At the Station
It was almost 10 at night. I was waiting for my train at Kharagpur station.
Fewdays ago I had tried to ran away; I had boarded the train also but I could not go away. The face of my mother, my feelings for them, and their love almost chained me down to the platform.
But on that night I was determined to leave this worldy life of utter sadness and pain. In those last few years I had gone through a great change. A failed relationship of my college days and other things had forced me to find peace in life and I came across something called Meditation. Then, reading of Sri Ramakrishna’s teachings and other various spiritual books for few years had made me realised that it was my time to take Sannyas.
Then probably in the early 2015, I read the book named “If Truth be Told: A Monk’s Memoir”. And I started taking preparation which I felt were needed for my journey, like, I went to Vipasana camp so that I can increase my time of sitting for meditation.
Then it was on 15th December, 2015, I ran away from home by lying to my mother that I am going for tuition. Lying was the only way I found that time to go away from my home.
The train arrived. I had only few thousands with me. Few days ago I had sold my laptop for 5,000/- for this very purpose. With this amount and some courage I boarded the train.
It was morning time when the train reached Yesvantpur junction on 17th Dec. I have told you that I had taken some preparations before my journey which my ignorant mind approved. From Yesvantpur, I first went to foundation in hope to get Kundalini Shaktipat. I thought that this shaktipat would be helpful for me to progress spiritually before going to the ashram in Himachal Pradesh. 6 hours of bus journey and then with the help of Auto rickshaw, I reached the that Shaktipat foundation.
A person came out from the lobby. I told him my whole story and how I am running sort of money and had no place to stay. But the person made me realised that I could not stay there as I just came there without prior notice. He asked me to stay at hotels. I thought to tell him that I could do dishes, sweeping or any menial works but I checked myself and made my mind determined to go directly to Badrika Ashram now.
Mails to Gurudeva
I got the bus for Yesvantpur and while traveling I mailed Gurudeva
Guruji Im coming to u. I have left my home. Want to be a sannyasi. want to be pure. I find no way to contact u. (3:28pm)
Almost one hour later I got the reply
Swamiji will only be available on Dec 30 and 31. You can visit the ashram on these two dates.
In Swamiji’s service,
Om Swami Admin (4:39pm)
I had no option left. So I replied
Thank u… I already have started my journey Sriman… Thank u… (5:41pm)
And reply came,
You are most welcome Anitosh (6:42pm)
I don’t know what happened to me and I totally misinterpreted this very message. I understood that probably they were telling me to come disregarding those prior mentioned dates. Probably Gurudeva had agreed. I got hope. I got courage. I reached Yesvantpur station.
It was a cold night. I had a jacket and a thin blanket with me to fight the cold. I placed few newspapers on the platform and rested my head on my bag and tried to sleep in that cold night. I felt like this was how a sannyasi live and also thought that “if Gurudeva can take bath in Himalayan rivers at late nights then I can also sleep here.”
I woke up early for tatkal ticket. I got a sleeper ticket to Chandigarh.
Another day passed. Night came and went away.
Journey to Himachal
It was 19th Dec. My train was scheduled at 1:45pm. Few hours before the departure I got to know my seat was upgraded to 3rd Ac.
I completed my journey of 2883km comfortably and reached Chandigarh on 21st December.
Chandigarh station was much more colder than I could have thought. I tried sleeping on the platform but newspapers didn’t do justice. It was severe cold. I could not sleep. So I chose to sit on a chair instead.
Morning came with great fog. But I had to continue my journey. I approached an auto rickshaw and went to Chandigarh Bus stand. From there I got state bus for solan. Without a minute delay I started my journey.
I can not make you understand how I enjoyed those days of my life. I was free. No one was there to tell me what to do. I was completely by my own. I was hovering here and there, sleeping anywhere. I was like a free-winged skylark.
And then I reached solan and got the bus after some enquiries to Giripul (probably this was the place). There few generous persons helped me and they called Sanju bhaiya on behalf of me. I sat in Sanju bhaiya’s car.
Reaching the Ashram
Sanju bhaiya told me many things about Gurudeva and ashram. I realised that this was the same front seat which Gurudeva had graced in different journeys.
In between, Sanju bhaiya told me something which evoked a mixed feeling of fear and uncertainty within me. He told me something like, outsiders were not allowed in the ashram while Gurudeva was not there. And Gurudeva’s sishyas follow his order dutifully. I rechecked those mails and I found that the last mail
You are most welcome Anitosh (6:42pm)
was written as a sake of courtesy and I was actually asked to come on the mentioned dates.
