When the strings of an arrow are pulled back, it is about to transcend a huge distance in a few seconds. Pause. Don’t give up.
I am not someone who can speak a lot about my daily life or what I do on a daily basis. I am someone who likes to work privately but when surrounded by people I try and engage with them on ideas, thoughts among others so that they do not feel I am being haughty and egoistical by not speaking. Though, now I bother much less about what people think of me and more about how well I can incorporate the lessons I learn from Gurudev i.e. Om Swami. I shall henceforth refer to him in this post as Gurudev as that makes me feel much closer to him.
Coming to the topic, I chose to throw light upon the aspect of ‘Healing’. I am taking you all to November – December 2020 when I faced a severe personal turmoil. The turmoil lasted the next 7-8 months continuously. I do not wish to divulge the inner issues. It became worse as I progressed into each month. Accordingly, December 2020 was worse than November 2020, January 2021 was more difficult to bear than December 2020 and so on. I suppose I hit the peak in the months of June 2021 and July 2021. I was breathless. I panted for breath. I ate extremely less. I could not sleep, not that I can sleep properly even now. But to give you the context, I would stay awake the entire night till at least 4 am – 5 am. I hope you get the picture. Back then, I was at home with my family. As with anyone who lives in a family filled with people will tell you, one usually does not get space. At least, the environment I was surrounded by then did not provide me with any sense of security or space. I had a family member telling me how I was not doing any work (Mind you – prior to the above event taking place I was someone who was habituated to working 16 hours a day for years and years).
Now coming to how I regained a sense of control and my composure. I was introduced to Gurudev’s teaching by somebody I knew. I borrowed books from that gentleman. Read his memoir ‘If truth be told’ – A Monk’s Memoir, Kundalini – An Untold Story, The Ancient Science of Mantras, A Fistful of Wisdom and The book of Faith during those two months. I carefully watched his videos. Countless ones. I read his articles. But the most important thing I did was to just not aimlessly watch it but incorporate those lessons in my life.
I spoke less. Resultantly, less garbage (sorry for the term – however a lot of us speak a lot but don’t need to speak as much) came out from my mouth. I got less angry. Though I was still anxious. I was still unhappy. I was crying day in and day out. Nobody knew my inner turmoil. A friend I reached out to responded by way of criticism leading me to remain in my shell without seeking outside help. My family would have made things worse. Hence the question of approaching them was out of question.
I was always religious and if I may add ritualistic. But Gurudev’s discourses and articles taught me what spirituality is all about and they are not the same. One can perform a thousand rituals but if they do not undergo inner transformation or change, one cannot be expected to benefit from those rituals. I carefully followed the lessons Gurudev has been attempting to inculcate and imbibe in us through his writings and discourses. I read and read and read as if there was no tomorrow. I chanted. I prayed. Slowly, I started getting distanced from those issues. The distance began no sooner than I started going through and inculcating Gurudev’s lessons.
It was in August, 2021 when I resumed attending meetings and found support from someone who I did not know will come to my rescue. I did not feel the need to discuss anything except only request for assistance for a few, but crucial things and it mostly pertained to time management and a bit of motivation. Oh Yes! I forgot to also mention that during those above-mentioned months, I would after being awake (which was mostly the time which I am even ashamed to mention here), I would keep staring at the ceiling of my room and think. Thoughts would keep pouring in. Even before I could calculate, I was staring at the ceiling for more than an hour.