I am carrying a baggage for last few years. Probably I had shared this only with one person in my life. That had given me a great relief. But I don’t want to carry it any more. Specially after Gurudeva’s last article, yesterday.
Yesterday, I successfully kept my negative thoughts away by unclutching them consciously. Such a blissful experience! All credit goes to Gurudeva, Maa, Baba and Sadhvi ji.
Here I’m sharing my journey after coming back from the ashram.
On 25 December 2015, I reached home from the Ashram. My biological Baba and Maa welcomed me like anyother days. I got a piece of cake as it was a Christmas. When my father came from his shop we had a discussion. I told him the reasons. And it was all good.
I can not make you understand how much my parents were supportive towards me (not for such runaways).
But I was unaware of the world outside. I live in a village in West Bengal. And here a drop of a pin sounds loudly in every home. And my journey began.
When I came outside, I started believing that a change had taken place in the outside world.
The next day when I visited a shop, one shopkeeper told her sister-in-law that
‘this is the boy who ran away from home and then came back’.
I started believing in every negetive possibilities that people might think of me. And I started seperating myself from the outside world.
Not only I was taking these things in a negative way. But I started feeling it in my day to day life.
One day I ordered something from Amazon. The delivery person came at my door step to deliver it. My uncle asked me in a satirical tone that
“Has your Guruji send this?”.
My mind started taking these things so negatively that I started hiding myself from others.
Then in 2016, oneday my sister eloped and got married. It was an another painful period for us and mostly for my parents. My uncle stopped talking to us. We became the subject of social mockery. My father is a well reasoned and a respected man. He handled it practically and courageously. Without my father I don’t know what would have happened to me and my mother.
I went to my friends but could no more feel any connections with them. I used to stand beside them but no one used to talk to me. And I slowly stopped visiting them. Even I stopped feeling any connection with others.
Day by day, I drowned myself in negativity. And Depression started taking a deep root inside me.
I dropped myself from the Master Degree Course in that year.
Days at University
Then I took an entrance examination for BHU. This exam had negative markings in it. After attempting a good number of questions (which was enough to enroll me in BHU), I attempted 35 more questions thinking that Baba (Lord Vishnu) was helping me to attend these questions. I ranked 109 in the exam and could not get my admission in Banaras. I thought even Baba had stopped listening to me.
Then in 2016, I enrolled myself in my home-university. I started living in a P.G accomodation from 2016 to 2018, away from my home. These were the days when I completely seperated myself from the society. I took a single room in the pg accommodation and stayed there for nearly one and half years.
This was the period when suicidal thoughts became common. I used to feel suicidal every single day. No body used to come to my pg room. I had no friends. I had no one to share my thoughts. In my university also I started hiding myself. Even still I am sure, except one professor (who is actually my grandfather’s student), none of my professors know me.
I stopped studying. I lost interest in life. I started telling myself
‘no one loves me. Everyone hates me. I am going to die soon anyway.’
I lost all my self-confidence, self-respect, self-esteem.
I put on almost 25 kgs of body weight. I used to go outside only when I had to buy some food stuffs or when I had to go to the university. I used to sit in the last benches of my Master degree classes. In the evening I used to come from my university and used to cry in front of Baba. Devi Maa’s lap was my partial relief. I used to believe she was caressing my forehead. I used to fight with them about my conditions. I used to ask them
“Maa, why no one loves me? Why am I going through all these? Will this pain end?” etc. etc.
Oneday the pain became so extremely unbearable that I broke my phone with my hands
At the weekends my sole aim was to reach my village-home as my parents were my only friends to talk to. I don’t know what would have happened to me if I got admission in BHU, far away from my parents.
I tried to live my life through extreme and violent ways, but I could not. I thought to begin smoking and drinking, but I could not. I started using offensive languages but could not continue it. And I cried again as these were not me.
In our home meat and eggs are not allowed. As a Bengali, I used to ate fish only. To show my rebellion against everything, I tried to eat meat and eggs. But after hearing Gurudeva’s words that “ye koi karunamay cheez nehi hain” (this is not a kind thing to do), I even stopped eating fish.
I passed my Masters and by Baba’s grace somehow I managed a score.
In 2018, I prepared myself to go to New Delhi for some reasons. At the same time I found the upcoming ‘Chennai Kundalini Meditation Camp’ of Gurudeva in January, 2019. I enlisted myself. I went to Chennai. It was a beautiful experience.
With blue pen in my hand in the Chennai Kundalini Camp
Then I went to the ashram. My dear Gurudeva initiated me. Things happened and now I am writing this post in 2021.
While I am writing this post now and looking back on my life I am realising that I have wasted so many years of my life by brooding over these negetive thoughts. These events of my life were realities. But I could have handled these in much better ways.
But, I am now loving these past experiences of my life. I am feeling that these years were beautiful in their own ways.
I consider myself blessed as overcoming depression or dealing with these kind of mental illnesses are not easy. Lots of people harm themselves in lot many ways because of depression.
I am in a much better condition now with Gurudeva, Maa, Baba and everyone’s blessings. I probably can say that I have overcome much of my depressive instincts (if not completely). But yesterday Gurudeva’s post was a reminder for me.
Witness Meditation (watching my thoughts and unclutching them one by one) and Sadhvi ji’s (Sadvi Vrinda Om) Train the Dragon method (unclutching negative thoughts) had helped me greatly. These are the medicines I have found to deal with depression.
Now when I don’t do meditation for a longer gap of time, few of these instincts still wrap me with negetivity.
Before I was not aware of my negetive thoughts and their effects, but now I am aware of these. And I want you to take a note on the power of thoughts.
Negetive thoughts really drown you deeper if pursued; Positive thoughts really elevate you if followed
And one more thing I have learned from these years that working hard in life is more than a necessity. In my depressed years, I passed years after years while brooding over negetivity and hopelessly lying on my bed.
So it was my beautiful story.
If you can learn anything from my life, please do take it away.