Please click here for part twenty-six.
On April 09th at the Yajna Shala, we were told to be at the temple after 8:30 pm, as Guruji would visit the temple the following day to perform the puja. We vacuumed, cleaned, and decorated the temple at night; there was so much love in the temple that night. We were trying to be quiet, as we were all aware that Sri Hari Ji was resting.
The next day, Sunday, April 10, was just an ordinary day on the calendar, but it was memorable for all of us. It was Lord Rama’s birthday. Ram Navami is celebrated to mark the birth of Lord Ram (the seventh incarnation of Lord Vishnu) to King Dasharath and Queen Kaushalya. We got up early (4 am) for our Sadhana, then rushed to the temple for Lalita Sahasranama.
Unfortunately, an alarming incident took place in the temple with me. That shook me from the inside. Yes, it was my pain, but then it was every devotee’s pain. That incident triggered that pain; it was always inside, waiting to burst out. During this trip, I hardly (seldom) saw Sri Hari Ji at the time of aarti. I am not tall; if a more elevated person stands in front of me, I can’t see (darshan) Sri Hari Ji.
Every devotee, just like me, has equal love and devotion in their heart, but they are just patiently and painfully waiting in the back for their chance to bow to the Divine in peace.
My chest became heavier. The burden of pain was unbearable. I came here to be with my Bhagwan Sri Hari Ji and Guruji; why am I facing this pain of harsh words?
Yes, darshan can be done in your heart in a larger scheme and a non-duality concept. This is all Maya around us; we shouldn’t get caught in it. I get that, understand and accept that too.! But at least one time, a devotee deserves a chance to be a little closer or to see the Divine. Aren’t we all here for the Divine?
In the middle of Lalita Sahasranama, I ran outside the temple towards the swing. I sat there, and I cried, sobbed, and cried more. I was upset at the Divine; I was upset at myself! He is the one who calls us here; now, why is he ignoring us? I called him, and I called him. I was sobbing for him.
I took a vow and said to my Guruji, “I understand you are busy with your work to make the world peaceful. I respect that and support that. I am not someone special, and you need to give up everything and listen to my plea. I am just here for Sri Hari’s darshan and you, like every devotee. I guess I am better off in Dallas, where you are always with me, and I don’t have to face this pain, humiliation, and agony. If you wish I would come back again, show me a sign, do something, and make a change. Tell me that you are watching everything, what is happening around here.
Can every devotee ever get a fair chance to be blessed with your darshan face-to-face and in peace? Please, please, show me a sign, my Divine ma, that you are listening to me”. Please open the door for me, my Guruji. I said it out loud, surrendering at his feet, assuring myself that Guruji was listening.
योगी पावन मनाचा साही अपराध जनाचा
विश्व पट ब्रह्मदारा ताटी उघडा ज्ञानेश्वरा
(A yogi is of clear mind bears the faults of humankind,
A saint uses words in teaching, “the world is a cloth and Brahma the thread.” Open the door, Gyaneshwara!)
I know that not even the Divine has that much power to shake my faith and trust in my Guruji, the Divine himself. I don’t know if it was the test for the Divine or the test of my devotion, trust, and surrender.
Ria Ji and Gunngun Ji came running toward me; they saw me bawling my eyes out. They hugged, consoled, and tried to convince me that I should come inside the temple. It was almost getting close to 7 am. I refused; I couldn’t put my step in there anymore. I was disappointed with the situation. I told them, “Unless Guruji opens the door today, I will never return. It’s his turn now; I tried everything”. I was hurt inside, but I put my utmost devotion and love to the test of Guruji.
Gunngun Ji gently reminded me, with so much concern and love, “One never puts the Divine to the test!” But I thought I had no choice, I felt I was helpless, plus it was done; I couldn’t take it back now. When both girls refused to go to the temple without me for aarti, I had no choice but to go with them. At the temple, I sat away from the negative vibes but a bit close to my Gunngun Ji and Ria Ji. Gunngun Ji, my soul sister, was holding my hand, waiting for the Divine, our Guruji.
Please click here for part twenty eight.