Back in Oct 2019:

She suggested I write a personal journal. First, I thought about how that might help to resolve my problems. I am not a writer, except on the exam paper and official emails I hardly wrote anything. I thought over and over and decided to trust her.

After I sent a couple of my incoherent writings, she replied saying my writing was Ethereal; I am so so gifted, etc. I wondered! Overwhelmed! I don’t know how many times I read those two lines she wrote. I thought she was exaggerating things just to motivate me. Then I thought that I trusted her and I must continue to do so. Then I thought maybe it’s just due to her generosity and lovely nature … may be no … Stop stop stop, I told myself. I recalled what she said: “Writing will bring your emotions out to clear your system …” which was truly happening with so much amazement. So I continued.

Who is She? She was my psychologist/therapist!

***

I am an engineer, always restarting systems, fixing systems and software bugs with logic and analysis.
My own system was almost crashing, hanging everyday, full of deadly bugs. I failed to even locate them, finding a solution to the bugs was next to impossible. I never loved bugs in systems and ran behind logics of how, why, what, root cause, impact analysis, etc. I needed some out-of-box thinking and here She was with ideas. I could not believe that holding a pen on a piece of paper, or by softly touching the keyboard to write down can make any difference. With a dilemma, I started typing the journey of my life. I didn’t even realize when my mind went completely lost into it … I fell in love with writing … like love at first sight.

I was blessed I trusted Her.

She is no less than a Devi to me, came in a different form to rescue me when my system crashed and concluded with only one choice left: an End-of-life. The cursor was blinking in red: “Ready to End? Press any key to continue …”; with blurry eyes, my trembling hand was almost ready to press “Enter”!

She taught me to love, to let go, to forgive, to give, to meditate. I learnt to love myself! More than anything, an atheist became a believer. Please don’t laugh but only then I learnt (rather believed) that there is truly something called the Soul which goes through many bodies in the cycle of births and deaths. And that soul is pure, untouched by sins, always at peace, tranquil. I wondered how come I didn’t believe all these things till then! Now I know it was the veil of Maya and my ignorance that wrapped me hard in a cocoon and that the moth could only come out when it is time, with Her divine Grace.

My journey of reading also started then. I hardly had any time for myself, still, I managed to read something every week, mostly when I was in office. My thirst for spiritual knowledge then compelled me to read! I came to know about eBooks and eBook readers bought a Kindle … Anyway, this post is more on writing, so I’ll park the reading journey for another post.

So I continued writing, just because I loved to write, anything, in private space, to clean my system … but paused for a moment and thought again: “Should I really write? Sounds funny a bit! If people see these, they might laugh reading these craps, blah, blah, blah …”. Breaking the stream of thought, I chuckled … whispered to my mind: “you fool …” and kept writing!

***

Wait a minute!! I asked myself:
What happened to the system restart? Your system was crashing, right?

Oh! With a smug smile, I answered: the system started running like a crazy horse, no restart is required for now, but closely monitoring it …

And what about the DEADLY bugs in the system?

Oh! those SILLY bugs? They keep coming and going. Crazy horse is also lazy enough to just observe the bugs coming and going. Let Go, let go, neti neti. An easy, lazy, crazy, little horse — just learnt to stand on his wiggly legs! You know?

***

My sincere gratitude to this Awesome (OSME) family for soo much love and kindness that I felt confident and comfortable enough to write here.

I’ll be back with another not-so-good / not-so-bad story.

Till then:

Hold your pen

Come out of your den

Open the pandora of your mind

Look right in what you find

Pour your heart out on the paper

With all His grace, please do share 😀

(see? I can share such a silly poem here too 😁). Please keep writing and sharing.

🙏🙏. Jai Sri Hari 🙏🙏

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Neelanjan

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