Just Another Story (Mine)

Our last task in the Write With OSMe workshop was to write about the most tragic experience of our life.

I have had my share of challenging times in my life. The one that stands out though is when my ex-husband decided to have an open heart-to-heart talk one day. The time was midnight. We talked for three long hours and the first thing that he said to me was that he had a mistress.

Wow! Really? I thought to myself. I remember that I felt no anger at the time, just a sense of relief and validation. I was in some kind of twilight zone.

My life as I knew it had changed forever.

I don’t remember sleeping much that night nor the ones that followed. So many questions tortured me from the time I would get up in the morning until it was time to close my eyes at night.

One of the things that my then-husband expressed was that he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. I thought I was able to be an open-minded, grown-up woman who could give her husband the freedom to be and live as he wanted. The kind of woman who would give freely that cake to her husband and let him eat it.

I thought that if I was kinder, more understanding, and more loving in every imaginable way, he would choose me in the end.

A few days after that night he went to Oslo to be with his mistress for the weekend.
I remember how I would fall apart every time he was away, how I would try my very best to be the perfect wife when he was back and fall apart as soon as he would leave again. This went on for many weeks.

My parents were long gone and I had no true family to speak to and empty my heart. I felt lost and alone.

I could not bring myself to talk to any of our friends, they were his friends and had become mine as a result of us being together.

I felt I was losing my mind. One morning when I could not stand it anymore, I called a friend of my late mother and emptied my heart to her. She listened not only as the social worker that she was but also as a friend.

She advised me to talk to a therapist and I did. I would feel good for a short while then I would fall back into my pit again, head first.

My mind and my life were spinning out of control and I was terrified. My parents, with all the love they had showered over me, had not prepared me for what lay ahead.
I was thirty-nine years old at the time, going on forty in a few months, and had no clue of how to live on my own in this big world. I did not know how to face what was coming. I had moved from one institution, my family, to another, my marriage.

I knew I could not live the life my then-husband wanted. Every fibre of my being, my very soul was screaming to make a different choice.

I went away for a week, and when I came back, the first thing that came out of my mouth when asked about my trip was: I want a divorce. As I uttered the words, I knew there was no way back for me, that was it. The next morning I went hiking in the mountains for a few days and celebrated my forty-year birthday there.

It was time to tell our children that their parents were divorcing. My son was 17 and my daughter 15. We were transparent with them as I believe the truth to be a better choice.

I did not turn back. My life as an independent adult had started.

In my search for answers, I turned to a psychic who said he was spiritual but was not.
I travelled back and forth between Norway, the US, and Sweden. I hit rock bottom and understood that no one would or could carry me through life, give me love, peace, and an anchor. I had to do it myself, for myself and I did not know how.

A cognitive therapist I found asked me what I wanted to achieve by the end of the twelve sessions I was having, I told him I wanted to learn to be my own person and rely on my inner voice to guide me.

On one of my trips to the US, I met the man who is now my husband. A wonderful man who held my hand and stayed with me through thick and thin until I finally grew up.
I immigrated to the United States.

The road was not easy as I fell many, many times and every time I did I got better at not falling that hard that deep and that often. Was it worth it? Would I choose to do it again? I am who I am today because of all the experiences I had. They shaped me, moulded me, and transformed me into the person I am now. I have found my voice, regained my strength, and shed some of my arrogance. I am grateful for all of it. I regret nothing except the pain I have caused family, friends, and strangers through my ignorance and lack of experience.

Life is Truly Beautiful if you can see it with your heart, with your soul.

“Your life is in your hands and it’s never
too late to plant a seed. It’s never too
late to embark on anything new. It’s
never too late to be adventurous. Life
will never bore you if you don’t stop
living”. Black Lotus/ Mindful Nudge.

“Strength does not come
from winning. Your
struggles develop your
strengths. When you go
through hardships and
decide not to surrender,
that is strength”. — Arnold
Schwarzenegger/Black Lotus/ Quote of the day