I have not stopped thinking about god, it has been many years and yet I have not concluded anything that satisfies my understanding. My own perceptions keep drifting and changing. If I plot my belief in god against the months, it would be similar to a sine wave, hitting a crest and a trough.
At times, I felt, I shouldn’t be thinking on this anymore, live it at the current place as it is and stop the subject. That hasn’t worked so far other than few days or at max weeks.
Some incidences in my life make me believe in God, sometimes I see it as a co-incidence or luck and most of time, I say it is because of God. I have missed death couple of times by a very very very fine line, my mind goes blank whenever I recall those instances in solitude. I say my prayers, kneel before him and visit temple if I wake up early. At my primary school, I was most poor guy in studies and I couldn’t add 13+27 in my 6th std and the school wasn’t ready to admit me in 7th std, since I would anyway fail the board exam. But after my father spoke to the management, I was promoted to 7th std. I was put to a tuition class, want to say he was my guru, under his tutorship I was able to clear the board exam with distinction. That shocked everybody, even my father did not believe they were my marks initially. I still did not understand what distinction was. After that, academically there was no looking back and until now, I have had the resources to overcome the life’s general challenges. I owe this to my tutor, without whom I would not be like I am today, he has enabled me in this world with his noble profession. I think, it was god who found a tutor for my 7th std. It’s like switching the railway line at the right moment for the right train. On professional side, I have seen people with lesser skills move up in their careers and also people with good track record of delivering on their tasks and excellent knowledge not being able to come out of their area and grow. I think, is god not kind to them despite their sincerity in their work ?
The nature of my job is developing software programs, the performance of the program is dependent on the developer, if the program is buggy, that will fail, if it’s a good program it goes to next logical level. It depends on the way it is developed. Not a knowledgeable person related to history and evolution, but if we look at the pace at which technology is progressing and entering our everyday lives, it’s because of the human endeavor to understand things around and process them and do something with it. Humans are able to fuse and break atoms. I am awed at the technology of the maglevs, quantum computing, aircraft carriers and so many other marvelous technological things the humans have made on this planet.
When I ask myself, did god wanted us, i.e humans to build all such things and lead our lives ?. From god’s perspective in what way it would serve the human race ? Or does he see these evolutions as a toy for kids to pass their lives ? Or he wants us to understand karma ?