think you are a calm person in a real sense but if you can’t then there’s a lot of work to do. And I accept that although my friends call me a calm person, deep inside I know I have my own challenges to go through, so I’m not a calm person in any way.
I would sometimes cry, sometimes I would leave the lectures and come back home early, sometimes I would just take my sketching book along with me and draw during the break times when all of my classmates would be hanging out in groups. I would think I m a misfit and for justifying all these feelings, my old school friends would tell me that I have made a blunder mistake by leaving painting, one of my friends would even say that you have left the love of your life and married a wrong career and now you will be regretting your decision for whole life.
These comments would help in no way. Because I know that it was something more than a career. In Spite of not pursuing what I love, I was getting very good marks that would make my classmates and teachers think that I was meant for Law. And I was happy that at least my battles are kept safe with me and not public.
I would play blame games, I would put everyone on the same plate and think the whole world is against me. I would be denying the fact that I too have weaknesses to work on. But before our second year would get up to its final examinations, Mr Corona creeps in and hasn’t got his ticket for making his way out of the country yet. So until last year’s December month, it was almost a year that we hadn’t seen our University.
For some students, it was a big no-no to stay at home after a free bird attitude at University but ask me! How relishing it was to stay at home, away from the chaotic and unwanted conflictions of day to day life, which was rolling without a pause. I have never been happier than before, I’m sorry to all those who have been or are still suffering from Corona. But all I want to say is I was happy for the time that Corona gave us, not for the Pandemic and its repercussions.
So I made a lot of changes in my daily habits from switching to healthy food to running and meditation, from quitting social media to learning new skills, from comparing myself with others to focusing on myself, from clutter to simplifying my life and from most of all, from being intolerant with myself to giving myself enough time to renovate and embracing my imperfections. All these changes didn’t even get a notice until the Datesheet of my 5th Semester, which was to be held in December 2020, was announced.
I was not at all worried about the exams because I have attended enough online lectures to understand the concepts and prepared well in advance. What bothered me the most was going to the University, facing all, socialization, fake smiles and unwanted clutter all over again in my newly cleared mind. It’s like you have just swept all your house and some unwanted guests with muddy shoes are going to come over to your place and you have to clean that shit again! Worried! Worried! Worried! But because of healthy food, proper exercise, and regular meditation, my mind was ready to put itself to the test despite my unwillingness, moreover, I had no other option.
So putting all the incidents and my experience at 10 months- later- reopened- University in one word- UNEXPECTED. I have never expected that I would greet everyone without thinking that they’re different from me or I m a misfit, I would talk without hesitation, I was able to empathise with everyone around me, I was less judgemental, less walled, less conflicting with my own mind and the best part was everything and everyone seemed so good to me as if all the dust has been washed away after heavy rain. I was so happy and satisfied within myself that I passed the test, now I could say that yes! I was calmer from inside. But that in no way! No way means that I have become a saint…I still have anger issues, ego issues and many other issues, you can read my post: Questions to get an idea🤪 but at least now have enough space to work on them and when I say I m calmer than before it means now I am more patient with my weaknesses.
So what really changed? Was it the people around me or my mind? Yes, you are correct! My mind. My mind has decluttered itself, not completely but is in process, and I’m okay with this work in progress, I have no rush, my ever running reins have come to rest. I have a sense of control and most of all I have gathered enough confidence and courage to maintain this.
Concluding this long post, I would just say from my own experience that simplify your life…Declutter it of all the mess that your own mind has created in it. I would here add a screenshot of my phone’s lock screen which has a very good message for you:
So once you simplify your life, everything is in balance, don’t be scared to test it. Don’t be scared to challenge yourself, don’t be scared that you will lose your acquired balance…what if you fail? No problem! At least you know you are on the way. Just tell yourself every day, as I tell myself when I feel somewhat off track that
Work is in progress, time will come when renovation will be over and a beautiful mind will be ready. Time will come to decorate it with the beauty of life. Time will come. Just keep going.
Thanks for being patient with this long post. Lots of love and laughter 😊🧚♀️❤