My earliest memory of this starts at a tender young age of 6, maybe earlier, where despite being surrounded by friends, loneliness engulfed me. I always felt out of place. Like I did not belong. And this feeling carried on from childhood, to being a teenager, to a young adult. 

It took me some time, well…. it felt like it took me a lot of time on this grand illusionary timescale, to realise that this feeling seeped into every aspect of my life. As always, the universe was reflecting the way I felt inside.  And the best bit, (while I chuckle in hindsight) the patterns existed all around me, it was only up to me to raise my vibrations to shift into awareness.

My inner work, the path of self-development started a decade ago and I can see the fruits now. I started to learn about self-love and how to put it into action. At first, it was challenging – to carry out my shadow work, to accept flaws in me. It still can be, but like anything in life, because I stuck with the processes, I have become accustomed to it, to allow transformation to occur. As my darkness is  filled with more light, I have let go of more pieces of the face that played victim. 

Recently, I received an invitation for a friend’s wedding celebrations. It was a connection that was kept alive in group settings, where otherwise there was no personal interaction especially in recent years. I was surprised to receive an invitation and I was happy to hear their good news. However, I had to ask myself – what was the intention that I would go to the wedding? Was it simply to meet up with the group of friends to celebrate the wedding?  Did I want to go through the usual rollercoaster emotions where I end up devaluing myself? What am I saying to the universe – am I accepting connections like this? I finally had courage to say to myself – no more! I’m done with these false relationships. I sent my blessings and best wishes and set myself free. I was grateful for the opportunity. To realise that I deserve more. And to allow the universe to shower me with meaningful, genuine connections.

And as one door closed, I was surprised a few days later to receive an email apology from a person I lost touch with 10 years ago asking to reconnect. It was almost like the universe was testing me. Have I learnt my lesson? Was I going to fall prey and give more than I should, again? This time I gave my blessings and gratitude silently and said no with confidence. 

It feels exhilarating to take action to simply put a stop to decades of the same repeating patterns. I set myself free from connections that no longer serve me. The ego trap comes every now and then to test me and make me question my decision. But, with firm faith, I have had to keep moving forward. 

I want to rise, rise so deeply in love with me, the divine me that has the potential to shine brighter than what can be fathomed in stories. I have started to get glimpses of the true beauty of pure happiness. Where I am simply happy. There is no reason. No person. No relationship attachment. No material possession. Just a state of pure happiness. Now, it lasts for a few hours rather than a few moments. And I realise that this is a step forward in finding me, THE DIVINE ME! I am forever grateful for the divine grace showering upon me. And with his grace, I will continue to discover my truth.