My infinite salutations at your divine lotus feet Swamiji 🙇♀️🙇♀️ Immense gratitude for everything 🙏🌹🌺
Sri Sharada Devi math is a vision of Swami Vivekananda and Sri Sharada Devi🙏🙏. It is based on the ideals of all four yogas, Bhakti yoga, Gyana yoga, Karma yoga and Raja yoga. The motto being ‘Atmano Mokshartham Jagad Hitaya Ca’ It truly and strictly works according to these principles.
Brahmacharini’s will be on probation for 7 to 8 years and then based on the conduct and few other factors they will be given the monkhood, they become Sadhvis.
We were served very nutritious, satwik and delicious food. Brahmacharini s and Mataji used to sit together for having food. Mataji would tell everyone to eat nicely and to have stomach full.
It was on fourth or fifth day, a small doubt, a slight unsettling feeling, hesitation, unrest or whatever it is, started within.
I hardly helped my mother with household chores😬 here I was mopping, cleaning, dusting etc religiously!. It had started to feel very monotonous life though. I tried to chant mantra which I was initiated into while doing chores, but mind was not trained for it. It was trained to think non-stop, to stress and to be anxious. I was telling myself to have patience..
Smartphones were not in the market yet. We were not supposed to keep any mobiles even for incoming and outgoing calls. Even if you keep you will not have money to recharge it. You cannot have a bank account and no such transactions with outside world.
No mobile phones, no TV, no newspaper (will miss daily horoscope 🤔 no din mein taare ) or magazines absolutely no entertainment 😬. Didn’t bother me much. Yes I was there for spiritual growth, to do seva not for timepass.
Every second mattered, every morsel of food and every penny mattered because we were living on donations from devotees🙏🙏.
I was told clearly we are allowed only 2 or 3 calls in a year from our parents to the landline number that was there. Going further that shall also be reduced.
I was mostly ok with everything, what was the breaking point then?
One of the brahmacharini adviced me to keep praying for good health always, because in probationary period if any one falls ill which needs recovery time more than 15days or needs hospitalisation etc then she has to go home, get well and come back. It was from her experience.
I was not the person who missed parents too much, but it bothered me a lot if my parents or brother had any problem. My brother had serious health issues, I was not sure if he would look after them in their old-age. But still I had taken the step to renounce.
Now when I realised, if I fall sick(even if it is a remote possibility) I will have to take my parents support, but I will not be there when they need me. I cannot help them financially or emotionally or in any other way, this realisation hit me hard.
As this thought became stronger and stronger, I couldn’t stay any longer there. I packed my bag again, informed mataji that I am unable to stay further. She didn’t do much enquiry. She let me go..but told me to keep in touch,to continue to visit the math..which I never did, i never had the face to go back.. I felt like a looser then.
- Was my decision based on just that one thought or it was a mixture of all the other thoughts put together? I don’t know…
- If I had quit job and joined math, would have I stayed longer as there was no way to get back? Probably…
- There are 4 planets sitting in one house in my horoscope, is it the reason for my fickle mind? Blame it on the planets..
- Did I feel I will not be able to do much spiritual sadhana, because my idea about spiritual sadhana was different then? May be..
- Did I see rigidity or closed atmosphere? May be i was wrong, i didn’t give it enough time
Reason could be anything, but definitely not a good feeling about oneself!!
Few takeaways from my life(which I realised after hearing discourses from Swamiji 🙏)
- When a thought to renounce come to mind, give it sometime, better give it a lot of time. You may be just trying to run away from something.
- When we read about great saints we might have that spur of emotion for self-realization, to renounce, to run away to Himalayas but take it easy and work towards it slowly.
- Any organisation works in a given framework. See if you fit into it or else it will become a life long struggle. Insecurities, Ego, Jealousy all such things will be there, all are fighting their own demons so shall you, it is between you and your mind wherever you are
- Start early…meditation, spirituality, seva, charity all should be started very early in life. Sometimes I feel it should be part of school curriculum. It certainly gives a lot of clarity in our thought process.
- If you have any attachment to anybody or anything, try to distance yourself for couple of days and see if what your mind is telling you
- We think if our basic needs like food, clothes, shelter etc are met, we can focus on spirituality, but if you have not trained yourself for atleast couple of hours of sitting still then beware of the monkey mind you are taking along..
- In your journey if you happen to find a good mentor, a guide it is great help, but nothing like coming under the grace of a Sadguru 🙏🙏
- And If you are here in os.me then you are under the grace of Swamiji🙏🙏, nothing else matter, just surrender yourself totally(I am trying), he knows when and how to take us along..
- I was with my family when situation really went out of control with my brother. We lost him but there is some satisfaction that I was there to support my family emotionally.
- I stayed alone in a house for 2 years after coming out of Math trying best to do some Sadhana. Tried to find some guidance, and then finally got married 😀
- I am not working now and I am doing lot of household chores, still with the same monkey mind. I still don’t know if this is freedom or life in the Math.
- I don’t know if I have progressed much spiritually, but I am trying..
- And what happened to the scooty? Mataji told me to take it back since ther was no one to use it(they need to have license and all.right) I insisted her to take some amount and then I took back the scooty!!
Everything I have written here is with utmost sincerity. I am not an achiever but there may be some lessons from my life too..Thanks a lot for your time and for staying with me in my journey ☺️☺️
Jai Sri Hari 🌹💐🌺