A few days back after the Sandhya Arati, I was in ecstasy. I was feeling like standing on the top of one of these mountains and sharing my happiness with every cell of this universe. I did also. I was screaming “ hey all of you the beautiful sky all filled with stars and the moon, the holy earth, Giri river who flows in silence, you beautiful big giant mountains who always takes me to the beautiful world (I can look at them for hours without getting tired), you beautiful trees who give me the warmth of mother whenever I hug you (yes here I hug trees. Tree one near to L block is my most favorite tree. I hug her, kiss her. Her warmth is so Divine. Its all filled with love and compassion), I have something to tell you all. Stretching my hands I was screaming “you know I feel so happy. I feel safe. I am not scared of anything or anyone. I am ready. I am ready for life. Do you know why? Because I am with my FATHER. My BABA. He is standing right next to me. No matter what life may throws at me I am not scared and you know why I am with my father. I am with my Baba” I said this a million times in my mind. To know the reason behind this I will share a few incidents that happened in my past.
While growing up I was really fond of Love and being in a romantic love relationship with a Man. Prince charming type a tall, dark handsome guy. Who will love me like mad and I will also love him the same way. I always wanted to be in a relationship whose base is Love, respect, care, and appreciation for each other. I always dreamed that my dream guy will propose to me most romantically, maybe he decorates the room with flowers and balloons, he will light up candles in the room. A ring while saying I love You and a cake just to celebrate our happiest moment. Just to add up more to this I even imagined that prince charming will tattoo my name on his Arm. In short, I wanted “Do jism ek jaanwala relationship” (I can’t believe this was me when I was in my teenage. Bagawan thank you for not saying Tathastu to it)
But what happened in my life was exactly the opposite of what I thought. The love romantic relationship which I thought and believed seeing Karan Johar movies like DDLJ, kuch kuch hota hai, Mohobbatey was not at all true in real life. And this was the biggest shock for my tiny mind which was still believing that I will end up having some love story and I will end up meeting my prince charming. On top of all, an 8-year child within me who grew up watching these movies was not at all able to believe that Shahrukh khan had lied. (Shahrukh khan is my first Love).
When I was in college I ended up seeing my friends being in abusive relationships where the male partner is physically hurting my friend but still she is saying that she loves him and can’t live without him. Believing their partner I had seen my friends indulging in physical relationships and conceiving. I have even seen their struggle for cheap hospitals and doctors so that they can abort the child. I saw them aborting the child not once, not twice but multiple times. Even after aborting, I have seen no grief or pain in their eyes, I have seen them pretending as if nothing had happened but I witnessed how they started losing their touch with themselves and the source of love. I have seen many of my friends and colleagues double dating and their justification that how they are right in cheating others. This one line screw me “Everything is fair in Love and War”. I have seen people behaving completely like strangers who once promised to be together and forever. I have seen people being in relationship (both male and female) just for financial support from their partner. Just for that fistful of support, I have seen people selling their body, emotions, self-respect, and soul too.
After seeing all these I questioned myself is this love? Is Love mean lust? To have a relationship means I should be giving my body to my partner if I am not willing also. In a world like this where LOVE has lost its true meaning, I was hoping for prince charming. Will I ever be able to find him? What if he turns to be a beast but not prince charming? No, NO I am a good girl I will surely attract a good person in my life that for sure. I kept on telling this to myself but I think I was just kidding with myself.
I believe “We will not attract what we want but what we hold within ourselves”. If we hold negativity, fear, confusion then we will surely end up attracting these types of people and situations. If we hold love, faith, and divinity within us surely we will end up having them. Consciously I believed that I was choosing positive and happy emotions only but deep down it was just darkness.
During my engineering and work life, I met few guys. They were really good. Tall, dark, charming, and attractive. Some were witty and they were just doing great in their life. (strange thing is that I always liked tall guys. Haha, I am realizing it today). One guy was matured, friendly, caring, and appreciative. I was fond of him. I thought I had met my ideal partner but I was wrong. I had an issue with men being as a daughter to single parent I was always searching for a man who would love me like a father. I wanted to experience that safe feeling of being around a man. But all these guys whom I met, made me feel so unsafe.
I will be very honest with you all. I never had any serious relationship in my life. My love story never went ahead of ‘I like you’. “I like you” has been always the end. In fact, my longest relationship has been for a month. I would always say to others “I don’t feel like being with him. I don’t feel that connection. Something is missing and so on. But the truth was I never felt safe with anyone.
There was this guy who was my friend who directly asked me to sleep with him? There was this another friend of mine who was going through a bad break up and he asked me in Arjun reddy movie style (Kabir Sing) “Nuvvu naaku ala help chestava?” (basically he meant that he wanted to sleep with me so that he can forget his girlfriend. On what earth this theory holds good. I don’t know. Arjun reddy movie sucks). I felt like slapping them but I never did.
But the thing was, why I was attracting these sort of people in my life? I have indeed seen some negative pieces of stuff in life but they didn’t happen with me then why I was ending up meeting these sorts of people in my life? Was Something broken within me? Was something worst really about to come in my life yet? I was completely unaware.
Thank you all for reading. Take Care. Jai Sri Hari.
To be continued….