Some great outcomes when you are firmly situated in yourself (somewhat)

1 You experience. Yes, you become so mindful that you are able to see things with such clarity. And hence retain things and remeber them. Hence you can be easily honest, as well as a just judge of dharma I guess. That is, you can be an upholder of truth, atleast your truth.

2 You get moments of bliss. (Perhaps) As well as moments of realisations. You are able to live your life with freedom.

3 Your life actually comes to life. Each action (except some perhaps) is fulfilling.

4 You become strong from inside. Firm as a strong torrential river( Vegavaan)(like the wind). You become able to do lots of things. 

5 You are able to keep your world under  control. That world might be your family or perhaps anything. You may even exercize the danda neeti on people.

6 One of the most important things, when you are close to your consciousness, you can even trust yourself. You almost become  self sufficient. And you get great kindness for people. You feel bad  when you say something bad to people. You gain esteem in your eyes. It feels divine.

My dear friends, I got to experience this all for a few months from April 26, 2021.

But this divine blessing perhaps vanished after a few months when I got stuck in a dvanda. I really didn’t know what to do.

I knew what I felt in myself, and it felt so right. But I just couldn’t do it. Because when I asked my elders for approval, they refused(on the pretext that something bad might happend). Then I waited and waited, so that something might happend. But instead I fell down from my heaven. That flame of goodness, and the might to follow (perhaps this is how it can be described) it , just started diminishing. I looked to my elder for help, but now they couldn’t help.

Tell me everyone, was leaving my dharma worth it. 

The only problem could be that my dharma was perhaps a little odd.

Please don’t judge me. Please.

I was afraid of bad reputation, and judgement, and slander. Because I perhaps didn’t know how to even know what people thought, and how can I possibly change that.

I developed feelings for a girl near my house. And I had attachment for the children near her house/park(since her house faced the park).

I just wanted to talk to her, and I guess start a friendship.

But I just couldn’t make my mind agree to talk to her in front of all the girls that surrounded her. I just didn’t know how to approach her.

Other things were there like my friend also didn’t talk to them because of a feud I guess.

Then, one day I just told her friend on Instagram that I love her. (Because I did not know their social media accounts, even if they had one) 

Then I felt really bad, probably because things were all in my head or heart. But I didn’t know her response. And I used to mostly think about her or the things that spread in the park region among children(slander)

The slander part really kills possible friendships. Because I felt bad once when , 2 children tried to talk in a different manner once I approached them.

I used to just think about them or the incident perhaps (I have omitted a lot of details). 

I wanted to talk to her so that atleast I can get all the things off my chest or so perhaps.

Because telling other people about my feelings or my anxiety led to things that went out of possible control perhaps.

If you want to call me weak or lusty or anything, you might, but the truth will remain the truth. And I perhaps don’t have the wisdom of words to keep my full point across. 

But one very important thing, the love for the girl felt so right, so close to the heart perhaps, then why is it so difficult to walk on this path. Is this path really worthy of walking. My heart said yes I guess. But doubt lingered.

Now today, I have got almost no feelings,  I am drying from within each day. 

Please don’t judge me on my writing, because I am losing touch with myself, so I don’t even have the clarity to defend myself.


Ram ram 

May the divine help me.


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