Victimization means when you are trapped in an undesirable situation like a dark tunnel with no end. A feeling of frustration, helplessness, fear, and anger prevails. You struggle with guilt to come out of this negative vicious cycle. The more you struggle with guilt, the more you are trapped. You blame and accuse others, not always verbally but mentally, for your situation. Low self-esteem, self-confidence, and unexplained jealousy (to see other mates who are doing better) make your life miserable. Your precious years of life slowly get wasted and the scale of guilt rises in your guilt meter.

MY STRUGGLE

Yes, I have struggled with guilt for many years after joining a job in the government sector. I was in the teaching profession before my marriage and was doing well. But after marriage, I couldn’t get a job with the same tempo. One of my uncles-in-law told me about a technical job vacancy in the government sector much lower than my competency. He also told me that after a few years, I can be upgraded to a better position. I joined the job as it was well-paying. Yes, I chose my job without having an idea how it can affect my mental health.

I was not prepared for the consequences …..What will be the cost of my financial independence? Can my teaching aptitude be replaced by an alien technical skill? No, I never contemplated the various pros and cons before selecting a job profile. At work, I found a different atmosphere which I was not used to. Most of my colleagues were aged, shabbily dressed and lesser qualified than me. Oh man, I am not used to it. My soft language and education were of no use. Many times, a few colleagues used to make fun of me. The work culture was like….. how to come late and go early? They were doing quality work but not up to my standards. This job required skill not higher education. Harder, I tried to fit in, the more I became a misfit. Moreover, working in shifts badly affected my circadian rhythm. I started to talk negatively about everything happening in my life. I used to remain unhappy.  I started to begrudge everything in life. I felt that in frustration, I’m not doing justice to my job and family.  Many times, I thought of leaving this job. I never liked those Mondays when I have to restart. A few colleagues considered me high-headed and arrogant. In my mind, l blamed everyone…..myself, my family and my Uncle-in-law for my situation. The guilt of failing at every front made me desolate.

MY EMERGENCE

Many years passed like this. My personality was totally changed. There were good days also and many wonderful people around me. I joined Nichiren Buddhism and the term gratitude changed my life. It was a gradual process but slowly my perspective was changing. I have to feel thankful for my job but there was resentment. How….? How to remove those layers of negativities from me? The guilt of not doing better things….. How to overcome this guilt? Slowly, I started to acknowledge and appreciate my job. I prayed to change from within and started counting my blessings.

…….I am working for patient care and contributing my bit. This job is making me earn my bread….. Ultimately, it was my choice to join in. People and places will not change. Only you can change…. Either accept it or reject it. Okay…. You accept it….. Now perform well, and do it in a better way…..Focus on efficiency and talk well with people. Your soft and concerned words for a needy person mean a lot.

Yes, the reality was hard but I did it. I can sense the surge of positive energy in me. I have become grateful for my job and the people around me. There are bad days also but now I can see light at the end of the tunnel. My struggle with guilt was replaced with gratitude.