Ever since I remember, I have been insecure with who I am and what I do. I have always had this problem of comparing my life with others. I’m sure we all get told at certain point of life about how all that we do is wrong and how we should change who we are in order to fit in to the society or in order to feel like we belong somewhere. But I have always taken those comments rather personally. Ever since I was very small.
Be it changing the way I dress. The way I talk. My pronunciation. My personality and everything else. And it was not just the bully kids from the school. The teachers also joined them in pointing out how different I was from rest of the kids. I am sure they meant no harm but some where deep down I was trying to get the approval of everyone else. I was a very clumsy kid who often got into accidents often and that made my parents more protective about me and they wouldn’t let me go play with other kids. That made me more close to my grandma who would tell me the stories of Ramayana and Mahabharat and many other mythological things. That’s where I get my spiritual attraction I guess. And I was made fun of for that as well. I was called a grandma and a fossil. All those comments, they made me hide my true self. I tried acting like someone I wasnt to just fit in. To get approval of others.
It even got worse when I grew up and got into medical college. I mean who doesnt want friends? And I was ready to do anything to gain there friendship. This time I was determinant that I will get everything that I have ever wanted. I was completely a different person. An introvert who hated eye contacts and going out was ready to do everything outside of her comfort zone. And to my surprise that all worked. I had friends and no one made fun of me again. But still I wasnt happy. I had everything I ever wanted but still it didnt get me that peace and that happiness. I was more irritable than before. I had that emptiness that no company could ever fulfill.
I was tired. Tired of pretending to be someone who I was not. I mean what will I even get by having people in my life if I am irritable all the time and hurting them with my words and I’m not happy with myself? That’s when I had started meditating. I didnt know what meditation looked like but I made sure to sit still for few minutes a day. I thought saying positive things to yourself while your eyes are closed is meditation. But now I know how wrong I was. But despite of all that, it helped. It gave me that introspection that I was lacking and the strength to be myself. Sure my circle got smaller. But to be honest, I never regretted it. I was kind of relieved.
And 3 years later today and 1 year after finishing my college, I know that I have found that balance and happiness that I was looking for my whole life. I mean I still have those insecurities and I get protective when someone points out how I’m boring or different. But now I have the courage to take a stand for myself and make them realise that they dont have any rights to tell me how I’m wrong because we all are different in certain ways. And about the circle, the people who are meant to be in your life, they just stick around for who you are. You dont need to be someone else to have them in your life.