I think I need a new hobby. A new something to look forward to. To engage myself into, the same old stuff are not bringing me more joy. I need more than regular right now. I need extraordinary, yet simple. Convincing and engaging. Sometimes I want to run far far away, but from what and from whom? My family is anyway not with me. The friends that I can count on one hand are distant and at periphery. They are not to be blamed. I need a new perspective.
Oh how many times I have pulled myself from the situation telling myself it is alright. I have been my close confidant and biggest motivator. Now what else to do, you have to uplift yourself from dark nights and sad mornings. Have told myself, No this is how life is, this has happened, face it and get on with life. I have convinced myself, it is ok to keep knocking at wrong doors, you be the bigger person. Don’t change yourself. Let them hurt you, if you don’t take the hurt it won’t affect you; even though I am sulking and drowning, I would tell myself you are fine and you can come out of it. Keep going, feel it, don’t show it to anyone. Who understands anyway?
Everybody has an agenda, a mood and a motive. You be the person who makes them feel worthy and celebrated, so what they don’t come asking about your well-being. See I need a new hobby. I want to consume myself in something which can’t hurt my feelings. Maybe I will break a wire or a key, burn something or hit somebody but I need a hobby. A hobby which doesn’t involve sharing feelings and exchanging words. Something which unites with my feelings and speaks without words.
What are people and places, you close your eyes and they all disappear, the feeling and moments of joy and sorrows brew in your heart. You will see more faces and be at unknown places, but your heart will serve you the same old beverage it was brewing. I need a hobby. I want memories to flow outside of my heart through it. I am looking for a hobby.
Why, this is so good already? You write, you share under a disguise, you let it flow. But you are known and judgements have shown. You are misunderstood, maybe mocked, told and advised. This has been good, kept me sane and busy.
But I need something more, I want it to be just my own. Hiding names didn’t help, I want to dissolve instead and just be with myself. Words written and spoken, need to be read and heard. I need something which will be out of me and into the infinity; nothing bouncing back and hitting me in the face. I know my hobby, I want to see if I can take that challenge and succeed. Oh I love how this turned out to be poetic, only to my ears and unapologetic.
Happy Holi! May the colors of life make you smile everyday and you bear the brightest hue of them all!