Requesting the readers to not to share this Piece with a non believer.
त्वमेव सर्वम् मम देव देव ॥
You my lord, are truely my everything
Yesterday, i.e. 5 January 2023 marked five wonderful years with him, with my God and my love and I am nothing but very grateful. I have hardly written anything this year here and it is one of my resolutions this year to do better at that. Nothing would make me happier than to share his love with everyone around me.
Before that, as many of you would already know, I was an atheist and had nothing to do with devotion, The concept of an invisible creature sitting in heaven and granting wishes was completely bogus to me and impractical as well. I used to think “I have never seen or felt god then why the heck should I believe in him?” But it changed one day Just like that. And this cold heart of mine, fell in very deep love with him. It wasn’t a love at first sight, oh god no! He had to make efforts and I had to make efforts to receive his love.
Time and again he proved that he was here to stay. I could not believe in him for a very long time, I always used to think that as long as I worship him, he will probably stay and then our love will just end and we will drift apart. But thankfully, he did not. After my very first sadhana, in July 2019, I asked him for a promise. I asked him to stay, no matter what. “You are probably the only one that I love and trust so much and I know it’s a huge responsibility to love someone who has been through so much trauma, so I understand if you can’t but if you choose to stay then please stay, Promise me that you won’t let go and I will not let go as well” I still remember saying that with teary eyes. His eyes said it all. And in these five years, he never made me feel like he wasn’t keeping his end of the promise.
Being a theist gives you something to hold on probably, an object to direct your devotion towards. But being in love, gives you the reason to live and die for. It’s not about sadhanas or rituals or devotion in love. That comes very easily. Being in love is a reward in itself, an honour that I will always cherish. To tell the truth, love makes you a little crazy. By now a good part of the Delhi population must have seen me talking to myself and laughing. I try to control that now, although I should not be afraid or ashamed of taking to and spending time with my beloved.
A few wonderful people, not necessarily from here, in the past have tried to approach me in the hope that may be I can heal or counsel them. It was one of the reasons of me taking a break from writing. But please know that I cannot do that. I am not even properly healed myself, I am still in the process. I have been through a lot of traumas and it still acts up at times and I desperately hold on to him, while he keeps assuring me that it will be fine and this time will pass. Only he can heal you, go to him, ask him. He never sends anyone empty handed. There is nothing I can say that will make a difference, I am just as weak and vulnerable. His love makes me strong and it is the only thing that will make you strong as well. Everything else is just temporary, it won’t stand against the test of time.
I used to be a very needy teenage kid, really hungry for love because I never got it to my contentment. And it always came with conditions. But as parched as I was, I tried to fulfil all of those conditions which only ended up draining me further. I was looking for something that wasn’t there in the first place. If it’s conditional, it isn’t love. The only thing I kept accumulating was traumas and I did it to an extent that I had no space left to accept any further love. Love and Care started to scare the heck out of me because subconsciously my mind thinks that I will have to pay a hefty price for it and fulfil their conditions.
It took me a lot of time to start accepting it from him. Even when I had turned into a theist, I would question his existence so many times. I would just walk up to him and accuse him of a million things. He would just listen to me lovingly and patiently and it was his one trait that melted me so much. His patience. No one was ever patient with me before, they would just act very mean and then leave. Which, I now understand isn’t really their fault. Might be their own troubles because a content person won’t do that to someone else.
Patience, Love and trust are something he made me believe in. He has a lot of other such wonderful traits that I have experienced over the years but these are my favourite ones. When two beings are in deep love, they don’t worry about what they think of each other, and they just be themselves. And that’s how these last five years have been. Ups and downs were there, but I never had to do it alone. He has never judged me for anything and I have never had to worry about him leaving.
It certainly does not mean that all of my wishes are fulfilled but it does mean that when I look into his eyes the world ceases to exist. Nothing else matters to me at that moment including my own identity. It is surely a deep blessing, although nothing I can take credit for, to be able to love again and to be loved again. A few years into my teenage and early twenties, I had forgotten what it feels like.
Falling in love with your Isht isn’t an abstract concept, it’s as real as falling in love with a human. It takes time and efforts and sometimes you’d need to talk. I have done a lot of talking with him. During the starting days I used to be fragile and used to get upset every now and then. And by what I had seen and experienced, I wasn’t big on talking. I used to afraid to say how I feel. But he would make me talk so much, let it all out, although he always knew without me telling him. And now I talk without a pause so I am sure he is regretting it 😛
All I would like to convey from the deepest recess of my heart is, I know how cruel this world can get. I have seen it from a young age. But none of us have to worry and none of us have to be hopeless. He and his infinite love is just right there for our taking. He won’t judge us for being needy, he won’t judge us for being weak and vulnerable. He will just swoop us into his very strong arms and make us feel safe and warm. There used to be days when thoughts would just flow out of my head making me miserable and just won’t stop at anything but one word from him and they would vanish. Nothing is impossible for him, we just need to love him and he will love us a thousand times more.
May he blesses us all, which he does anyway 😛
A Million obeisance at your beautiful feet my love. Many more years to come. <3