Someone like me died a couple of months back. It hit me hard. This beautiful person quite flawed like we all are, however, fiercely independent with an amazing intelligence about right and wrong. Been through hell and then rose like a phoenix. 

He wasn’t family, but belonged to my tribe. I am sure of it.

He touched so many hearts, was an inspiration to everyone, was doing so well in his career, in-fact rocking it in every sense of the word. Am sure the we lost someone uniquely beautiful. Why would his soul choose to leave now? What hit me harder was the angelic family he left behind. So young, so many promising years of fun, hard work, love and laughter together, would now not happen. 

This was personal. 

All the years of living and abiding by the teachings of lord Krishna in the Bhagwad Gita, and for the past few months I went reeling into this vast pool of emotions. Silent tears streaming whenever I thought of the possibilities, of what was left behind. I wasn’t ever afraid of death and believe it to be an onward journey, but when the best of us passes away I do not really know how to handle it. 

I came face to face with the whole question of why are we trying to inspire and help people? Why are we working so hard to keep us and our loved ones happy? Everyone is born with their own karma, every soul decides when to be born and when to die and what they want to go through in this life. I don’t really experience suffering even in sadness, but I have come face to face with an existential question – Nothing really matters. Even if we have spread joy, in a few years it really doesn’t matter. In a few decades..the world continues the way it always did. We are just doing things to feel better about ourselves aren’t we? 

Now our body – our limbs, our brain, our nervous system is all atoms – neutrons, protons and electrons. When we die – we burn it and it gets converted to ash and smoke. It’s all gone. But we obviously are more than just our body. Our actions, our thoughts, all our encounters in this world produces an action and a reaction. We are all energy and we leave some of it behind in this world, it cannot be burn’t. But then again it doesn’t matter. 

My only solace is again from the Bhagwad Gita – Do your duty, love me unconditionally and carry on. It’s only when I think of you hey Krishna, that my tender heart and my soul smiles. The rest doesn’t really matter. 

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Arunima Singhdeo

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