We reached ashram. It was afternoon. We got out of the car. Sanju bhaiya went to fetch Raghu swami ji and there I was standing while my heart and mind were going through a roller coaster ride with different emotions. I started walking towards the cliff. While walking I was thinking about how I was detected by people in my life. People had mocked me, they showed no genuine care to me and even I just got a rejection few days ago. Tears moistened my eyes. After few steps I stopped. I rose my head and told to Devi Maa in my mind
Maa, if I have to go from your place, I will bring cruelty upon my soul. I will throw all my ideantity proofs, rest of my money, my bag and belongings from this very cliff, and will be the very beast of a person from now on.
I Tried to Tell the Truth
While I was thinking such, Sanju bhaiya came with Raghu swami ji. I tried to tell my truths to Raghu swami ji and also told him about those mails. My hindi was not proper but I tried my best. Raghu Swami ji was seen so busy with construction works. I didn’t know what he understood from my broken hindi but he allowed me to stay. I was asked to have a bath and then lunch.
After my lunch, I went to Gurudeva’s meeting room. I saw Gurudeva’s paduka there. I thought to touch them but felt I am not pure enough to touch them. After waking up from some rest, I tried meditation. I don’t know what happened to me. My mother’s face came in front of me. I felt a great emotions for my mother (my biological mother). I tried removing those thoughts by reading Sri Ramakrishna’s book which I was carrying but in vein. When we are on a journey our minds remain occupied with the thoughts of our destination. Reality check happens when we reach the destination.
After a gap of time Swami Paramananda came there to meet me. It was evening time probably. I tried to tell him everything and about my misinterpreted mail but suddenly Raghu swami ji approached him and they had to go. I felt like Devi Maa didn’t want me to speak more on this subject.
Om Shanti Didi
Few moments after my eyes followed a lady in white robe who was doing some ashram works. She approached me. She was Om Shanti di (I can’t remember her name now. Probably it was her name). She showed great love towards me. I melted away with her behavior, so divine and so pure. I had a chat with her. We went to the main mandir where Sri Hari was standing.
I had a great time there. Paramananda ji had to go. Probably he was doing some sadhanas that time. In the mandir there were only I, Raghu swami ji and Om Shanti di. Raghu swami ji played a song “mera apki kripa se/ sab kam ho raha hain” in his keypad phone. I translated it to Om Shanti di as she noted down in a paper. We had great chats. Om Shanti di made me understood how study was important and I could go back to home. Her words were so crystal clear as if I felt Devi Maa is speaking to me. She bought a cap and pair of shocks for me. Such love and care I never felt in those past years.
Then we three did the Aarti. My emotions kept growing to go back to my home. I realized I was not ready for Sannyas yet. And Om Shanti di’s words also made me realise I should go back to home.
After Aarti, Raghu Swami ji took me to the construction field where new rooms were being constructed.
The evening was darker. I had fear of darkness from my childhood. It also spoke to me how I was not ready for Sannyas. My mother’s face mostly was coming to my eyes.
My Scholarship Money
“But how will I go back?” I thought. So much was spent from the little money I had come with. I had not much left. And that same evening I got a message that Rs. 1000/- had been credited in my bank account. It was a scholarship money which I had applied a long time before. And the monthly scholarship started at the same day when I needed the money.
I called my mother after so many days. My father, a strong man, started crying on the phone. They asked me to come back. I knew that I had hurt them deeply by running away this way. I told them I was coming.
I called Sanju bhaiya then and requested him to come in the morning.
I got a room for the night. I kept the lights on and I slept.
It was morning time. Sanju bhaiya came. I was ready to go from the ashram. Before going I knocked the door of Om Shanti di. Probably she was doing her japas. But in the same gentle manner she opened the door and I was asked to come in. It was a little room. A diya was burning. She showed me Devi Maa’s murti which was gifted to her by Paramananda ji after great hours of meditation.
Om Shanti di (I am still in doubt about your name. I can’t remember your face too. A long time has passed) but if you are reading this post please do know that I am grateful to you. The love and warmth you had shown to me, was almost unknown to me, especially in those years when I suffered much. I still sometime remember you and your kind and motherly gestures. And I am grateful to you.
And then I told her that I was going. I left the ashram with Sanju bhaiya. I came to Chandigarh by bus. Withdrew the 1000/- and bought a ticket for Howrah. It cost me around rs. 700/-.
I boarded the train at night. I had no confirmed seat. A gentleman gave me his polythene paper. I spread it near the entry gate of the sleeper coach and slept away the night. And I reached my home safely.
I could not meet Gurudeva in that journey. But It was a great journey and great experience.
I just have told you, my truth. If you can find any lessons from it, please do take it away. Thank you. 🙏
At Ashram on 21/12/2015
First try on 12/12/2015; failed.
Ran away on 15/12/2015
Yesvantpur platform ticket
Medical help in Yesvantpur
Seat no- S7 33 upgraded to B3 1 (Chandigarh ticket)
Chandigarh platform ticket
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