I welcome you Devi, in my life..You will be honoured, you will have my devotion..
I had watched Om Swami’s video on Devi’s darshan and had an instant connect with Maa Jagdamba (Divine Mother) in my heart.
The incident is from my childhood when I had just started my schooling. My classroom was in the basement floor and I used to dread walking into that dungeon-like space, so much so that I started skipping school frequently. This one day was like any other day but it was going to turn my life upside down. I was bathed, dressed-up and made ready to go to school but just then I pulled a vanishing act on my unsuspecting grandma. I hid behind a folding bed and did not respond to any of her calls. Soon enough I was spotted by my uncle and dragged out and scolded royally. But the TAMASHA had just begun.
I kept refusing to go to school but a 4 year old was overpowered by a full grown adult. Then scolded repeatedly in the most horrific tone that would haunt me for the next few decades. I was lifted and smothered, suffocated, all this while I tried to muster all my will power and strength against a full grown bullying adult. I don’t remember if I fainted in all this. The next memory I have is only about being thrown on the floor of the school, then dragged in front of every class, asking which classroom I belonged to. It was only in a day but the effect traumatized me for a long time well into mid-life. A strange observation is that although I had repressed the memory of actual incident, the emotional response got embedded in my mind and became my central thought pattern causing insecurities.
This trauma had later manifested into my stuttering. The after effects were that I couldn’t get into any relationships, every eye contact respawned that childhood trauma. I had also developed a false image of acting arrogant to hide the insecurities, sometimes throwing an angry fit if any girl apporached me. As a result, I hardly kept a social circle.
I had lost hope but kept one promise to myself that I will seek an enlightenment experience, come what may.
I was a devout Hanuman bhakt and he led me to a Guru who blessed me with the most subtle out of body experience and sure enough, it cured my stuttering but not my loneliness.
Then came Devi, like a fire engulfing the demon (trauma) that had haunted me since my childhood. The grace and creativity is budding again.
A joyful revelation surfaced in the mean-time – ‘Women become pregnant with Babies, Men become pregnant with Ideas.’