17th FEB 2020
Finally, the day has arrived. I reached the airport. I was feeling scared. I was all alone. I had partially lied to my mom if something goes wrong then I will be in a great mess? At the airport I couldn’t move I sat on a chair I thought I will call my friends to cheer me up. I checked my contact list but couldn’t dial any number. I was this scared that I thought of canceling my tickets and going back home. I was not understanding what to do then I just folded my hands, closed my eyes, and just prayed to swami Ji and said one thing “Please take care of me and be with me”. This prayer gave me immense strength and a strong sense that he is with me. Finally i took flite and reached Chandigarh.
When I was coming from Chandigarh to Ashram in the car I just looked at tall, giant, and sharp mountains. My mind got freaked out. It started screaming what the hell are you doing on earth? Just by reading a book, you are taking this dangerous journey Narayani you are totally mad? What if he won’t turn out to be your Baba, you are stupid. If you fall from this mountain there will be no one to identify your body? Who will inform your Mother? My mind was blabbering so many things. But my heart said just one word to my mind throughout the journey “SABURI” (Patience).
After a long flight and 4-5 hours of journey in the car, I finally reached Ashram during sandhya Arati. When I stepped into the ashram, for the first time in my life“I just felt I am home”. All of sudden my chattering mind started experiencing silence. My scared heart all of sudden started feeling safe. When I looked at the temple from outside (not Srihari) I felt I belong here. I felt I am not alone anymore. Just one step in this pure, sacred land answered all my questions which kept me awake day and night.
On that night I was so relaxed and happy I did not even feel like having my dinner and I just went to bed. When I kept my head on the pillow I just felt like I had kept my head in the lap of mother divine. On that day I had such a deep sleep which I never had. When I woke up in the morning I felt as if someone had healed my body and mind. (it was not the result of just deep sleep. It was something more than that).
I was very happy to be here. I was smiling. I was sharing my experience with people. I felt I was behaving strangely because till then I never shared my experiences with my close one also, but here everyone was unknown to me and I was talking to them very easily as if I knew all of them since my birth. I was really happy.
On that day, I even had a personal meeting with swami Ji. Throughout the day I was thinking about what to ask him? Should I need to ask about my job? My marriage? That startup thing which I was thinking of? Or should I ask him what is enlightenment? siddhi? And powers what we get from siddhis ? or should I take the print out of all my letters and show him that how many letters I wrote to him. or should I take my laptop with me and show him the folder and tell him that “how many letters I wrote to him”. What? what should I have to ask him. I thought throughout the day and I didn’t get one good question to ask him.
Finally, it was his discourse time (How I felt when I saw him the first time I will be writing in the coming post). I finished the discourse and ran toward the meeting room. There also I thought for few minutes about my question but nothing came to me so I just left it to him. whatever he wants me to ask he will make me ask. And finally, Nikhil Ji sent me inside the meeting room.
When I looked at him he gave me a pleasant smile and I sat in a distance from him. (Sorry Baba I was all lost in your love neither I said Namaskara nor bowed my head when I saw you in the meeting room). I just looked at him and the first thing that came to my mind was about letters. And I asked him “Swami Ji My letters?” He smiled and said, “With divine grace, all your letters have reached me”.
His one answer was enough for me. His answer filled me with an abundance of faith, love, and hope. I felt I had won the whole sky and earth. I felt there is someone who is genuinely listening to me. Who cares about me. My heart just got filled with love.
Till today I still write letters to him. I share each and everything with him. sometimes I even think I shouldn’t be bothering him but the truth is that If a child won’t tell his father where else will the child go? My all stories complete after telling him only. Whenever I sit to write I feel he is just sitting right in front of me. I intensely feel that he is listening to every word I am typing (Even now also). Writing letters to him is a meditation for me. It connects me to him very intensely. After meeting him not even once also I never doubted that my letters will not get answered. Because he very well knows that I need him and I have only him. He also knows that he is there in my every breath, every song, and every tear of mine. (I love you Baba)
As long as the child playing with toys Maa will be busy with her household works. But the moment when the child through all toys and cries for Maa she will just run and take the child in her arms. – Ramakrishna Paramhans
I have not studied any scriptures and I really do not understand enlightenment, siddhi, sadhana, or samadhi but from my personal experience, I want to tell you all that even in our deepest wound he is there for us. Even when everything is falling apart he is there for us. Even if our loved once family, friends had left he is still there for us. Whether we call him or not still he is looking after us. Whether we feel it or not he is smiling with us, crying with us, singing with us, dancing with us. He is there in our all moments (He is our all moments). Yes during this pandemic also he is still there for all of us.
Sometimes the emptiness you are experiencing is not depression maybe it’s your soul calling. Leaving all the comfortable life you have known just for some time take that path where your soul wants to go. Maybe you end up finding your true self that is your eternal father. Once in a while try to step out of the apartment, villa, or mansion (by turning inward. Not physically during this situation) so that you may end up finding your eternal home. Just take one step and I know he will take thousands of steps for you this is how his love is.
Coming to my Emptiness my emptiness is all filled with his name and love now. I do not feel lonely or alone if I feel I call him to sit with me and I prepare tea or coffee for us(more about this in the next post). I found my eternal home no matter where I may be but my heart will be always with him. he is my ashram he is my HOME. More than anything and anyone I feel I belong just to him. And Yes I found my purpose too its LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH, and GIVE.