It has been a month. I lost focus and drifted to other things in life. How I missed writing, I know now. Wish I can read all the amazing posts I missed. I am catching up slowly. I have no thoughts running in the mind neither a theme nor an idea to write. I have been sharing my inner thoughts- blog style and that works for me. I feel I can share all those here without judgement, no guilt, lot’s of empathy and with a free mind.

I do have one constant thought running in my mind and I try so hard to get over it. It is slowly turning into a saddening feeling and I realise I have to work on it and get over it somehow. It is so difficult though, I have tried so many times. I talked to my friend, the only confidant in this matter. I tried reading posts here and indulging into spiritual knowledge, nothing seems to help. Let me admit it, I am in deep deep trouble as I am in love. The one that aches my heart, the one I can not pursue and it brings tears to my eyes. I fight with my inner self, trying to tell me that it is not a feeling of love. Maybe it is just the care and the idea of having this beautiful person in your life and you just can’t think of being away from the person. Why is this attachment not going away. I have known this person for long and every thing about them is just so good. Their ideology, thoughts, lifestyle, treating other human beings, so much to learn from them. And there has never been a day when I have not been lost in their thought. To the extent that I have to pull myself out of that thought and go through a hard reality check. 

For the longest time I did not know what to do with my feeling, I thought it is not right. I tried to suppress it, even took interest in other people. But just one tiny little thing about them brings all the emotions back, with a much greater force. I will go mad I think at times. The person is a friend, and I have no idea about their interests and inclinations at this stage of life. I have the fear of losing it all by confessing my ordeal. I even made peace with the fact that it will always be this way and I have to move on from this idea. But does the heart ever listen? One must think I am a fool, yeah a big time emotional fool. Let me tell you, I am that stupid person who would fall in love just so quickly. Somebody shows care and concern, makes me laugh, thinks about me even a little and I start thinking about them 10 folds. I want to return the goodness, make them feel comfortable and appreciated. Do so much more in return out of pure love (doesn’t have to be romantic at all) and many a times the other person starts romantically loving me. Just like an emotional fool, I fall for that and don’t think anything above and beyond that. 

How about this time? Am I reading the wrong signals? Maybe. Does the person think of me and care for me? Yes, very much. Does the person feel the same for me? I have no way of finding this out. Everything will be at stake if I am pursuing this and the other person has no such feelings at all. I can’t let them know, maybe I have let them feel but what does that tell me? Nothing.

I have been wrong one time (another person) and it hurts badly. It was just an infatuation and on my friends’ constant push I tried to tell the person how I feel and it ended badly, the person misused my vulnerability and we ended up not being friends anymore. I still feel positively of the person but they do not. What was my fault in this? I was only reciprocating what they made me feel initially but apparently they had malicious motives. I wish them good in life. Even shared a picture of a bowl of maggi recently to reconnect as friends, but nah. That was my happy exit. Anyway.

So I am constantly trying to get out of this feeling and come to my senses. Why do I feel this immense pull towards this person, why can’t I not know their perspective and bring my heart at ease. It will be so comforting, but I don’t want another heartbreak. That is my sole qualm with myself. I have never admitted this openly barring my one close friend, she is amazing. If she reads this, she is going to face palm and say “none of my brainwashing worked on you” 😛 I want to thank her to put a lot of sense in me and that has been keeping me sane on most days, clearly I still couldn’t get over this feeling and here I am! I know life is simple and we make it complicated, but I can not lose the person. Not again.

Okay, coming back to senses. I deserve lot’s of love in life, I do not want to keep living this sad life where I am waiting for the person to come lift me up, fall in love with me just as I am madly in love with them. If they are not meant to, then I want to just move ahead freely in life, not suffer like this. This is such a beautiful feeling but if they do not reciprocate, why am I not able to move ahead. What do I do concretely to happily get past this, love the person just the same but not expect the same love in return. I mean the attachment and romantic love that I have for them. I do purely love them from heart as a human being and I know that they do as well. That is what I don’t want to jeopardize. They make my life beautiful and meaningful, I want to live just as beautifully even if they are not in it in the longer run. I wish this episodes of sadness ends and I can be content in what I have and admire its beauty with open mind and heart. Love for love.

Photo: taken by me, the shadow is the full story- the insight, every shape and form is visible. The actual leaf is decaying, managing to be everbright. It has fallen and landed in the waters in the hope of love and life.

 

Happy Dussehra to all! 💕

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