Disclaimer: This post contains my spiritual ventures of 16 plus age. So if you are less than 16, then first let your parents read it. (Ironically, teenagers like doing what they are denied of. But be mindful, there’s someone watching you, you cannot hide anywhere in this world.)
Note: Take a deep breath, relax, this post contains the hush hush topic.
Besides the incidents I wrote in previous part, there were few more changes in 2018. About in end of 2018, I got to read about a few concepts of tantra and Sri Chakra in Ma Vanamali’s book. About in early 2019 I began searching about tantra. In an older part I wrote that hormonal play started in 7th class. My sexual energies were intense and I felt very uncomfortable and confused. Sometimes I used to masturbate and then regret it. Although it never disturbed any other part of my life, I felt confused and guilty. In 9-10th, once or twice in a month I experienced intense sexual urges which took over me. Many times I would ask Baba G (G for Google) if masturbation was healthy or a sin. The funny thing about this Baba G is that if you ask something is wrong, it will say yes. If you ask if it is right, it will say yes. It will never tell you truth. I kept struggling between physical urges and mental conditioning. I didn’t get chance to watch video (I am grateful to nature for protecting me in this way), I would read stories, visualise and sometimes see photos. And would later regret. Till 11th class I fought a lot. Classmates were comfortable and enjoyed it, so consulting friends was out of question. Parents? – forget that. The only anchor I had was Shiva. I don’t know when, probably nearly early 2019, I gave up this fight. I decided to go in reverse direction by searching on topics such as multiple orgasms in men and full body orgasms. Such pursuits led me to practice of vajroli and concepts of tantra. I got more interested in tantra at many places I read it was like walking on double edged sword. The prevailing notion in society and my conditioning said that ‘tantra’ is a word that should be feared, it is irreligious, immoral, etc. But my thought was that the knowledge of tantra was given out be Shiva himself, who is embodiment of auspiciousness, who is ever pure, so how can tantra be impure? No doubt misinterpretation has led to taboos and myths around tantra, but tantra remains the fastest path of self realization. As I read more and more about tantra, I got more inclined towards it for tantra doesn’t denies or suppresses. It involves acceptance and transformation. Even poison used with wisdom can act as medicine. For example, penicillin is extracted from a fungus. Moreover, the concept of kundalini itself falls in the boundaries of tantra. (I don’t mean I know all about tantra, whatever I know is very less)
Somewhere, I have read “Tanoti taryati iti tantra”- “That which expands (consciousness) and helps you cross (your limits, this bhavsagar) is tantra. In the summer vacation of 2019, I took up a small mantra from a text considering Shiva as my Guru for 3 year chanting (1 yr left). I also found some good texts on kundalini. In one of his books, Swami Satyananda Saraswati said, “Ye Man, Awaken your Kundalini.” This is one of the sentences which shot at perfect spot. During summers, I tried to once approach sexual urge in tantric way to use that energy for spiritual advancement. Obviously, I failed.
Anyways, about that time, by divine grace, I found “Kundalini – An Untold Story.” I usually skim through books and if I feel like reading, then only do I read. I felt like reading and read it more than once. One of the major reasons I read it was that Swami talked about tantra in that book. Some of his words went deep inside. The last words at end are like, “This is my experience of awakening. Go, find yours.” This was and still remains a great trigger for me. Some words confused me such as “I have been her” , “I’ve played in her motherly lap, I’ve sported with her youthful form.” I finally decided, this time I made up my mind for sure that I would do a kundalini sadhana. The major obstacle was fear. During initial days of meditating naked that too in evening, I have once or twice felt as if someone was behind me. That is the fear of unknown. But I was wrathful, such fears made me more adamant, with faith in Mahakaal I finally won over those fears including one of my greatest fears, my fear of darkness.
I figured out a plan and embarked on journey that was going to transform me forever. I started in Gupt Navratri of June-July and meditated on one chakra for one month. I left pursuing my sexual urges which arose once in a while. Although I had wet nights once in a month or two months. During the first few days, I had a dream in which I saw skeletons sitting in a dark smoky room. I don’t know exactly what it meant.
But I had one great dream that motivated me to complete the practice and follow the routine. It was a beautiful garden with beautiful environment and weather. There was a youthful beautiful blissful woman in beautiful red saree playing in that garden and I was following her. I don’t remember clearly, I just remember the dream was beautiful. I took it as an indication that I was on right path and continued my practices with enthusiasm.
That year in 2019, I also read about teachings and life of Sri Ramakrishna Paramhansa after which I took a big decision, broke a deep conditioning and had one of the greatest experiences of my life till then. What? In next post!