Those who knows me on os.me i am grateful. My first post was about my dilemma of being a housewife which i never wanted but nature planned it that way.
I tried my best to accept the life as it is but my social conditioning and ego made it difficult for me.
I have a loving and understanding family who supports me in everyway but i have my own issues….my mind which plays the role of a demon.
With recent few turbulent events and passing of close people, affected me badly . Even two hours ago i cried loud like a baby..now dnt try to imagine tht…not a good visual 🙂
I always wanted to be an independent woman and i was..i lived that life for more than 2 decades but my problem was i couldn’t adjust with the new life that was kind of forced upon me as i was not prepared for it.
Now when i saw how vulnerable life is sply in this covid time, i became more vulnerable.
I can’t explain what i am going through..it’s depressing and i don’t want to go back to those dark nights again.
I always wanted to be financially independent and now with no job i feel worthless and this feeling gets more strengthen when I see all my friends doing so good professionally in life.
But i am suffering. I used to earn a handsome amount per month and now i don’t earn a single penny. I had made up my life and dreams based upon my earning and now i have nothing. I don’t know why but i can never claim my right on my husband’s money, unlike many housewives i know.
This was all so disturbing. So today i took a decision.
Today i quit. I have decided to give up on my dream of becoming a professional again or having a career.
Whatever i have saved or earn through os.me i will make the most of it.
I cried while declaring this to universe today but this was the resistance i had created and it was a hurdle in my inner peace. I chose the latter.
I need peace. I will try to be content and will surrender to my guru.
Let him decide what’s best for me.
I have suffered emotionally so much including inferiority complex due to my non earning status. Will try to pen down my worthlessness some day.
Today i just wanted to share with os.me family, i haven’t told my parents or friend even, that i have decided to not pursue any career and will live everyday as it comes.
No hopes no expectations. It breaks me but i feel that this is the way ahead.
This was a ranting sort of thing but as i feel i am not judged here so thought of sharing .
I am very vulenrable, stressed and weak at the moment. Few weeks ago i had written a post and by mistake it all got deleted. Tht post had made me appear very weak but it was all his grace that it didn’t get published somehow but today i am broke, shattered and stressed.
However i am hopeful now there will be no reistance. I accept myself as a housewife today and promise to do my best to evolve myself better.
Ps: he came in dream last night and today i have taken this decision. I surrender to my guru, my kanha. And now i am ready to explore the path which is beyond my understanding or social conditioning.
Thanks for being so patient with me.
Jai sri hari