Before I begin, let me pay my sastang pranam to Swamiji who appeared in my dreams at night a few days ago. That day I and Biswa had a conversation with Kirtee ji. That night I went to sleep and it was a really divine one. I vividly saw that one havan is taking place in our house. May be Gayatri havan. Our friends are present, along with Kirtee ji and Shalini ji. And I was totally dumb stuck to see Swamiji himself in his sparkling robe grace the occasion. Unlike Biswa’s dream which he wrote in a blog where he could not see Swamij’s face, I had the glorious and divine opportunity of getting the blessings of Swamiji and able to see him vividly. Please accept my obeisance oh Father-cum-Mother-cum-everything. I have no more words. I got a special hint the next day morning which I will share with all of you after doing some sadhana. Please bear with me till that time and enjoy the following keyboard piece from Sahil (Charlie is my Darling by the great Ludwig van Beethoven)

Now about today’s blog. Yes, many times I feel guilt of having a single child. I generally feel that due to my own selfishness, I did not bestow a sibling to Sahil. Though I have 2 siblings and we three share a great bonding, still why I am okay with Sahil as a single child? There are lots of good (no, great) reasons to have more than one child. If I am being honest, I actually do agree with a lot of them. To be completely honest, I actually do feel guilty of having one child and making him alone. The fight rages within and sometimes bugs me down.

Let me take you 10 years back… We decided to be parents in 2011 and by god’s grace that happened on the same year. And we were blessed with the jolly baby called ‘Sahil’. Yes, as a baby, he was an easy going one, slept well without much fanfare, a happy one and very co-operative. Biswa and me managed him at the age of 27 years on our own with no elderly persons around.

Then came the D-day when my ML was over after the stipulated six months. My Manager was quite generous to sanction me 2 more months of my leave. But after 8 months, the problem started. Who would take care of him when we both would be in office? As readers may be aware that I lost my mother in 2003 to cancer and Biswa’s mother was not keeping well since long time. Frankly speaking, I was neither in a mind to leave Sahil with any one nor in a mind set to quit my job. My bank job is not like any IT sector job, where one can take a break for a couple of years and then can join again bases on past experiences etc. It is difficult to crack a govt job, so quitting it is not an easy decision either. Also, back then we did not have sabbatical leave or Child Care Leave (CCL) concept. (being a govt. employee, Madhavi mama can relate all these last few lines). Being raised by a strong and financially independent mother (yes, my mother was a school teacher and was very independent in her thoughts and had a very strong will power. After diagnosis of 4th stage Cancer, doctors gave her only 6 months, but she went on to live for a whopping one and half years), I was in no mood to put down the weapons and call it quits.

But it is rightly said that when God gives a problem, he also gives a solution. It is only our will power and profound effort which is required to figure out the same. We got to know that a lady near my bank who just got relocated from somewhere was actually taking care of babies of this age. She agreed to take custody of Sahil while we were in office. But after one and half year, the aunty shifted to a faraway place and the problem again danced before us. That time Sahil was one and half years old. And we could find another saviour near to our house who had a creche-cum-nursery school.

After 3 to 4 years, when we were comfortable with the daily routine of Sahil with our jobs, everyone started inspiring us for the second kid. But both of us are not really ready for all those struggles, mental agonies. Every time we thought of a second kid lots of contradicting questions would arise to blok our view

1. Can we manage both the kids with our jobs and with nobody around?

2. My job is transferrable. Though I am forgoing promotion, I will be transferred in every 3 to 4 years, of course within the city. And let me tell you that Hyderabad is a really big city. My last branch was 15 Km away from our home. It always took me about an hour in normal traffic conditions.

3. Yes, we are financially stable all by the grace of God. We do not have any family burdens unlike a lot other. We do not have a lavish life style to maintain. We do not wear very costly clothes. (Fun Fact: After a lot of mental struggle, 4 months ago me and Biswa, purchased a pair of Sketcher shoes for both of us as our marriage anniversary gift that to under sale 😉).

4. My bank colleagues are really surprised that I do not have a longing for gold ornaments, Pochampally sarees (range starts from Rs 7000 onwards!) No desire for a gorgeous make up etc. For both my male and female colleagues, I am a behen ji 😉).

5. Still we thought that we could not afford our vacations (not vaccine 😉, please read it again if you have read vaccine) with 4 members.

6. Being a travel lover can we manage 3 to 4 years without our vacations and travels?

7. Biswa’s job calls for official tours to various labs all over India. Can I be able to manage both the kids on my own?

So many questions. Every time we both fall in these question traps. But as time is passing by, I am feeling guilty. All the above questions arise because we do not want to step out of our comfort zones. Are we behaving like selfish parents?

Oh, great souls of please bail us out of this sticky situation by sharing your view points and suggestions. We are waiting.

Jai Shri Hari And Jai Swamiji…

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Biswa Nanda

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