My sincerest obeisance to Beloved and Respected Swamiji! My sincerest gratitude and thanks to the Divine for everything!

Finally I am here. I feel at home. This is my first post in the blog and I want to take time to briefly share the glimpse of the journey in search of truth (Or in Swamiji’s words, in the journey of “Discovering my own truth”). I will briefly share my humble story and highlight the takeaways.

As a child, my curiosity to watch an ant, or a leaf, the sky or the trees, a bird or raindrops was probably no different than any other peer of my own age. But what remained different is that the curiosity and awe of looking at those actually increased as I grew up. By the grace of The Divine, I was good with studies from a very young age and I was able to truly relate the observations I made in nature with what I studied in school. Though I had a very religious family and I had a natural inclination from my early childhood to listening and participating in “Bhajan”, as Science started to answer many of my questions about nature and life, I started to be increasingly suspicious of the religious beliefs that my family and society had observed! By the age 10-11, I was fully “convinced” that nature didn’t need a supernatural “God” to maintain its order and the universe is governed by some laws that “naturally”. So much so that I publicly laid my feet on a (probably) hundreds of years old Shivalinga at our house (as a gesture of denial) and wrote “There is no god” on the wall of my house!

Without going into what is wrong and what is right, I am still surprised at the confidence of that 11 year old boy! That level of confidence comes only when you discover your own truth! At that time, that was my Truth.

I also remember that the anecdote of Gautam Buddha where he comes out of palace to see a child, an old man, a diseased man and so on, which made him question the “Truths” of life which I had read probably on third grade, had sown a seed of questions that remained dormant inside me until much later.

Without going into much detail (which I might write later), atheism and naturalism continued until I studied Physics at my undergraduate. While I was looking for the fundamental rules of the universe, and the fundamental nature of Existence, something subtle happened that completely changed my perspective towards nature and The Existence. I was treating the whole existence as a mere physical collection of atoms and energy that abided by some laws but slowly and gradually I started to “feel” the universe alive. Something happened and I started to feel that the universe is not as inanimate and random!

This remarkable shift in perspective was accompanied by my questioning about life. Far away (?) from nature and natural laws, humans have their own individual experience of life and set of problems they deal with. What is the meaning of getting born, eating, working, reproducing, enjoying, suffering and dying! I started questioning! I had started living in a city during my college and I witnessed so much selfishness in people, carelessness about nature, a very busy and horse-race life, competing and showing off for temporary happiness and so on! The mundane life and societal burdening on so many things made me surprised but it was how a huge part of the world and humanity functioned. The seed from the anecdote of Gautam Buddha’s life got its fertile ground as I started to listen to (and read) rebellious Osho. I was around 19 or 20 years of age by then. I was understanding that most of the beauty and potential of human life is limited by one’s mind itself and mind is a tool! A source of immense potential! But only if the mind is tamed one. I realized that man’s suffering comes from his own conditioned mind and happiness is to have your mind at your control, finding your actual voice that lies buried beneath so much of conditioning and karmic imprints (from many lives?).

I maintained a very strict mathematical discipline and professional physics standard with my studies and completed my undergraduate in Physics but within me, I knew that scientific methodology has a purpose, a domain and even a query of understanding natural phenomenon but the true nature of reality is probably not at the reach or interest of scientific community at the moment! Having said that, I must emphasize that modern scientific methodologies are rigorous and do not “claim” to know things without having tested, verified and documented with repeatability. The quest for the truth of Existence and the search of modern science are probably slightly different.

This is how I arrived at a two-way-diversion in the search of the truth! On one hand, there is this rigorous look (which I shall call Science below) at the fundamental laws of nature, the creation of the universe, the nature of atoms, the creation of life forms on earth and so on! This is the method of the intellectual (mind). Many things are explained by physical sciences and few fundamental things look just too far. And on the other hand, the truth of existence lies in the purification of mind and looking at the world with the utmost pure mind, unconditioned mentality, grace and compassion (which I shall call Spirituality). The choice of the word “two-way-diversion” is a conscious one because modern science and spiritual science (if I may) have ; to my knowledge; not come to a fundamental consensus regarding the truth of existence. (I will try to talk about it in detail in later posts.) I seriously don’t think that there is and there should be a dichotomy regarding the existence!

So! Here I am! I am quitting my full time job (by Lord’s mercy I had a fine job that helped me and my family) to really dedicate my life to search for the answers to the mystery of existence and reconcile the two divergent methods of search for the truth. One the one hand I am planning to pursue my further studies in Physics and really understand the law of nature even more rigorously. And on the other hand, I am doing Sadhana as a way of living and cleaning my karma! I am giving myself the benefit of doubt (in the most humble sense) and ‌make sure I am ready and eligible to receive divine grace and responsibly handle it. In a way, I am filling my mind with knowledge and emptying myself at the same time. I have a purpose and a goal. And I seek refuge in Swamiji’s feet to reach my goal.

That would have summed my journey in search of truth. However, it has taken a remarkable turn in the last couple of years and I must mention it here. I found Swamiji when I was looking for the “truth of existence” on Youtube! What a place to search! But quite literally, I found our beloved “Om Swami” while I was looking for truth on youtube in desperation. And in this life, I am pretty convinced that if I am getting any close to the truth, it is from Swamiji’s grace. Life has never been the same after I found Swamiji. Expounding on the grace from Swamiji is simply impossible. Like Swamiji always emphasizes, if any spiritual practice is not making you more peaceful, more kind and more compassionate at the end of the day, the practice is not much of a worth. And that is exactly what I have got by being his devotee. I find myself more kind and compassionate every other day. I find myself hardworking and more disciplined. He leads by examples. I feel very fortunate that all of us here have someone who takes each one of our stories with utmost sincerity. We have a community of the kindest people on the planet(or more?). We have truthfulness, humility and care! I feel like living in Satya Yuga of the mythologies. Swamiji, bless us all. By your penance, we are so fortunate to enjoy so many beautiful things. Will we ever be able to give anything back to you?

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Madhav Humagain

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